Looking Back before The End

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by thingsaregonnachange, Mar 13, 2012.

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  1. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    I've set my date for 4 and a half months from now (a few months before I turn 28 years old)

    I'm finishing some of my responsibilities and I'm sort of going into a flashback mode, remembering the people, the good moments, etc.

    The letter to my mother is focusing on that. I want her to look on the bright side and remember the 28 good years we had together.

    I was fortunate enough to have a happy childhood, from around 14 forward that things started getting tough.

    From my early 20's to today it became hell, though. Nothing happens in my life, personally, professionally, I'm stuck with irreversible unemployment, zero opportunities and loneliness.

    I believe in what the Tibetans say that you must die in peace, so my chosen method and preparations reflect that.

    I think that it's important to do it very consciously and peacefully, not by momentary impulses.

    So I'm savoring every moment and enjoying the wonders of the world before my time comes.

    This will probably be my last post here, so I wish the best to all of you. The world is cruel, but never ceases to be beautiful and mysterious. Peace to all.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 13, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your mother will not be looking on any bright side when you leave she will be left in darkness and in pain so i do hope you find the support you need to get well for YOU and her hugs
  3. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Listen to me because I don't speak from speculation and I don't speak from things that I have heard. I know only TRUTHS. The truths I know are that my son committed suicide. Now he is gone. There will be NO BRIGHT SIDE of anything for your mom to look at. Your mom will know only 24 hours a day of misery. She will know pain and suffering. She will have nightmares that will haunt her. She will have great heartache and sadness. The things that once made her smile will do so no more. Her hobbies and her interests will hold no more meaning. Holidays will be the worst. Every moment of every day and night shall be empty.

    These are truths that I say because this is how I have been left.

    Love your mother, your friends, and your family by staying here with them.
  4. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    I understand this and I am quite aware, but I simply cannot be a living zombie just to avoid causing her suffering.

    Even in my wildest dreams my life wouldn't be as bad as it is today (aside from sickness, extreme poverty, etc).

    I'm in a position in which I have nowhere to run to. Nowhere to make new friends and contacts, no one to help me get a job in my field, I'm completely isolated and hopeless. I essentially spend all day at home in bed fantasizing about another reality and what things might have been.

    Even though I'm an atheist I'm even starting to fantasize about some idyllic afterlife, even though I'm sure there isn't one.

    I'm even avoiding dating because my self-esteem is completely shattered from loneliness and unemployment. Not to mention I'm afraid of letting someone into my life only to commit suicide 6 months later.

    You might call it pride, but I studied and prepared myself too damn much to be the failure of the family. And all of this has had a profound effect on my psyche, and I don't think I can recover anymore.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 17, 2012
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hey things(A/G/C) - I hope you won't think I'm a know-it-all - BUT your thinking you cannot recover is a place I know all too well. From experience, and also trying to do what you're planning. (And being rescued). I could tell my story of how I know it was THP that rescued me, but it's a bit full on so will have to wait until I know I'm trusted. (THP = The Higher Power)

    What I can ask and beg and plead with you to do is not to make a permanent decision about a temporary condition. You may want to argue that your condition is not temporary - but you are only 28 years old and have a good 40 years left not to throw away and to discover ALL there is that can help you out of your current pit.

    I promise you, I did not think there would be ANY WAY I could get out of mine - NONE WHATSOEVER.......... but here I am and can only say with 100% sincerity I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo grateful to THP and the beauty and the mystery of existence. There is cruelty too of course, but I have more of an understanding about that now.

    You come across as a deep thinker and wanting things to be better. That is awesome. I promise you, I will never judge you for your decisions, I will not tell you what to believe - I just want to share my story and certain belief that Hope is not a lie. Blessings and strength, :reub:

    ps - can any1 tell me what "reub" means? I used this icon cos it looks like someone working out to be strong
  6. b-rock

    b-rock Well-Known Member

    Failure? Your not a failure. Life isn't about winning or losing. It is not a competition. Life is about living it. Maybe your not where you thought you would be, so what? Things can always change and they do. You are already worth something. Who cares what others think or what you may think they think. Please reconsider. You are still so young. there are so many tings you haven't seen or experienced. It sounds cliche, but it is true that it is never too late. People care about you, let them care about you. Need to talk just pm me. Stay strong.
  7. rv498

    rv498 Well-Known Member

    I feel u. But u see I'm 39 and u are still in your 20s. When I was ur age, I wanted to end too but God didn't let me. We all die eventually so try to find enjoyment in little things. U don't have a job well u have a lot of company in this country. Just take it slow. Who cares what others think. As long as u have a home, a family, ur mom, and a tv, I say u are a rich man. Hold ur head up boy. Life just started for ya
  8. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    I've been in this situation for around 10 years, but before the unemployment wasn't an issue. (I had my last steady job almost 3 years ago)

    I kept expecting things to sort of fall together and my life to truly "begin" but nothing comes.

    I never expected big thrills or pleasures, I'm anything but a hedonist. I just wanted to have my little place in the world and a means to work in my chosen profession, find a sweet and kind girl and have a family someday.

    Today all I can think of is reuniting with the Universe and ending the illusion that is the self.
  9. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi again things :smile:

    I see such promise in what you write, I really do.... I'm not a raving optimist, not "out-to-lunch"...... I can relate to what you write because that's what I thought too, about my life. I thought I had it all under control and that it was successful, and going a certain way, and then....... :oops: :poo: :booboo: it all turned to custard.

    It's great what you write in the last line there........ how about discovering that the Universe would like to unite with you, and that with all your free time (from the unemployment) you can turn it around and use it to find and know your Real Self?

    Does that sound too "out-to-lunch"........ I promise you, it's a journey waiting to begin :plane:
  10. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    I've done that, to a certain extent.

    I've been suffering from deep depression for about 6 years, and in this period I discovered Buddhism and it had a profound change on me.

    But unfortunately we humans live in society and under its rules, and I just can't endure being some kind of pariah even though I did everything by the book.
  11. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Well things - welcome to the club of those who try to do everything the best they know how - but it still all turns to custard...... You can call me Mrs. Pariah - there is so much I owe that could never ever be repaid. What happens to us in life come as lessons. We cannot see it at the time and often react badly to them, but while we are here, we can learn to move on. It takes some knowing how to move on, but this can be found, as you have already discovered.

    I totally understand about having to still live in the society and abide by its rules.......but there is so much more still to discover, and society - let's face it - hasn't got the answers. That does not mean there aren't any - even for hurting and broken people like us.

    Jesus Christ said: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven". What did he mean? how can it be blessed to feel so 'poor in spirit'? When people make a start on the search for something, it's because they are aware of loss - of a lack - their joie de vivre etc. - something very wrong, or beginning to go wrong........... this makes us feel poor inside, and so we start to look around. Society (out there) - the society that can cope and produce and be happy - functions on rules that are superficial and based on appearances. As long as appearances appear to be all together, everything is assumed to be fine.

    But there is another, deeper, level to life, and when we plug into it, that is where the energy comes from to find the deeper meaning and our place in it. And the good news is that we do not find it by doing everything "by the book" even by "The Book" (Bible) - if we do everything right we can still end up wrong! (Paradox, I know, but it turns ppl into Pharisees - if that makes any sense?) I think that is what Jesus meant - us trying to do things right (and fit into society and its rules) can leave us feeling very empty and inauthentic. So you've discovered the best place to be, really.......... and that is why I can see such promise in what you write. Blesings and strength:reub:
  12. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the thoughtful reply ur, everything you mentioned about Jesus is usually mentioned by the Buddha and other buddhist teachers in a similar fashion.

    One of my favorite buddhist lessons is: "no one comes to Buddhism except through suffering". Or as Victor Hugo said, “It is by suffering that human beings become angels.”

    I have been trying over these last few years to get in touch with the deeper aspects of existence, specially since I chose to work in the arts, so emotions are my territory.

    But the day-to-day life is very hard to manage, and the unemployment and supposed "failure" only feeds into my isolation, because I feel ashamed and scared of people realizing it.

    If at least my professional life was on track (I don't even mean extreme success, just being on the path at least) I suppose I could handle all the personal problems.
  13. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Understand, things :sigh: But finding this site and having people who can listen, and hear you, hopefully will help you to offload - even if the negative emotions keep coming back - there are ways that can be discovered to deal with them.

    Your chosen field may be shut up to you right now..... having one non-functioning part does not mean that everything else has to stop because of it. There are other options, and the first one is always an empowering question: Is what I am telling myself the truth about my situation, or am I letting my feelings take over here?

    I'm not pretending I'm a therapist, lol! but the therapist I found who helped me get back on track is this guy: www.livingwisdom.co.nz

    He does telephone counselling too - as well as the resources on his website. The first school I did in 2000 sowed the seeds that had been missing, provided the first rung on the ladder out of my pit, etc. i'd also recommend another thing you could try is: "Telling Yourself the Truth" by William Backus - that explains 'Mis-belief Therapy'.....

    Someone said "All religions point to the moon, they are not the moon itself" - maybe that was the Buddha, have a feeling it might be. However, committing one's powers to telling oneself the truth always, brings us in line with J.C's "The Truth shall set you free". In my own case, this has meant freedom from the self-crippling concept I held to be true about my own reality. Blessings and strength :reub:
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