Long time silence

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by th3silent0ne, Mar 28, 2014.

  1. th3silent0ne

    th3silent0ne Well-Known Member

    A long time ago I joined while under extreme emotional pain. My body felt lifeless and all I wanted was to end it all. I expressed my emotions through poetry, and through that cried out for help. Eventually it just wasn't enough. One winter's night I ended up in the hospital because of how close I came to ending it. The pain was too much. I was emotionally torn apart. Christmas came with the reminder of the death of my grandpa, as well as it being another dull holiday. Seeing people happy made me angry. Every time I wanted to cry, I'd self harm. It was addicting. It was my way of coping. I was so lost, empty, and lifeless. New years was the last push I needed to send me over the edge. And so I was hospitalized.

    It has been a little over a year since that event. I'm still alive thanks to a special female who found me at one of the hospital programs. We both had our share of emotional damage. Shortly after my crisis event, she found me and brought me back to life. She understood what I was going through and comforted me. She stayed by my side through any issues I had and has been supportive. I have been able to open myself up to her. Be myself, and feel comfortable. And interestingly it was the first time that I could actually cry, rather than holding it back and bleeding it out.

    My depression is still here. It never left, and I still feel weak. My social anxiety has gotten worse, and so has my fear of crowds. My appetite fades, slowly starving me. Despite having love in my life, I feel there is still a part of me that has collected all negative emotions. As if there are 2 different sides of me. It still feels depressed, still wants to self harm, still thinks about suicide (sometimes). It still longs to complete it's suicidal goal from that dark winter. So yes, I feel divided. Only now I have a reason to live.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hold on to that reason to live ok and i hope you can get some therapy to help you change your thought patterns about leaving hugs