long story, don't read if you don't feel like it

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Misako, Feb 2, 2008.

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  1. Misako

    Misako Member

    Hm..I don't know why I registered, probably because I don't want to talk to my close friends (probably because I haven't talked to them in months). This story is going to sound cliché and teeny, but okay. I've been down for a couple of years, because I always have to see the same structure returning in my life. I live for studying and I have this feeling I'll turn out to be someone who'll live for her work. That's why, also, I am quite afraid to fall into a black hole if I happen to fail my studies in college (stuff is going well so far). Cause of things I did when I was younger (and every teenager does at that time) my parents lost quite some respect which made me lose a great part of my respect too. I don't really bother to talk or eat a lot anymore(which doesn't help too, Ive been through self harming and other troubles). All I concentrate on is my work for college. Untill recently I actually felt better due to my new love(my best friend). My parents however are giving me a seriously hard time to see him, meaning I can't go visit him or vice versa (most likely cause they still look at me like a teenager). Talking doesn't help anymore and never will, since I used to lie now and then in the past to escape the strict rules they wanted me to follow. Because of that I've got this feeling I am going to lose him sooner or later (doesn't seem like that yet, but history will repeat itself Im sure). Even if I get what I want to some extent it's in this forced way and with loads of bad memories to it..and somehow I really can't handle that anymore. I know the situation will remain as it is till the day I move out, and that's just a slap in the face. I'm almost 21 now, I feel like I haven't got nor deserve any respect whatsoever, feel like I'm goin to lose what I have and ever will have, feel like i'm going to lose the person that pulled me through for so long..My school is goin' okay up till now, but it's the only thing I drag myself with through the day and any bad thing that happens in that matter is just too much to handle, so is all the rest.. I can't take a lot anymore lately, not cause I'm that much different, cause I have to discover every day this is still going on and will remain so, that people are never there, that in the end words are as empty as every promise they're making. They're still calling me a teenager, but I've got the feeling I never had the chance to be one, so that's why they might be right. No matter what good things happen to me, I keep on feeling sad every day and they blame me for it. I don't want to give them the feeling they're bad parents, cause they seriously aren't..they did and are doing a lot for me but it's complicated. Sometimes I think I forgot how to feel happy and I'm so afraid to drag my environment with me. My boyfriend is the most cheery person Ive ever met, I don't want to drag him along, and I don't want to lose him either cause of my situation nor cause of who I am, I don't know what questions I have nor what I have to do or think..
  2. Chickpea

    Chickpea Well-Known Member


    About the parental respect: I think the only thing you can really do there is carry on being honest with them... don't give up talking entirely. You're right that every teenager does silly things, or tells lies to their parents. But eventually you will earn their respect back if you havnt got it already. I'm sure they realise that teens do that kind of thing and won't (or shouldn't) hold it against you forever as long as you consistently show them that you aren't like that anymore.

    You said you lost some of your own self respect and I really understand this. I have found that, by losing my personal self respect I held onto the feeling that my parents still did not respect me - even though they were probably well over it by now. I don't know if this makes any sense... but it could be that you are transferring your own feelings onto them and reading into the way they act... coming to the conclusion that they don't respect you when it is actually your own feelings and insecurities that you're seeing. At least, I worked out that was the case for me. I had held onto things in the past (teen stuff) and assumed they held onto it too and thought badly of me. But they probably didnt.

    I hope that you manage to keep up with all your college work. Does your boyfriend know about your depression? I'm sure you wouldn't drag him down if you talk to him about it. It might help to have someone who will listen and understand.

    Take care :smile:
  3. Misako

    Misako Member

    Well, they are seriously disappointed and being quite conservative their descriptions can be quite hurting from time to time. I am aware those will be magnified in my eyes. But having to hear the same thing over and over again made me end up in believing a lot of what I hear. (that's what a friend told me, I don't know if it's true). They tend to start from assumptions that don't make sense at all..I understand why now and then, and Ive got better times to some extent, where my relationship with my parents is pretty okay, but it will always end up in fighting, always.
    My boyfriend does know it's somehow in my nature to see things worse than they are sometimes cause of everything, but he can't do more than be there for me, I just wish I could give him the same joy as he can give me. He listens to me and he understands me, but it'll bother him to some point..because of what I mentioned above.
  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I can’t say anything. But I wish I could understand what you are going through. I am in college too. Atleast you love to study. I am praying for you.
    p.s I love your name Misako!
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