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long time since ive been here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by alexman, Nov 4, 2012.

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  1. alexman

    alexman Banned Member

    just wasting time i feel like shit i havent thought about suicide for a long time it started a few months ago thinking i should be dead i dont want to live
    to recently thinking i should really kill myself i have no point in living
    and for the last few weeks ive actually been planning i should <mod edit- method> im just slipping more and more this is worrying me
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 4, 2012
  2. alexman

    alexman Banned Member

    wildcherry why am i still under moderation?
  3. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    You do have a point to living, you can recover and be happy again- are you getting any professional help? :hug: Keep talking here lovely :hug:
  4. alexman

    alexman Banned Member

    Recently all ive been thinking about is death just looping in my head CUT CUT CUT CUT i keep playing along with a knife along my wrist and not across as more blood comes from cutting on the sides following the bones. i just keep thinking wouldnt life be better for everyone if i just swallowed a fuckton of pills i mean almost any aspirin or similar that is prescription free in large doses will kill the liver. even when im in bed thinking about my life how empty it is how my sister and family acts like i dont exist because they are ashamed of me i think about maybe if i hang myself in the ceiling fan just a skip of the bed it can support my wheight and a noose isnt hard to tie. heck even when im about to go out after being locked up for 2 weeks to buy food even getting a plastic bag to carry the items home it even crosses my mind just put it over your head and suffocate even if its stupid all that is on my mind is death he haunts me everysingle moment of my day i wish i lived in america where you have freedom to express yourself this communist backwater idiot country with assholes everywhere judging you you cant even buy guns to blow your brains out that would be quick and painless ffs i cant even play computer games the thing i loved the most in my entire life ive been playing it for aobut 18 years and all i think about is if i cut the cord i can lick it and hold the other lead in my hand so the current stops my heart i just want to end it i have so much pain sorrow and guilt in my heart and its all time consuming
  5. alexman

    alexman Banned Member

    i cant even cook food all i think about is putting my head in the stove and gasing myself so all i eat is potatosallad i just have no energy and i cant go to work whenever i start the car i think to myself if i just sit here in the garage the fumes will knock me out and so i dont have to go to the shitty workplace where everyone alienate me my brain is even so rediculus that hey lets flip the fridge over on you to smash you its fucking retarded how my mind works its like im my own worst enemy it keeps chosen the bad alternatives like not go out and hang with friends or go to a convention. whenever im out walking i just think jump infront of the car they cant stop in time walk on red light when the car has green it will be over you wont feel this heavy stone in your throat just go afterlife really cant be much worse then this constant pain every scar on my arm reminds me why i shouldnt live
  6. alexman

    alexman Banned Member

    ive tried proffesional help but it sucks here they cant help me been trying for 9 years ive been depressed for 11 years now and studies have shown its a great chance to relapse if you have had previous depressions got no firends no life no hobbies no girlfriend about to lose my job for shitty performance shitty grades cant study cant focus have shitty body no endurance no muscles fat no money alienated no connection with my family no future no happiness cant enjoy things i used to enjoy cant take care of my health food hygien etc cant sleep cant get out of bed during the day have assburgers cant talk to people cant be normal.. all i do i leach like a parasite on society trouble my family and annoy people on facebook

  7. alexman

    alexman Banned Member

    @midnightstar :hug: thanks :hug: man :hug: for :hug: caring :hug: about :hug: how :hug: i :hug: feel :hug: much :hug: appreciated
  8. alexman

    alexman Banned Member

    fuck my life
  9. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    pretty sad that no one really says anything here. or to his other threads. this page is all about popularity. tell me it wasnt.
    you all claim to treat everyone equally and no one is left behind, since you would want to be treated the same IRL, yet you still only shower certain people with attention while others get strategically ignored
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 6, 2012
  10. alexman

    alexman Banned Member

  11. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    Hey alex,

    what country do you live in?
  12. alexman

    alexman Banned Member

    sweden why?
  13. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hiya Alex, I feel for your pain, I really do...... I know what it's like to be down at the bottom of a dark pit with no way out.......... if I told you there was a way out for you, I wonder if you'd believe me? I cannot tell you what it is in a 2" screen, but only that if you could start to tell yourself that there IS a positive way out for you, and that your life can turn around - and try pushing the negative thoughts away........ I know how hard that is to do, but that is why SF is such a good place, there are people here to encourage us and listen to us, and to say the truth, that we are still worthwhile people even though we feel so bad.

    You are worth giving yourself more new beginnings Alex - it might seem to be impossible, but I thought mine was too, and that I couldn't do it. However, because we are human, it is always possible to learn new things, new ways of thinking. And this brings with it renewed hope - and when we have hope we have the most important thing, because it is inside that no one can take away from us, even though they might try.

    I know how it is to feel judged, condemned and criticised, rejected and hated. But, it is surviveable. And wisdom can be the result, so in the end it would not have been a waste. It would be so good if you wanted to believe that is true Alex, I hope you can :)
  14. TheRunaway

    TheRunaway Active Member

    I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles, Alexman, but you seem like a strong person. I know it's not necessarily a good thing that you're back, but maybe you'll find support around these parts. :hug: I'm sure there are reasons for you to keep going, but you have to find those reasons, we can't tell you what they are. Maybe it's something simple, like staying around because of a favorite show you'd hate to miss. Or something bigger, like staying around for family. Keep yourself and your mind busy. I know that's easier said than done when you're having these thoughts and depression, but keeping yourself busy will help. I have no doubt nearly everyone on this forum has been in a similar situation as you are experiencing at the moment, and many have come out on top. I've no doubt you can be one of hose people. Change your perspective on life, live for yourself. And if you feel like your life is at a standstill, improve things. Try making yourself the best person you can be, or work on helping others that are on the same road as you, or moving up in your career. You can always change you, despite what life throws at you. I hope you are fine, and realize there are people around here rooting for you. :hug:
  15. alexman

    alexman Banned Member

    thank you, you two really sweet but i cant find anything worth it no tv show no game nothing that would outwheigh the shit that is everyday
  16. alexman

    alexman Banned Member

    so ive been thinking i need to fucking do this and not bitch around so next wednesday 14th i need to fucking kill myself i would appreciate if some people here could peptalk me into it i know im gonna get drunk to make it easier but still kinda hard so please pm me with suggestions on how to push myself to it ive been procrastrating this for about a year by the end of next week i shouldnt be alive wish me good luck
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