Why the hell can't my mind stop for one fucking minute. Going round and round. All different people, all mixed into one. My nan, my grandad, my mum, my brother, my dad. And some other people. I don't wanna hurt my mum. I really don't. I love her to bits. I honestly do. All i've ever done is to try and protect her from me and the way i'm feeling. I don't wanna make her worry and i don't want her to go back to the way she was. She's already had one kid suicidal. It will kill her to find out she has another. Yeah maybe it was different with him, maybe he did it for different reasons. Bur i saw what she went through. I saw the terror on her face when she walked into the living room and saw him laying there and i didn't do anything cos i was so scared. How fucked am i?? I KNEW he had done something, he was screaming the house down for fuck sake. Only me and my now 9 year old brother here at the time and what did i do?? go and help him?? no. I had to fucking call my nan to come up cos i was too fucking scared. A fucking coward. Yet im the one who had to call an ambulance. Sit in the back of the ambulance watching him so out of it and my mum nearly in tears. Sit by his hospital bed watching my mum nearly in tears. Then have to see him physically restrained by 5 - 6 security guards and then sectioned against his will. I was the one who had to stand there and hug my mum while she was in tears. She ended up having a breakdown and put on anti depressants because of all shit with him. How the hell can i put her through that again??? All the crap he done. Every time she forgave him, he would fuck it up again. Time and time again. She let him get away with it. All it ever did was hurt her. Over and over again. When she found out that i was constantly taking a packet of pain killers at a time he turned round and told me that I needed to sort my life out. After ALL the shit HE caused. tearing this family apart, he fucking turned round and told me to sort MY life out!! I wasn't the one on drugs! i wasn't the one who stole hundreds and hundreds of pounds of their family. I wasn't the one who encouraged their 14 year old cousin to do drugs. Even get her drugs. I wasn't the one who done all that illegal shit. Even breaking into other peoples houses. And yet I'M the one who has to sort out their lives out! then turned round and said i made her cry?! fuck you you prick!! you have NO FUCKING CLUE how many nights she stayed up crying of YOU!! I fucking hate you so much!! so why the fuck are you still in my bloody head!! I don't wanna hurt my nan. I love her to bits and would do anything for her. I know shes worried about him. I am too. Everyones worried about him. How the hell can i stand up and say 'yeah i wanna kill myself'. No one could take that shit so i gotta stay quiet. Just keep my mouth shut. Was considering writing a letter to my auntie telling a few things. Shes the only person in the family that i can really talk to and shes the only one apart from my cousin who knows i cut. When i told her i self harmed she called me an idiot. How can i turn around and tell her i never stopped and that its gotten worse. Tell her that my arm is so fucked up that i can't even bare to look at it. I can't. I can't do this to him. My dad should of killed me when he had the chance. He should of killed me when he had his hands around my neck!! why did my step dad have to physically pull him off?!! If he hadn't i might be here! should of fucking done it!!! would save me a whole load of shit right now. I HATE seeing people in pain and i fell so bad not being able to help people. Not being able to make them happier in some little way. I'm so fucking useless. I'm a fucked up, piece of worthless shit who only causes shit! why can't you all see that?! why can't you believe me when i say i'm not worth it. Why say you love me!?! WHY?! just let me die ................. please. Then i'd be out of your lives for good. That will make you happier. Trust me. I can't stand the thought of losing someone i care so damn much about. I'm so fucking scared to lose someone i love. If that happens then i KNOW it will kill me. I wouldn't be able to handle that. It kills me so much to see you down. If i could take away the pain just like that then i would. I would do anything for anyone. I don't care how many times i get hurt. I DON'T CARE. Cos at the end of the day it's what i'm use to and i deserve that. I know i do. I love you so fucking much. I would do anything for you. I would take a fucking bullet for you. I would die for you. I would do anything you asked me to. I would walk through fire for you. Would do ANYTHING for YOU because i love you. I'm sorry for being me. I'm sorry for loving you. I'm sorry for the way i am. I'm sorry i will never be what you want me to be. I'm sorry that i will hurt you because i always seem to hurt people eventually. I'm SO FUCKING SORRY! tell me anything and I'll do it. Tell me to kill myself, I'd do it. Tell me to cut, I'll do it. Tell me to OD right now, I'll do it. I'm sorry for feeling this way. I'm sorry for having feelings for you. What more can i say? I love you. I'm a fuck up. Look at me. So fucking pathetic. Hardly leave the house cos i'm too fucking scared. Can't even begin to look for a job because i'm too fucking scared. What hope is there?? what future is there?? i'm gonna have nothing in my future. Just the same shit thats in my head now, going round and round. There is no future. No future with anyone, who the fuck would wanna be with a fuck up like me. No future in a job cos i fucked up college. People keep saying i can go back to college. I don't wanna. Cos deep down i know i won't need cos of what will happen. Cos deep down i'm scared of what will happen. He should of done it, they both should have. Put me out of my misery then i wouldn't be in other peoples lives right now.