Okay, to set the scene - twas Halloween. Was in a bit of a bad place, and a bit drunk. I got hold of some some matches from somewhere and started putting them out on my arm, then I smashed a mug - on purpose. Then, feeling guilty, I collected the peices in case someone stood on them. I then went and accidentally stood on one. Result- MASSIVE gash across the base of my toe. 3 hours in A&E until 3AM getting 10 stitches put in. Of course I am alone during all of this. Come home and clean up the blood trails I left, and start having kind of hysteria fits, like just uncontrollable crying for 5-10 mins, then cleaning, then more crying. Since then I have been to my uni health centre to get my toe re-dressed twice and to get some stitches removed on 2 separate occasions, cos some weren't ready the first time. I have twisted my ankle a bit from walking on it funny trying to keep the wight off my toe. The edges kinda came apart after the last of stitches were out, because when I walk my toes just moves too much, so it's still kinda bloody and hurts, and there's a danger of infection cos I finished my antibiotics ages ago. And I can't help feeling that, by cutting, I may put myself through all that again - and it would be my fault. I have cut once before when it really needed stitches but it was on my arm and I managed to deal with it somehow, but if I had to go to A&E, full of people who had had genuine accidents, and be looked after by the actually really nice doctors and nurses, and then have to endure the nurses of the health centre who are so unsypathetic anyway, I think I would feel so guilty and awful that I wouldn't be able to deal with it. I had hysteria fits because I felt so bad about wasting people's time and from seeing nice ordinary people who never asked for any injury in A&E having to wait for hours, like I did - - and it was an actual accident. I'd prob go mental if I ever had to go there from SI. I dunno, the though of it at the moment just makes me feel really guilty and useless and that if I do need medical attention I wouldn't deserve it. This is reallllly long, but it feels good to write it out, cos I can't tell anyone how I feel.