Hey guys!
It really is a case of long time, no see. I have not written here in ages.
I guess I am here because once again here is all I have as a way of expressing myself without compromise. No matter what you feel on the inside it seems an impossibility to relay that to the outside world. I want to say x, y and z but I am saying a, b and c.
How do you say you are feeling suicidal?
Anyway I have been to my doctors and I am now on Citaloplam (spelt right?) 20mg which is something I guess although I asked for a higher dosage the other day as last week I was feeling really bad and 10 mg seemed inadequate. But these feelings seem overwhelming sometimes and drugs seem a token gesture on my part. I am also seeing a counsellor although I have not mentioned feeling suicidal as that relationship would have to be reviewed and I am beginning to explore feelings that I am having. I don't want to destroy something that feels positive and thoughts about suicide are different from being suicidal. Aren't they?
I am painfully aware that I am very lonely right now. I am somewhat detached from my surroundings and have those age old feelings of being invisible, of being surrounded by fog, of having difficulty in doing the basic of tasks. I do have a network of friends but I am afraid of imposing, of demanding and ultimately I guess them rejecting me. They all have their problems. I feel guilty for wanting to tell them mine.
I am saying about S.A.D, about the weather bringing me down, about how January and February are "bad" months but even though there is some truth to this I know it is more than that. I have read about Borderline Personality Disorder and it does feel a more apt a description of my situation. S.A.D really has no substance in terms of getting your teeth into a diagnosis. People tell me to get a light box but I the light gives me a headache. My daily thoughts of suicide seem far away from light boxes and holidays in exotic places.
I have just finished work (15 hours night shift) and I am thinking about how best to "be" today. Tidying up seems a good place to start. A hot shower. A drive in the car with the windows down. But the reality is that "feeling" is sitting at the back of my head, sometimes reaching over to my forehead and I can't shake it off.
Thanks for letting me offload.
Beachboy
It really is a case of long time, no see. I have not written here in ages.
I guess I am here because once again here is all I have as a way of expressing myself without compromise. No matter what you feel on the inside it seems an impossibility to relay that to the outside world. I want to say x, y and z but I am saying a, b and c.
How do you say you are feeling suicidal?
Anyway I have been to my doctors and I am now on Citaloplam (spelt right?) 20mg which is something I guess although I asked for a higher dosage the other day as last week I was feeling really bad and 10 mg seemed inadequate. But these feelings seem overwhelming sometimes and drugs seem a token gesture on my part. I am also seeing a counsellor although I have not mentioned feeling suicidal as that relationship would have to be reviewed and I am beginning to explore feelings that I am having. I don't want to destroy something that feels positive and thoughts about suicide are different from being suicidal. Aren't they?
I am painfully aware that I am very lonely right now. I am somewhat detached from my surroundings and have those age old feelings of being invisible, of being surrounded by fog, of having difficulty in doing the basic of tasks. I do have a network of friends but I am afraid of imposing, of demanding and ultimately I guess them rejecting me. They all have their problems. I feel guilty for wanting to tell them mine.
I am saying about S.A.D, about the weather bringing me down, about how January and February are "bad" months but even though there is some truth to this I know it is more than that. I have read about Borderline Personality Disorder and it does feel a more apt a description of my situation. S.A.D really has no substance in terms of getting your teeth into a diagnosis. People tell me to get a light box but I the light gives me a headache. My daily thoughts of suicide seem far away from light boxes and holidays in exotic places.
I have just finished work (15 hours night shift) and I am thinking about how best to "be" today. Tidying up seems a good place to start. A hot shower. A drive in the car with the windows down. But the reality is that "feeling" is sitting at the back of my head, sometimes reaching over to my forehead and I can't shake it off.
Thanks for letting me offload.
Beachboy
I'm glad you got a real talk about the way you deeply feel and you've beeing supported. Yes, I agree, it is about beeing heard, and for the matter of it, I feel most heard by the people I met here, those as you say still reach out even when their own lives are beeing a pain too.I've been here for 2 years(and 2 days 
) and still remember very well how good it felt to get welcomed, understood and supported within less than 1/2 hour after I posted, and beachboy, you were one of the first to reply back then