Longing For Death

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by -Deception-, Jun 2, 2007.

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  1. -Deception-

    -Deception- Well-Known Member

    I’m a guy, 19 years old and I live in Sweden (small country in Scandinavia). If I would be to estimate the time I’ve been suicidal I’d probably land somewhere around 2 months. It might seem short to some of you (after reading lots of posts on this forum I’ve come to understand that the majority here has suffered from these kinds of thoughts for many years). My problems might seem irrelevant and insignificant compared to those of others, but alas: they are mine and thus the only problems I can truly relate to.

    To begin with, I have a loving family, an amazing job, graduated from high school with straight A’s, am politically active and aware and I am what most people would consider “a smart kid”. When people look at me they see a young, up and coming star. Despite my young age I’ve been student council president, member of several international delegations for various youth projects around Europe, attended the best school in Stockholm and so forth. I have a high profile job for a political national organization.

    As I said, that’s what people see when they look at me. Everyone seems to expect me to be the next prime minister or something. If only they knew. I’m wearing a mask and have been for a long time.

    I have serious problems with myself. I’ve diagnosed myself with the condition BDD (body dysmorphic disorder). It renders me extremely ambivalent when it comes to my relationship with myself. One day I can be content with myself and my thoughts and the way I look. Most days, however, I despise myself and particularly my reflection. I dislike my hair, my cheeks, my arms, my butt, my nose, my ears. I can spend 1 hour in front of the mirror in the morning just fixing small insignificant things in my face and still, after that process, feel that I should stay inside just to spare everyone the sight of me. The thing with BDD, however, is that what I perceive as “the truth” about myself does not correspond with what others perceive. People often compliment my looks; some say I’m cute and some even say I’m hot. This annoys the hell out of me because I’m so convinced I’m ugly as a monster most of the time.

    Moreover, I’ve recently gone through the quite painful process of admitting (not accepting) to myself that I’m gay. I’ve always known, but never admitted it. At first I thought I was bi, seeing how I’ve been in love with several girls during my life, but I know now that they were just “crushes”. My eyes identified a beautiful girl and subsequently found her attractive. Nothing more. Sexually, though, I’ve only ever been attracted to guys. Never having admitted it to myself I have of course never even thought about approaching the guys I’ve been interested in. My way of dealing with this situation and my insecurity has been to keep away from all forms of love and relationships. I’m thus very inexperienced when it comes to showing affection and love. I’ve had no practice. Right now I can’t even imagine having a relationship with a guy, because part of me I think still doesn’t want to accept that I’m gay. The icing on the cake is that my BDD makes it ever MORE difficult to think of a relationship, because I hate the way I look and how am I supposed to share a bed with someone who gets to see my face without me having a chance to “fix” it first? The thought of someone seeing the real me scares the shit out of me.

    Furthermore, I really hate this world. Being politically aware has rendered me a bitter, sarcastic cynic. Everywhere I turn I see environmental disasters and human misery. I hate mankind for what it’s doing to this world, yet I belong to what in America you would call the republican party. Very odd, I know. My party only speaks about corporations and the importance of low taxes. I start to think that my political career thus far has been one big lie: I claim I’m conservative yet I don’t like, nor trust humans at all. On a philosophical level, I can’t help but think that this world is just one big lie. It’s pointless. There is no God. There is no purpose in life, there is no good in mankind. I take a brief look at the world and settle facts: there is no hope. We’re beasts cloaked in the hames of civilized creatures.

    Another of my problems is that I’m not entirely “caucasian”. I’m a mix, one parent being white and the other, black. And frankly, it’s as they say: mixed children do suffer from identity crises. Everyone labels and categorizes to make living easier, and I am no exception. Am I white or am I black? Truth be told: I wish more than anything to rid myself of my black half, the half that makes me look so different from my friends and from the people I’m attracted to. I hate belonging to a minority. I hate it. I want to be 100% white. End of story. Yet here I am, brown. Most people find it exotic and mulatto children are often perceived as beautiful, but I cannot see wherein the beauty lies.

    And I think to myself: my life will be one big OBSTACLE. Being gay AND coloured! Can it get any more messed up? I’m not just belonging to one minority, the coloured minority, but also to the gay minority. I can see the ominous clouds of public hatred and discrimination speeding in my direction.

    This is what triggered my suicidal thoughts two months ago. The sudden realization that all my life I’ve gotten away easy because I’m smart and eloquent and people are impressed with me and my skills. But the moment they focus on my persona, the moment I remove the mask, the moment I am MYSELF, they will see either a black person or a gay person. And no matter how much I try, these two factors will hinder me from reaching my goals. I’ve even heard there’s a lot of racial discrimination within the gay community. Of course it would be naïve to assume that just because they’re gay they would be free from racial prejudice.

    I hate being black. I hate being gay. I hate being human. I hate the pointlessness of life. The insignificant toils and equally worthless strifes of everyday life. And for each passing day I find myself more and more emotionally numb. I’ve always been pretty “cold” (no mood swings, seldom get upset, seldom care about the troubles of others), but now I feel I’m dying inside and I’m dying fast. Darkness envelops me and I find it increasingly harder to motivate myself to even get up in the morning. The prospects of a loveless life and a meaningless human existence just kills me.

    Against all this, there is little I can do to convince myself that I shouldn’t end it all in the near future. I’ve already ordered the pills I’m going to OD on from an internet pharmacy. I’ve done some meticulous researching on the web and trust me, I won’t live to tell about my “attempt” as this is some pretty strong medication. Right now they’re hidden away in the basement, just waiting for me to take that final step.

    I feel guilty about everything I’m leaving behind though, everything I haven’t completed. I'm failing all the expectations and the hopes people have placed in me. And my job isn’t one you just “quit” because so much there depends on me. But I don’t have the energy. Uh, I’m stuck and want to get out. The grief and shock that will strike everyone, especially my mom, makes me cringe. These kinds of thoughts have kept me awake the last few nights, I can't get over it. If I stay alive it will be because of guilt.

    This might be classified as a cry for help, or as a rant, or just as a very disorganized, confused and wordy attempt at trying to say something. Whatever it is, I’d appreciate some thoughts.
  2. Dudly

    Dudly Well-Known Member

    Hey, read your post, thought Id comment. Your very good with words. If something makes you feel suicidal then it is not insignificant or irrelevant. Admitting you are gay is just the first step. Accepting is the next. I went through denial but it was short lived, only a couple years. But its a great feeling, being in love. I think you might change your mind on ending your life. I dunno if this helps but I hope it does.
  3. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    Echoing what you said...The similarities truly are incredibly eerie.

    What can I say...The mask requires too much energy in order to hold up constantly. That's all too understandable.

    Diagnosing yourself may not be a good idea. A professional diagnosis is much preferred and they have the resources to help you with it as well, along with any identity issues you have.

    What they can't help you with, I find, is our own philosophically pessimistic outlook on the world. These people are trained in the discipline of psychology, not necessarily politics, religion, philosophy, and/or ethics. Sadly, it's these issues that seem to make any mental illness or identity crises irrelevant. I don't believe it's justified to give up if you haven't even tried yet. Many people share your cynical views of our world, with good reason too. However, many live with them regardless. Sometimes it's the mental issues that tip the balance between being a mere cynic and being suicidal and furthermore justifying it with pessimistic ideas.

    Take care. Private message will follow.
  4. Lifesucks

    Lifesucks New Member

    FUCK life .....i'm 13 turning 14 next month....girls r fucking bitches 2 me now .....this girl invites me to mexico n i go with her only to see her fuck a million guys with big cocks......she says mine is fucking smalll....i hate life....everyone else is out doing shit but not me....i want to just kill myself n end my existence permanently.....but i don't want to have 2 suffer during or after m death...i just want it to all end....i go anywhere n noone gives a shit about me.....fucking god making the world like this.......it's total bullshit....
  5. Dudly

    Dudly Well-Known Member

    Hi. Read your post, thought Id reply. Your very good with words. Your problems are never insignificant or irrelevant if they make you feel suicidal. Admitting is the first step, accepting is the next. It didnt take me long, only a couple years. But its great feeling, love. You might change your mind on ending your life. As for your other problems I cant say much. Wish I could give you support there but I never had much for brains. Maybe if you find something to out wiegh your pain, you can pull through?
  6. Dudly

    Dudly Well-Known Member

    Augh, thought the first reply didnt get through...
  7. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    I have a sister less than two years younger than you. Somewhat surprising to think that kids can be exposed to so much nowadays.

    This girl doesn't seem to be a positive influence on you and your situation.
  8. -Deception-

    -Deception- Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the words of comfort. I'm sitting here browsing old suicide threads. It was one of those days today where I just couldn't bring myself to wear the mask, so I phoned in sick and thus I'm spared work today.

    It's true that I haven't really tried living. I haven't made an effort. I've just assessed the problems that are likely to be mine in the future and then simply resigned in complete and total lack of spirit. But life lacks meaning, and thus my future struggles against prejudice, against norms, against human nature and against myself will be in vain.

    I feel so utterly dejected. I bought some over-the-counter anti-depressants a few days ago, hoping to feel at least a little bit better, but to no avail. Each passing day brings me deeper and deeper into what I think is a serious depression. Confronted with everything I will resign. I won't hold on. I'll just let go and fall into the nothingness that awaits me.

    It'll have to happen soon. I don't have much time, since if I go on living, if I make it past the summer, I'll inevitably be trapped in this life until the end of next spring, since that it what my work demands. I still have a chance to escape now, before my commission/term of office really begins. I can't just leave in the middle of a term though, that would be too irresponsible and irrational and affect so many of my colleagues' work badly.

    Lately I've also been pondering back and forth the somewhat odd scenario of me surviving the suicide attempt. If I try to kill myself this July, I have to make sure that if I survive (which is likely when trying to OD for the first time) I have to have some time to recover, to do the mandatory pshychiatric/mental routines, spend a few weeks at the hospital and so forth, but it all has to happen before the 1st of August since that's when I have to be back at work. Is this insane, or just very rational? You tell me.
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