long time no speak

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by flowerpot, Apr 10, 2008.

  1. flowerpot

    flowerpot Well-Known Member

    it's been a fair while since i've really been here and posted.. but i'm back. i need it now because i have nothing else to do and no one to talk to or anything. i'm having a bad week. truly, just all these bad things are happening and having the biggest impact on me.. and today wasnt great at all. you know for a while ive been feeling like a peice of nothing, worthless, because i dont mean anything to anyone, no one cares for me, and all that i wont go into detail. but today.. one of my "friends" just prooved and made those feelings completely true.. perhaps im just being dumb, and overly sensitive this week? i dont know.. but just ergh, well we kind of have this group of three people, but this one 'friend' only sits in the group (this is at school by the way) at some lunch times or half of the week or whatever, because she has this other group of friends, and today the third girl wasnt at school, and i went to go be with the 'friend' and the few other people she sat with because one of them im like.. friendly or whatever with.. and now that i think about it she just totally acted as if she didnt know me, i think she must of been embarressed, and i guess i dont blame her, but its not like anything bad was happening.. i dont think she wanted me there though. then after that we had a class together, and she was sort of alright then, but when i asked if i could sit with her at lunch time she was just all " i dont know what im doing yet.. i might be going to the library " and at the time i said " the library.. what the hell are you going there for? " etc. and she didnt really give much of an answer i cant really remember.. and she has never gone to the library that im aware of, so i think she just must of said it so i wouldnt be around her.. truly it just confirms my beliefs. i dont understand.. am i the most insignificant person on this planet? do my feelings and all really not matter that much.. its just everyone makes me feel like that.. its like i cant have friends.. no one cares about me much.. she didnt care about me being utterly alone, she was happy to just ignore my existence.. i know it must sound like i overreacted, but this happens day in day out. people tell me i just have bad friends, and need to find new ones etc. but she was a new friend this year? its EVERYONE, so it must be me, i must just be nothing. i really am just unimportant. i dont matter one bit. so at lunch i ended up walking out of the school because that made me feel a hell lot worse oh and i had blood on me. i dont know if im going to get in trouble for it.. i havent told my parents yet, and your supposed to sign out or something if you leave school early, so i dont know if the school will say anything about it, because what i did i guess was wrong but i was kind of just panicking and needed to get out of there. tomorrow isnt going to be better. its the one year anniversary of the person i cant seem to forget, but they just walked out of my life and never came back about 6ish months ago. i dont feel like going to school. ive been feeling really anxious again lately which had seemed to of gone for a while but i think it may also be because of an increased caffeine intake. i dont feel like waking up or getting out of bed. i dont want to be around people. i dont want to see that friend especially. is there something wrong with me? why cant i just have friends.. i havent talked or been around any of my other friends in nearly a week, lately just all the no one caring blah blah has been building up, and it angers me having to care about peopel who dont care back. i get tired of always being there for people, and never having anyone there. like for instance i have this one friend i guess, she just.. she doesnt do anything bad to me but its like she only ever needs me when shes not okay, because she says im the only one who understands and cares and she sas i help her, and i want to help her, im okay with that, but just knowing i only mean something to her when im telling her how amazing she is blah blah and things will get better. but her father passed away yesterday from cancer.. so i want to be there for her, but its just a crap feeling having to be there for someone when for a week ive wanted someone to be there for me. i just have to get it in my head that ill never have anyone, im not worth it. i dont want a social life anymore. i really really really dont want to be around people. i have nothign to give and theres nothing to do to make thigns better.. any form of reply would mean alot right now, but im not expecting it.. just please dont suggest talking to a therapist or anything because honest to death i cant put my feelings out in person anywhere near like i can online and it just wont happen and its too hard to explain.. i just dont talk about personal things to them and crap.. i guess i get myself stuck in unhelpable positions.. i just want one answer to fix everything, but i guess that doesnt exist.. oh well :( i hope everyone else is having far better weeks
  2. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    Hey Flowerpot, well are your parents people you are able to talk to about how you are feeling or any older brothers or sisters? Theres no such thing as curses or anything like that, instead of looking at things introvertingly like thinking theres something wrong with you why not look at it as there is something wrong with them. maybe make friends outside of school, are there girls your age with similar hobbies? or join a club or spend more time with family you care about. The important thing is your not alone and people do care.