I’m a guy, 19 years old and I live in Sweden (small country in Scandinavia). If I would be to estimate the time I’ve been suicidal I’d probably land somewhere around 2 months. It might seem short to some of you (after reading lots of posts on this forum I’ve come to understand that the majority here has suffered from these kinds of thoughts for many years). My problems might seem irrelevant and insignificant compared to those of others, but alas: they are mine and thus the only problems I can truly relate to. To begin with, I have a loving family, an amazing job, graduated from high school with straight A’s, am politically active and aware and I am what most people would consider “a smart kid”. When people look at me they see a young, up and coming star. Despite my young age I’ve been student council president, member of several international delegations for various youth projects around Europe, attended the best school in Stockholm and so forth. I have a high profile job for a political national organization. As I said, that’s what people see when they look at me. Everyone seems to expect me to be the next prime minister or something. If only they knew. I’m wearing a mask and have been for a long time. I have serious problems with myself. I’ve diagnosed myself with the condition BDD (body dysmorphic disorder). It renders me extremely ambivalent when it comes to my relationship with myself. One day I can be content with myself and my thoughts and the way I look. Most days, however, I despise myself and particularly my reflection. I dislike my hair, my cheeks, my arms, my butt, my nose, my ears. I can spend 1 hour in front of the mirror in the morning just fixing small insignificant things in my face and still, after that process, feel that I should stay inside just to spare everyone the sight of me. The thing with BDD, however, is that what I perceive as “the truth” about myself does not correspond with what others perceive. People often compliment my looks; some say I’m cute and some even say I’m hot. This annoys the hell out of me because I’m so convinced I’m ugly as a monster most of the time. Moreover, I’ve recently gone through the quite painful process of admitting (not accepting) to myself that I’m gay. I’ve always known, but never admitted it. At first I thought I was bi, seeing how I’ve been in love with several girls during my life, but I know now that they were just “crushes”. My eyes identified a beautiful girl and subsequently found her attractive. Nothing more. Sexually, though, I’ve only ever been attracted to guys. Never having admitted it to myself I have of course never even thought about approaching the guys I’ve been interested in. My way of dealing with this situation and my insecurity has been to keep away from all forms of love and relationships. I’m thus very inexperienced when it comes to showing affection and love. I’ve had no practice. Right now I can’t even imagine having a relationship with a guy, because part of me I think still doesn’t want to accept that I’m gay. The icing on the cake is that my BDD makes it ever MORE difficult to think of a relationship, because I hate the way I look and how am I supposed to share a bed with someone who gets to see my face without me having a chance to “fix” it first? The thought of someone seeing the real me scares the shit out of me. Furthermore, I really hate this world. Being politically aware has rendered me a bitter, sarcastic cynic. Everywhere I turn I see environmental disasters and human misery. I hate mankind for what it’s doing to this world, yet I belong to what in America you would call the republican party. Very odd, I know. My party only speaks about corporations and the importance of low taxes. I start to think that my political career thus far has been one big lie: I claim I’m conservative yet I don’t like, nor trust humans at all. On a philosophical level, I can’t help but think that this world is just one big lie. It’s pointless. There is no God. There is no purpose in life, there is no good in mankind. I take a brief look at the world and settle facts: there is no hope. We’re beasts cloaked in the hames of civilized creatures. Another of my problems is that I’m not entirely “caucasian”. I’m a mix, one parent being white and the other, black. And frankly, it’s as they say: mixed children do suffer from identity crises. Everyone labels and categorizes to make living easier, and I am no exception. Am I white or am I black? Truth be told: I wish more than anything to rid myself of my black half, the half that makes me look so different from my friends and from the people I’m attracted to. I hate belonging to a minority. I hate it. I want to be 100% white. End of story. Yet here I am, brown. Most people find it exotic and mulatto children are often perceived as beautiful, but I cannot see wherein the beauty lies. And I think to myself: my life will be one big OBSTACLE. Being gay AND coloured! Can it get any more messed up? I’m not just belonging to one minority, the coloured minority, but also to the gay minority. I can see the ominous clouds of public hatred and discrimination speeding in my direction. This is what triggered my suicidal thoughts two months ago. The sudden realization that all my life I’ve gotten away easy because I’m smart and eloquent and people are impressed with me and my skills. But the moment they focus on my persona, the moment I remove the mask, the moment I am MYSELF, they will see either a black person or a gay person. And no matter how much I try, these two factors will hinder me from reaching my goals. I’ve even heard there’s a lot of racial discrimination within the gay community. Of course it would be naïve to assume that just because they’re gay they would be free from racial prejudice. I hate being black. I hate being gay. I hate being human. I hate the pointlessness of life. The insignificant toils and equally worthless strifes of everyday life. And for each passing day I find myself more and more emotionally numb. I’ve always been pretty “cold” (no mood swings, seldom get upset, seldom care about the troubles of others), but now I feel I’m dying inside and I’m dying fast. Darkness envelops me and I find it increasingly harder to motivate myself to even get up in the morning. The prospects of a loveless life and a meaningless human existence just kills me. Against all this, there is little I can do to convince myself that I shouldn’t end it all in the near future. I’ve already ordered the pills I’m going to OD on from an internet pharmacy. I’ve done some meticulous researching on the web and trust me, I won’t live to tell about my “attempt” as this is some pretty strong medication. Right now they’re hidden away in the basement, just waiting for me to take that final step. I feel guilty about everything I’m leaving behind though, everything I haven’t completed. I'm failing all the expectations and the hopes people have placed in me. And my job isn’t one you just “quit” because so much there depends on me. But I don’t have the energy. Uh, I’m stuck and want to get out. The grief and shock that will strike everyone, especially my mom, makes me cringe. These kinds of thoughts have kept me awake the last few nights, I can't get over it. If I stay alive it will be because of guilt. This might be classified as a cry for help, or as a rant, or just as a very disorganized, confused and wordy attempt at trying to say something. Whatever it is, I’d appreciate some thoughts.