My last major depression episode was about 7 years ago, since then it's been between some decent days and mild down days. I've came realize that there isn't much room for improvement in life with my situation, and it's difficult to be optimistic with depression lingering around like a shadow and seeing the realities of my life clearly. I've always had a plan of sorts in my head that didn't go beyond preparing for it. There were things that kept me from it, whether it's consideration for family or I had a decent day. Mostly it's the procrastinator in me. I consider myself having a "rational" approach to taking my life - I don't see doing it spur of the moment or emotionally as options for me. When and how I do it would be because I feel I'm finally out of moves and options. Kind of like hitting the reset button when nothing else works. Which brings me to today. After 17 years working for the same company, we were told that there will be layoffs next year. Management "kindly" informed us actual layoffs won't start until Feb. and continue until Sept 2015. My mind immediately was filled with conflicting thoughts. This was motivation to die AND move on. I thought I might move on to something else, but the realist in me reminded me of everything I'm lacking at 41 years of age to see major changes in my life. I considered some immediate employment options, but they required near impossible concessions. I found myself thinking this is happening too early and I'm not ready to take my life. The conflicting thought was this is the perfect opportunity since there's no time to procrastinate. Choosing to go on with life appears full of worse surroundings that I know will drive me towards a worse state than I was yesterday. I might as well not delay the inevitable and start planning and preparing.