Long-term sadness causing suicide ideation.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ryanglander, Mar 12, 2009.

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  1. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    My dad passed away two weeks ago after being diagnosed of a terminal illness two years ago. I have had to spend all day with him because he had to have someone with him 24/7, though not really, I would leave him alone for a few hours at most during "low-risk" times. I was suicidal while he was sick and have vowed to kill myself once he died. Though after seeing my mom in terrible pain still and having to settle financial issues I'm going to put it off until the summer.

    I never tell anyone in person. I hide all my suicidal feelings. I do this because I WANT to succeed when I do it, and don't want to be stopped. I even clear the history on this computer every time I visit this site (even though there's a password on this computer anyway). Also I have a painless and pretty much guarantee method to kill myself, and can be locked in an isolated area so I would die before anyone could get to me, but I would do it at like 3am so no one would even be up to know I'm doing it.

    I realize suicide is wrong. But my suicidal ideation stems not from some chemical imbalance, but I just feel I don't have any "real" family. I don't have anyone to talk to (though many people have said if you never want to talk call me) it doesn't mean anything. Just as if you were talking to a dog (who doesn't even vaguely understand) or an abusive person (who would very suttley be nasty[in my situation at least]).

    I'm on AD. I've seen a social worker a few months ago and it didn't work out (and I never told her I'm suicidal). I never told, or will tell me doctor... I guess I'm just asking if theres anything else I could do. I have a dull hopeless despair because of a lack of genuine love, and I just don't think I was made to live as an adult... I just think because there's so much pain everyone would be better off dead...
  2. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi. i am very sorry for the situation you are in.

    i can understand your pain, as most of us here, can.

    there is no judgment here at s.f. - so i cannot agree with you that suicide is '''wrong'''. . . . not in a good-bad arena. .. rather, it is never the best option. it causes much trauma and permanent damage to the ones we leave behind, and it eliminates all hope, for the one who dies by suicide.
    because as long as we are alive - we have hope of things turning for the better.
    suicide won't relieve your pain - because there is no sensation after death . and relief of pain - is sensatory.

    instead, game over. nothing.

    as long as you are living - you have a chance of joy, passion, love, friends, fun, fulfillment, pleasure, all the emotions from happy/sad/you name it. . .
    but dead. man, dead is dead.

    we all understand your feelings. but. i know i speak for most all when i say, we hope you don't go.
    you can lean on us, and yes, we all lean on each other here, and we can get through these times, and eventually, on to better times.

    pm if you want to talk. those are not empty words. i answer every pm and there are so many people here, the very same way. and we accept you.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sorry about the loss of your dad...that must be very painful... and yes, there is something you can do, be honest about how you are feeling when trying to receive help...providers can only treat what comes to the relationship and can only help those problems identified...trusting relationships take time and consistency...see if you can be more forthcoming with what is going on for you...maybe having these emotions identified can help them be explored and resolved...all the best, J
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