Where to begin... It's kinda a long story and maybe a stupid one but I feel there won't be judgement here and nobody to tell me I'm stupid for feeling the way I do, and I can get it out, so that's why I'm here. I used to be a super happy go lucky type person, always with a smile on my face. I amazed people with my positivity. If someone was feeling down I was the one they came to. No matter the situation, I always took it as it came and could always find the silver lining, even could find the silver lining instantly, moments after something bad happened. Course now that I'm feeling really down, people don't want to listen to it. Dunno if it scares them, or they just don't care, but they don't want to listen. Anyway, it was my positive outlook on life that got me my girlfriend, and we had the most amazing relationship I've ever seen. From the moment we met we were instantly connected, and became best friends, long before we became a couple. Everything went fantastic, and we didn't really have much, but we didn't care. We had each other, our music, and a dog. We also spent a ton of time travelling together. We were absolutely crazy about each other. We regularly talked about how we would be together for the rest of our lives and such stuff. I should mention that she comes from a broken family, cause it's kinda key to the story. Without going into too many details, her parents are both crazy. They are divorced as well and one lives on the west coast, one on the east. My GF loved my family though. Anyway, sometime in november, her mom decided that we wern't allowed to spend christmas with my family, and I figured we could do the 24th with mine, the 25th with hers. No good, she demanded that my GF be there by the 22nd. A couple days later, her mom said that I wasn't allowed to come. Then a few days later she said that she bought my GF a train ticket on the 16th, and told her that she might have cancer (which was a lie, she doesn't) in order to guilt my GF into going. Then she said to my GF to bring all her things with her on the train. I could see through what was going on long ago, and it was becoming clear to my GF, so she left her dog with me (it's originally her dog, so a little more hers than mine) and some stuff as a sign that she was planning on coming back. Anyway, a month went by with her mom making excuses for why she was too broke to afford a ticket back (but not too broke to buy herself a new laptop and a bunch of other stuff). And so I finally earned the money to get her a ticket back myself. All was good, and we had talked on the phone, text, facetime, all kinds of stuff the whole time, and she couldn't wait to get back so we could get back to our lives. And then one day, after a month of her mother constantly badgering her to be more responsible and go to university and stuff (which she was actually about to do), and my GF living with her psycho mom, feeling stuck and such, she just snapped one day, 4 days before the plane ride home. It was night and day and suddenly my GF who loved life, and loved me to death just closed up, and decided she hates the world, went on a huge sudden drinking binge and decided that she needed to go live on the street, destroy her life, be homeless and get drunk all the time and be treated crappy. (that's actually something she said, she wanted to be treated like dirt). Yeah... strange reaction I know, but it's what happened. So she came back for a day, took our dog, gave each other our christmas presents, cried, and cuddled cause for some reason though she still loved me to death and wanted to stay, and said it was the hardest thing she's ever done, she had made up her mind that she had to go. And I just don't understand it, I can't wrap my head around it. She was such a different person when I saw her... but you could still sense that girl I loved in there. The next morning, I had to drive her out of town to say goodbye(felt like I was driving to my own funeral). She hitchhiked out, and that night they got in a really bad accident. She survived, and was lucky not to be permanently injured, but the accident on top of what already happened and saying goodbye without understanding made it the worst day of my life. She still talks to me sometimes on the phone, and wants to be with me but feels like she can't. I just don't get it. And nothing I say will make her change her mind. She is just going off and being as self destructive as possible to herself and it makes no sense. She feels the pain she is causing for herself but just keeps on going. She needs someone to talk to, and I would be happy to but she just wants to hurt herself(which is actually kinda funny cause that's what I'm dealing with for myself now ). It's so hard because I can barely recognize her now, except for those moments when she comes through again. It's like she died, but her ghost is still there from time to time. It was really hard to watch her do this to herself too. If she didn't love me, or we had fought lots, or she wasn't attracted to me, or there was any reason to break up I could move past it, take the pain, move on and recover. But there isn't a reason. I don't get it. She still says I'm perfect for her. It's not getting easier every day like it's supposed to, it's getting harder and harder. And it's pretty clear it's getting harder cause when it happened I could write music, and that's something good I got out of this. I wrote an entire album of songs in less than a week. But now I can't even pick up my guitar. I just don't get why this happened. I found the girl of my dreams and I just can't have her, for no reason, and certainly no reason within my control. All our hopes, dreams, and plans, gone for no reason. And I know there's plenty of fish in the sea and all but not like this. I've had my share of long-term relationships and break ups and this girl was the real deal. No matter how hard I try to move on I can't. If I screwed up and was a dick to her or something, it would make sense, and I could wrap my head around it, and learn from it. There's nothing to learn here though. I don't get why she is forcing us to live a tragic life like one in a movie where 40 years later they come together again but one is married at that point but they still love each other, even more than who they ended up settling with, and they reminisce and stuff but it's too late even though they were the ones meant to be together. That's so tragic that someone should have to go through that. Anyway, it's not just the loss of the girl that makes me think of ending it. I know I shoudn't kill myself over the loss of a girl. It's the fact that I've lost my ability to trust anyone, and all my hopes and dreams are meaningless, or gone. I don't want to live in a world where you can have everything you've ever wanted one minute, and it be gone the next for no reason, and you have absolutely no say over it. I don't want to live in a world where the person you trust most, and know the best can change in an instant. I have absolutely no control over my life, and it makes me feel very out of control when everything can just disappear out of the blue and there's nothing I can do about it. I am completely destroyed. Full of disbelief and despair. I am no longer me. My own personal being is gone. I'm a shell of my former self. Time heals all wounds they say, but even if she came back, and found herself again, I just feel like there's some wounds that just don't heal. I kinda wish I could just eternal sunshine of the spotless mind myself out of this... but even if that's possible, I wouldn't want to lose the beautiful moments, as they are some of the most beautiful memories of my life, as painful as it is to remember them. I wish I would have just died instantly in a car crash or something when I was happy. My entire life came crashing down around me in an instant, and there's nothing I could have done to stop it, and I can't do anything to get my mind off it. It's been this way a while now and I'm getting worse and worse and I can't bring myself to do anything. Every day is just passing time till I'm tired enough that I might be able to fall asleep, then I sleep as long as I possibly can. I used to go out with friends but somehow it makes me feel more alone than when I'm by myself. One of my favorite things to do now is watch shows I used to hate... mostly cause they remind me of nothing. I can't bring myself to do anything I used to. My favorite thing to do is sleep. That's the only time I don't think. Every night before bed I wish for a meteor or something to crush my house or something. Waking up is probably the worst part of my day. I figured the trusty <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> would be the way I'd go. Something painless, and something easy, something efficient, and definitely something not messy. For a while the mess factor was the main reason I didn't do it. I don't want someone to have to go out of their way to clean me up, especially my family. I could only imagine how that would feel. But also I don't want my family to know I killed myself. I think that would make them feel similar to how I feel now... really out of control... I kinda feel like my GF killed herself because she's gone from that person I knew.. though every once in a while she comes through again. And then I saw a book titled "Saying Goodbye to Uncle Joe" which is aimed at kids, and helps them cope with the loss of a loved one and I thought of my own niece and nephew, who I love very much. And I thought of them growing up, and 15 years from now saying something like "my uncle ended his life when I was really little". And they each made me a valentine card, which I keep here with me. So... those are the reasons I'm still alive. I wish I had a reason of my own though. It makes me feel like a martyr, which only makes me feel worse about my situation. I'm alive because I don't want to shatter my niece's innocence. (my nephew is probably too young and wouldn't remember me). Yes it's definitely the niece that is the ultimate cause of prevention. So I guess I probably am not at risk to kill myself at any moment, it would definitely take some more planning... Partially I wanna keep it as on the DL as I can, I don't want to hurt people, or at least as little as possible... and also I have to record my album first. So yeah, more planning... but I can't stop thinking about how I wish I could die, and how I don't feel like being in this world, how great it would feel to just slip away from it all and let the world go on without expecting me to play ball and pretend I fit in, or pretend I'm not constantly feeling this way. I also kinda have a problem where I don't see much of a point to life on the whole beyond being happy and enjoying it as much as you can, and I'm just not enjoying it, there's too much to think about. Not an hour goes by that I don't think about ending it at least a couple times. And to be honest it keeps feeling like the ultimate logical conclusion I arrive at when pondering my situation. And if I had the funds to set up a really nice last day for myself and do it somewhere far away and I could maybe just "go missing", that would be nice. I'd be down for a quick random end too. Maybe I'll just take up skydiving, or become a super hero or something really dangerous. Anyway, that's my story. Thanks for letting me share it. Sorry it's so long. It does feel really good to be open about it though.