Long rambling post- I want to be dead but don't want to do it myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by who_am_i, May 27, 2015.

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  1. who_am_i

    who_am_i New Member

    I’m not benefitting anybody by being alive. The only thing stopping me from killing myself is that I desperately want people to not be disgusted or angry at me and killing myself would just make them more disgusted and angry. I guess I won’t care once I’m dead though. I don’t really know what’s stopping me actually. I have wanted to be dead since I was 13, I’m now 19. In the past I have made plans but now I’m resigned to not doing it, as much as I wish I could.

    I think I have something wrong with me mentally. I don’t know what it is but sometimes I lose control of my emotions. Last night I was looking for my work uniform, which my mom took out of the dryer (I do my own laundry- I don’t know why she did) and it was nowhere to be found. I asked her where it was and she started yelling about why would I blame her for losing it, when obviously it was never in the dryer because she KNOWS never touched it. (Turns out, she found it later and it was her who lost it- yes it was in the dryer, and yes she touched it). Anyway me being stressed about not having my work uniform and her refusing to take any responsibility like always made me go crazy. I honestly couldn’t breathe and I was screaming. My mom was standing over me telling me I look like an idiot and imitating me, making fun of me. Then I screamed “leave me alone” and she started lunging at me like she was going to physically attack me (she didn’t but it looked like it) and saying I’m an idiot, etc., etc.. My little brother came in and yelled “stop it”. I left the house and ran for ages and then sat outside, and I went and looked at a bridge even though of course I can never kill myself because (a) I’m a coward and (b) I don’t want people to hate me forever. Before I left, my mom was yelling things like how dare you leave, you don’t love me, you’re just trying to stress me out, you’re the most selfish brat that ever lived. She always invalidates my feelings but that’s probably because I’m so selfish I’m delusional. I wouldn’t be surprised. I’m definitely not under the impression that I’m a good person.

    It’s like she thinks it’s not possible that I’m actually sad- she thinks I’m “acting sad to make her feel bad”. She thinks everything I do is a personal attack. I’m not sure if that’s normal. I’m so damaged I don’t think I even know how normal relationships are. One time she bought me tickets to see a concert and I forgot the tickets so we had to turn around and drive back and we missed the opening act. I honestly did not intend to leave them. But she was like ‘oh you hate me and wanted to ruin my day because you are a shitty human’, etc..I think that pretty much sums up how my mom views everything about me. I wish so much that I could change it.

    I think my little brother is scared of me and probably going to need serious therapy when he’s older because of me. He probably needs it now. I feel so guilty about him being involved. I can’t even really face him.

    I have overwhelming suicidal thoughts. I seriously think there’s something wrong with me because I do know mentally that my mom blaming losing my work uniform on me is an extremely minor issue. I know that. I’m just a damaged shithead. Which is why I need to die. I’ve wondered for ages if I have high-functioning autism/ Asperger’s actually because I have a lot of the traits and maybe my loss of control is a meltdown, but maybe I just want an excuse because I shitty person. That’s probably more like it. I’m definitely a shitty person either way. I had a therapist that I saw like 3 years ago because my dad wanted me to (he’s an alcoholic that was hardly present in my life from between age 7-15 so he feels guilty but doesn’t really “know” me and doesn’t know how crazy I am). Anyway, that therapist wanted to test me for autism, so it’s not totally my imagination that I have traits of it. But I never got tested because I never went back because my mom was mad about what I talked about there.

    I wish someone else would murder me. That says a lot about what kind of a person I am, eh? That way people wouldn’t hate me anymore- they’d probably think “oh that’s too bad she died so young”, instead of “what a selfish bitch”. I don’t even get why it’s selfish because it’s not like my presence on earth benefits anyone. It’s just selfish because society says so- which is so stupid. I know if I killed myself, my mom would be beyond furious- she’d be like “that stupid selfish bitch just wanted to make me look bad” and I want her to like me so I won’t do it.

    I am sort of happy sometimes, but it’s in a fake persona. I’ve created a bunch of fake world that I go live in (I know they’re fake, I’m not that crazy yet). But whenever I am “me” for even a minute, I just want to jump off that bridge. Whenever I’m myself I’m not even remotely. Nothing makes me happy when I’m me. It’s depressing to know that I’m going to live my whole life being sort of happy about stuff that isn’t even real (it’s literally 100% in my head). I don’t have any friends in real life (literally none, I don’t hang out anybody ever)- but in my imaginary worlds there are people who are forgiving and love me despite me being messed up. For the VAST majority of my day, I'm "someone else" "somewhere else". It's extremely rare that I'm "me" and when I am it's usually me being crazy.

    Sorry this is so long and rambling. I’m not sure why I’m posting this really. I'm definitely not looking to be told I matter or anything like that. I don't and that's irrelevant because I can't kill myself either way. Since I am stuck here, does anyone have any advice. Does anyone relate at all?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are emotional because as a teen your hormones will be everwhere and it does not help you have so low esteem of yourself
    I do think you should go to your doctor You are 19 so do not need parents permission go to you doctor as for a referal to see a specialist to get help for your depression and mood swings Do NOT try to diagnose yourself too many perimeters and you are not qualified to know what is wrong Please do that for you show your little brother you are willing to get the help you need so your life can be better thus his too
  3. Leolsrik

    Leolsrik Well-Known Member

    Oh, dear. I can certainly relate to that. Your mother sounds a lot like mine, and like a narcissistic parent. Refusing to take responsibility, making fun of you, insulting you, emotionally blackmailing you, invalidating your feelings, thinking you're out to get her, taking everything as a personal attack, getting mad about what you tell to other people - it's all so familiar. And so are those fake worlds you escape to, and the lack of any real life friends at all.

    Your mother is definitely not a good parent (or a good person), and if she's treated you like this your whole life, that's very likely at least part of the reason you're so troubled. For an overview of narcissistic parents, see this - http://www.bandbacktogether.com/adult-children-of-Narcissistic-parents-resources/

    If the glove fits, google more information and keep reading, there's a lot to go through. If not, try this - http://www.lightshouse.org/immature-or-aggressive-parents.html

    If that description hits close to home, there's a link at the bottom of the page to descriptions of 3 other types of harmful parents.

    In any case, those articles are just to give you some confidence that you're not as crazy as you think, your parent is a big part of the problem. The main thing you have to do is go back to the therapist and talk about everything that bothers you. Don't even tell your mother anything, just take care of your own mental health.

    There's plenty of time to repair your relationship with your brother and undo any harm you may have caused. And that's something to look forward to while you're working to fix your own life.

    If you're ever lonely, PM me and we can share stories about the fake worlds we've built for ourselves.
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