Long time since i posted here... the end...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Hurted, Jul 11, 2014.

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  1. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    VERY TRIGGERING (If you are suicidal, rather skip this post)

    After one and only attempt in 2011 i've somehow managed to be happy for a while. Got a girlfriend, moved in and stuff... 2 years, she left me, nothing weird though, i'm possesive and jealous... i've battled with depression and suicide. I finished college with amazing grade. I've got a car license few months ago. I'm going to UK and Scotland with friends next month. I will continue education in other city. I'm saying all these things because thats what i wanted for years... now when i finally have enough money and when i achieved all this, i'm getting more depressed... tried different psychologist, diferrrent meds... they practically don't work, except sleeping pills and sedatives... i guess i'm imune on antidepressants.... The only reason i am thinking about suicide and not actually doing it are my parents... but in the end, i always was egoistic spoiled brat, and i know when i'll sink a little further i am capable of killing myself... no jokes this time, <mod edit - methods>, i'll take chances... I can't stand it. And the worst thing is there is no one to blame. All the mistakes, all misfortune is all result of my actions. No one forced me into anything, no one hurted me... except me. I tried fighting this, i swear... sport daily... medication... books, self theraphy... shrink... lots of sports, fruits and healthy food... distraction like achieving a lot... i'm one of the best student, extremely inteliigent... but i don't give a fuck. I will NOT live this live thinking daily what i will never have. Her. Or forget her and have a family. I rather fucking die then live a life of regret, unllived dreams... it's just that i really dont want to hurt my parents. I wish i could somehow erase myself from their memory and <mod edit - methods>.. well it doesnt really mather. All i know is that my life will end with a suicide. Maybe soon, maybe 10 years from now... i remember telling this to a friend this few years ago... i realise now... the more the things change, the more they stay the same. Sorry, just ignore this.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 12, 2014
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You make NEW dreams ok you should be so proud of you hun for all you have accomplished You find a new person that will fill that hole in your heart. You found one for awhile but she was not to be so you find the right one ok Make new dreams hugs
  3. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    keep trying my good friend. you will find happiness.
  4. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    If you found happiness once then it can happen again. Please continue to try to get treatment for your depression. It can take a while to find the right combination or the right treatment. Your parents love you and it would devastate them. Believe me, I have a son and the thought of him killing himself makes me sick to the stomach and feel faint. That's something I don't think I would survive. You know that suicide is 'contagious'? One suicide in a family greatly increases the risks of other family members going the same way. That's a terrible legacy and a thought that has kept me safe at times.
  5. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    Thanks for replies. After reading my post again, i realise how terrible my english has become since i left high school... damn, i was so good at it... anyway, i currently have some goals that are preventing me to harm myself. But this time i feel that it is the last option. So... i will move to other city in about few months... if this won't work out, i don't know... i certainly know i have a limit. When will i reach, that i don't know. I'll know just that if things stay like they have been for the last 8 years, i definitely won't torture myself by being alive. I don't know... what discourages me is that i know a lot of people who've been waiting for a change for years, and yet it hasn't arrived....
  6. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    It's sad, but what i finally realised is that maybe it won't get better. I know people who have suicidal for entire life. I don't want to live another 50 years being depressed and sad and thinking of everything that i wasted. I don't want to participate this anymore. There is no point. It's depressing, but that's how it is. 8 years ago, exatly the same feeling, exactly the same problems. I just can't take it anymore. 24 years of my life and it feels like a life sentence. I will not sit here in this room, 30 years old, single, depressed, i refuse this fucking hell. I've fighting and trying to change things, but it doesn't help.
  7. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    I've been on here for six years... join date: jan 2008... too long. i probably won't post here, i don't know. i've decided to try for the last time. i will give it a chance, if things won't change soon, it's the end. i finally found good method, combination of 2 actually. i'l see what me moving from this city will bring. if the situation will be the same few months from now on, i will end it all. i know that this time i'm serious. and i feel so much calmer after i realised, for the first time in my life, that i actually have to courage to do it. thanks to everyone who ever replied to any of my threads. let's see what next few months will bring.
  8. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    Ok, i don't know what to do. I feel depressed to a point that i can't even put it into the words. I try fighting so hard, but i have lost energy. I just can't stand this feelings. The meds don't seem to be working, and believe me, i've tried many different AD's. I always had strong motivation will... my psychologist said i'm a "fighter". But i don't want this anymore. There is no point. It's all just a trick. Cognitive Behavioural theraphy helped me a lot, until i realised, that it's a kind of brainwashing. Believing i will be happy one day and have family is ilussion. I am a mentally ill. I can't have stable relationship because im unfunctional, abandonment issues, possesivnes, fears... I have achieved so much in last 6 months. I fought harder than ever. I visited few psychologists, tried many different meds... i cant stand a minute of life anymore and there is nothing that helps me... plans, sport, music, friends, nothing... all the time i think of how i wanted to have someone close to me, someone with whom i would wake... things are fucked up beyond a point. I am not functioning anymore and i hide it inside and i cant stand it. I can't talk about suicide with my doctor cause i don't want it in the records. I don't know what else i could do. I am completely lost and looking back at the past 8 years, i see only mistakes i made... so many missed opportunies, i fuck up everything at the end. It will just one human less, just a number... nobody will ever know i existed 20 years from now. Why was i born? Why do i have to feel like i do everysingle day? I need release but nothing helps me, so i really don't know what to do. I don't want to kill myself, i want to life, but i just have no alternative. I feel like screaming and broking everything in my room, i feel strong urge to hurt myself, i want so badly to feel the pain, oh god... i just can't stand it, i have vivid images of myself dying of violent death and i just want to be torn to pieces and die and find the peace. I really don't know what to do.
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