Long time, no see...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Beachboy, Nov 19, 2006.

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  1. Beachboy

    Beachboy Well-Known Member

    Hey guys!

    It really is a case of long time, no see. I have not written here in ages.

    I guess I am here because once again here is all I have as a way of expressing myself without compromise. No matter what you feel on the inside it seems an impossibility to relay that to the outside world. I want to say x, y and z but I am saying a, b and c.

    How do you say you are feeling suicidal?

    Anyway I have been to my doctors and I am now on Citaloplam (spelt right?) 20mg which is something I guess although I asked for a higher dosage the other day as last week I was feeling really bad and 10 mg seemed inadequate. But these feelings seem overwhelming sometimes and drugs seem a token gesture on my part. I am also seeing a counsellor although I have not mentioned feeling suicidal as that relationship would have to be reviewed and I am beginning to explore feelings that I am having. I don't want to destroy something that feels positive and thoughts about suicide are different from being suicidal. Aren't they?

    I am painfully aware that I am very lonely right now. I am somewhat detached from my surroundings and have those age old feelings of being invisible, of being surrounded by fog, of having difficulty in doing the basic of tasks. I do have a network of friends but I am afraid of imposing, of demanding and ultimately I guess them rejecting me. They all have their problems. I feel guilty for wanting to tell them mine.

    I am saying about S.A.D, about the weather bringing me down, about how January and February are "bad" months but even though there is some truth to this I know it is more than that. I have read about Borderline Personality Disorder and it does feel a more apt a description of my situation. S.A.D really has no substance in terms of getting your teeth into a diagnosis. People tell me to get a light box but I the light gives me a headache. My daily thoughts of suicide seem far away from light boxes and holidays in exotic places.

    I have just finished work (15 hours night shift) and I am thinking about how best to "be" today. Tidying up seems a good place to start. A hot shower. A drive in the car with the windows down. But the reality is that "feeling" is sitting at the back of my head, sometimes reaching over to my forehead and I can't shake it off.

    Thanks for letting me offload.

  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Welcome back. Sounds like you're having a hard time at the moment.
    Let it all out, there is always someone who will hear and help.
  3. Beachboy

    Beachboy Well-Known Member

    I am a lucky guy.

    I talked it through with a friend the other day and when I said it was the SAD causing me grief he challenged me and said there was more to it than that and I just let it all out including feeling suicidal.

    It is not about wanting people to wave a magic wand or having the answers. It is about being heard. It is about being able to say the word "suicide" and not fear rejection. It is about not feeling guilty or embarrased. It is about connecting.... my new BUZZ word. I connected that night with all my friends on a level I had never indulged before. Very emotional. Some didn't like it. Others were great. But I was being real and that was the most important thing.

    It is still not easy and today there were some wobbly moments but I sent a few texts out and people replied and said that they hoped I was ok and that they heard me and to keep in there.

    I guess that is why these forums are so great. People connect however distressed they are!

    Beachboy x
  4. helena

    helena Staff Alumni

    :) I'm glad you got a real talk about the way you deeply feel and you've beeing supported. Yes, I agree, it is about beeing heard, and for the matter of it, I feel most heard by the people I met here, those as you say still reach out even when their own lives are beeing a pain too.I've been here for 2 years(and 2 days :D ) and still remember very well how good it felt to get welcomed, understood and supported within less than 1/2 hour after I posted, and beachboy, you were one of the first to reply back then :), still remember you told me you also felt like at the titanic, you were just glad you didn't have to kiss Kate Winslow :rofl:
    I don't know where I want to get with this now, I guess I just wanted to let you know that I'm glad you're around and things seem to be not too bad.
    Take care
  5. Beachboy

    Beachboy Well-Known Member

    :rolleyes: :laugh: :biggrin: Thanks Helena...
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