So I survived my attempt of 2 weeks ago and I'm back in this sorry prison cell of life where the thought of hurting my close family keeps me from escaping. Every time I go to sleep I wish that I would never wake up. Current plan is to wait it out till my mum passes away without forming any more dependent relationships so that I can then find the deliverance I crave without destroying anyone else's life in the process. This could well be 2 or 3 decades. Taken one day at a time, trying to pretend that I'm glad to be alive to save other people's feelings, always looking back to this year and regretting where it all went wrong. I don't know if I can make it, but I don't know if I can make the escape either. I have no idea where I'm going any more. I just know I don't want to be here. Not looking for sympathy or advice, I get plenty of that. This is just a chance to be open and honest about what I'm feeling, which is increasingly rare these days.