i dont know, its different today. not like the last years. the last days im pretty sure that im going to kill myself. its to long now that im doing nothing, just nothing. its time to end this now... its just like i experienced to much bad things in my life. i gone through a lot of shit. 10 years full of shit. i hurt people that i love. people hurt me. lost the only girl i ever loved, because i messed it up. its now 10 years ago, i just thought with the time i can forget her and go on. but sitting here 10 years later, i realize, thats not the case. taking drugs was a good thing for some time. just to forget. but soon i started with selling and other criminal stuff, always aware of the police. once, somebody was holding a gun in my face and it was just like "pull the damn trigger" "do it !" but he didnt and i was kinda sad. i felt like a king in those times, like noone can do anything to you. hanging around with the right people, making loads of money. i lived like this for 5 years (age of 16-21). never got arrested, now i wish i better had been arrested, maybe that would have changed something or even ended my life at that time. with 21 i was just a wreck. the point had to come, where i just broke down. going to the hospital. from that point i quit with all that drug shit. about that time, my family and i had a lot of problems. my father and my mother lost their jobs and i had to help them of course. we are all doing now hard jobs just to earn a little bit of money, and still we need help from the social care. we are poor now, just trying to survive. since then i feal like im already dead. just going to work, sleep, sitting in front of the computer or the tv. in the last 5 years i never walked outside except for the work. lost all of my friends, didnt answer the telephone or opened the door. just me and my thoughts alone. i guess if i had money and the connection, i would go back to taking drugs again, just to forget. because this isnt possible, i started to cut myself. not everyday, not even every week. its like trying to kill me finally, but its always the same, ending up with 3 or 4 really deep cuts at my wrist or arm. realizing that im still alive. re-opening the wounds just to get bigger scars. im asking myself why i didnt do it right this time, whats worth to live for? and its always the same answer. nothing.im 26 now, i thrown my future away, doing a job that i hate, lost the girl i loved. i cant imagine how i ever can be happy again, maybe having a good job, a house, a wife that i love and some wonderful kids. why having kids in this world anyway? this world just sucks. but even if i would try to get a life like that, i wont get it. finding a girl that i love and which loves me seems to be impossible for me. im so ugly now, i dont think that anyone wants me. in the past i was comfortable with myself. i had confidence, i wasnt looking so bad. not an adonis or something but it was ok, but the last 10 years made a monster of me. getting a job i like, with no graduation is almost impossible too. so, im asking myself why im still here. how long you wanna live like that? another 5 years? 10? 20? just end it now, it will be better then for everybody. well ok, there is no one left who will care about that. so, its better for me. thats ok too. it will be better for my parents too, they just have more money for themselfs then. so what am i waiting for? just do it now ! sry for my bad english, just trying to translate my thoughts.