Long read from a screwup nobody

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Hammerhead, Sep 11, 2008.

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  1. Hammerhead

    Hammerhead Guest

    Sorry for the long read, there's just a summer's worth of stuff here i'm trying to condense into a short story, so it might be a bit confusing.

    I'm 20m, never had a relationship and this summer i met a girl who was actually into me. I didn't know her age and she looked old enough... Ended up finding out she was 16.. I hesitated a bit but we still hung out. She tells me about her ex boyfriend and how she's had sex, and she knows a lot of things that i wouldn't expect a 16 year old to know. She seem really mature. She told me that she was going to move, but i never really had that in my mind. I recklessly fell in love with her ways.. Had my first kiss with her, talked on the phone every night for hours etc... No sex (thank god for me, jail sucks) A few days before she moves i find out that she's 14. WTF!!!!!!!!!!! She doesn't look /act young. What does a pathetic guy like me do? There is nothing right about this whatsoever. My dumbass decides that she is too good a friend to let go like that, so we still hang out. She never acted immature at all. Anywho, here comes the last day. Had pretty much THE BEST day of my life with her, even though a lot of it was spent packing her stuff into a u-haul, i loved it all. That night i say bye to her... FUCKING SUCKED. Both cried, but i didn't seem like a goodbye. I couldn't grasp that i wouldn't ever see her again. I couldn't sleep so i decided i'd go and see her one last time before she left really early in the morning. I got there and saw her for the last time. Had our last kiss and she left... I was dead... She always said that she would wait the 3 years in high school for me and come back... But she's way too cute and flirty, and 3 years is a long time to sustain a long distance relationship, so i figure i'll never EVER see her again. And what the fuck am i thinking? It should be me to make the responsible decision to end it, because it's totally wrong in every way, but i can't do that to her, and she's way too nice to me. Anyway, it's been a month and a half since she's moved and we keep in constant contact through texting and phonecalls at night. She's started school and so have i. I've been really mentally unstable since she's been gone. I'll go off on these lows and they last all day. I can't sleep, so i'll just go out driving and whail on my car. I have no motivation and i'm grumpy to everyone because i can't tell anyone that i'm this upset over a 14 year old, and the friends that i have told i know just think i'm a total loser fuckup, although they deny it, so i really don't hang out with them anymore. I'm losing what little self esteem i have and i'm starting to feel completely undesireable and worthless. I'm also losing my hair (genetic), and that's really bothering me a LOT, and i'm afraid to tell her.

    I don't want to hold her back on some great experiences she could be having in high school. I totally missed out on all of it, and i don't want her to. She's been telling me that people keep complimenting her and today she told me that a guy thought she was cute. That set me off. I don't ever tell her that upsets me, but i just got reeeeeally fucking down. Also her mom's friend has a son who is her age who she thinks likes her. What am i supposed to say to that? So there's at least two chances for her to get over me with another guy.

    Homecoming is coming up for her so i was like "go find a hunk" jokeingly, but she says she doesn't want to, because it isn't you. I just feel soooo bad for making her miss that.

    I'm just shutting down to everyone around me, i'm slowly fading away from my friends and i avoid contact with my family. I'm never really happy anymore, unless i'm talking to her, and in my mind i know she'll move on, no big deal to her. Sometimes i get really low and i think of ways to "off" myself. The only thing i look forward to is her next text and her phonecalls at night... And she doesn't even know..

    Hmmm, i'm probabally leaving something out, but i'm actually on the phone with her right now. uggh.. now i kind of want to just delete this... but i'll just post it anyway.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Omg you are so sweet lol!

    There is a big age gap between you are her obviously but if you really think she is the one you want to be with, cant you stay friends with her until shes a bit older and see what happens then? She obviously likes you a lot since she doesn't want to go to homecoming with anyone else. She probably just lied about her age in the beginning of the relationship because she didn't want to lose you. I think you should go for it, regardless of what anyone else thinks, I wish you the best of luck! :arms:
  3. ........

    ........ Guest

    Yeah you're sweet and you're very responsible.

    She repeatedly said she likes you. She said she'd wait for a few years- you know that means a lot. And if she does go out with other guys in the meantime, that doesn't mean she'll feel the same with them as she does for you. Emotionally you sound like you're there for her and you're actually thinking of her life- and that's important too. If you're feeling low over this then maybe it might be helpful to find things to distract yourself. You can get the feeling you get from this girl from other things. Just because other boys are interested in her doesn't mean she's going to jump at this opportunity or forget you.

    She sounds like she means a lot to you.
  4. ........

    ........ Guest

    You really sound like you're in love with her...

    She likes you. Maybe you hate yourself so much or are insecure that she's going to leave but like daisychain says- look at the homecoming thing she said. Obviously that means a lot?
  5. Hammerhead

    Hammerhead Guest

    I've decided to just keep going with it until she decides we're over. I don't know what i'm going to do WHEN it ends though. Thanks for the advice and not making me feel like a shithead for being in love with a 14 year old.
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