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Long Term Effects

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by lovesong, Nov 13, 2010.

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  1. lovesong

    lovesong New Member

    It's been four years since my first suicide attempt. I really only get depressed in the fall now -- every September and beginning of October like clockwork I just go to pieces and then am completely fine again. I've essentially been harmless to myself in these last four years (I say essentially because two years ago I made a very half-assed attempt and OD'd enough to go to the hospital but I think I was more aiming for self-harm with a chance of death than death with achance of self-harm, if that makes any sense.) and was convinced that I was past the experiences and feelings that lead to and were born from my attempt.

    The reason I'm posting this is because more and more I feel a divide between myself and people that haven't experienced the same thing. It's not a divide that keeps me from interacting and making friends and being sociable. It's a divide in the sense that no one that I know will ever be able to comprehend how horrible I felt in those times -- my first attempt in particular, which was also my most severe.

    No matter how much better I get there will always be those memories and that knowledge and this feeling of complete and utter sympathy for my seventeen year old self that I know other people can't understand. I've tried to talking to my friends about the experience but they don't quite get it. They literally cannot comprehend what it is to be so hopeless and helpless and sad that you think the only option is to take your life. And I'm happy for them for that. But sometimes I wish there was somewhere I could go to talk about what it was like to be in that place with someone that not only gets it but has also moved on from that place.

    I don't quite get why now all of sudden I have this urge to talk about it all. Maybe it's because I'm finally ready to get it all out and move on -- I've never told anyone the true story of what happened the night I tried to kill myself. Until these last few weeks, I thought I was over it. I don't keep what happened a secret -- I believe the more taboo I make my past, the more taboo people will find it -- so I'm open about it. But lately it's been on my mind all the time and thinking about it makes me so much more emotional than it used to and... I just feel confused and like now, four years later when I'm finally ready to talk, there's no one around to listen.

    (Sorry, I know this was a whole lot of tl;dr.)
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    welcome. this is a safe place to share what happened. we're happy to listen. have you considered a support group? our local mood disorders association runs various groups where you can share as much as you are comfortable.
  3. Ms. Nobody

    Ms. Nobody Member

    I tried to kill myself about 3 years ago. The only people I have told about it did not understand so I don't talk about it to anyone. Most of the time when I think about it...it just makes o sense to me and I can't remember why I even did it. Unless I'm really depressed. Then I remember.

    I don't know what to say except I know that feeling.
  4. acecoffee

    acecoffee Active Member

    to be very honest , it is very easy for people without experience on such thing to judge and prejudice exist .

    i had tons of attampts, from just impulsive . to carefully plan .
    had the most esp while i was in psych hospital , but well , that is obviously my worse time .
    irionlly enough , what stop me from the last carefully plan suicide is that fact that none of the previous attampt had work , so i just didnt bother with it ,cause i know it will fail even more .
    i m still extremely suciidal and suicidal idealation
    but i dont dare to take attampt unless i have 100 % certainty that it will turn out well ,

    i had recieve tons of punishment such as the lost of my freedom and cash for it ,
    i could also lose my job as i work in a very fast pase resturant ,my future will be fuck up since i fuck last year up due to the suicide attampt . i was force in to a short stay pysch-ward for 3 months .

    i dont seems to do impulsive suicide attampt anymore , cause i just learn the fact that the chance of it working is very low .but i do get extremely jealous of those who manage to commit suicide , and it work out well for them ,
    i think they are extremely lucky in a sense and bless for them that they finally set free .
    but hey , who m i to say ,
    they might be in heaven or hell in afterlife ,
    who know ?
  5. snowtiger327

    snowtiger327 Member

    Hey I get that feeling, of feeling frustrated or lonely when others don't get what the heck I'm saying because they'll never know what it's like to be that hopeless and depressed. So you're not alone, and I always thought it was only me that felt that way too. =]
  6. jota1

    jota1 Well-Known Member

    I would have thought that a lot of us have attempted suicide at least once in our lifetime.

    I did the idiocy (at the time did not know how it would pan out) of trying the Alcohol/Pills scenario where (supposedly) you go unconscious and your body rejects everything you have taken and you sort of wake up in a mess and feeling pretty bad about yourself. Anyway I digress!

    everyone here knows what your talking about so... your not alone.
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