Looking Back

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by ZakPup, Feb 5, 2008.

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  1. ZakPup

    ZakPup Well-Known Member

    Don't know if i posted in the right section or not but whatever lol ^^. This is from a journal entry i wrote a few weeks ago. Its for my therapist, helps me talk in her sessions.

    I guess I feel the need to question my past motives for attempting suicide... Was it really because I wanted to die, or was it some other reason. I mean if I really wanted to die I would of chosen some fool-proof way or would of tried way harder, like try to keep better control of the car or better knots or rope. Or was it for attention?

    I mean why do i feel desperately alone even when there are people around? Was it just a cry for someone to notice me? Sure I might of said I wanted to die at that time, but the scars on my arm tell a different story. I mean like that one time I tried hanging myself, but got rope that wasn't thick enough, but it snapped and left me unconscious for minutes. And that brings up the question of why with all these times I've tried, why do some people succeed with one try? Why, when I want to die so bad do they get it with their first. Did I like miss the class for that or what? lol

    I mean I mostly notice that when I have these urges I always feel desperately alone and depressed out of my mind. So mostly my guess would be for attention no matter how short lived it is. What makes it worse is being cramped up in the house all day doing nothing at all except be on the computer, watch tv, and read. I mean it was cool at first but now its getting to me. But its hard to do something when you have no money or a job but oh well.

    Plus another thing is i don't have a very positive self image i guess, and probably doesn't help with suicidal feelings. I mean who could love someone thats overweight, has a nasty skin condition, harrier than a fuckin monkey, ugly as hell, and has a very special ability to make people feel like shit. Sounds like the worlds biggest looser here. If its not for the attention it would certainly have to be that.

    One more thing that doesn't help is having a romantic view of suicide, mostly from reading those old tragedies like Romeo & Juliet and stuff like that. If i had like tons of money I would want to go out like one of those plays, all majestic like. *sigh* but oh well never will happen
  2. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    As someone who feels exactly the same about self image etc what people have said to me it is what is on the inside that counts.

    For me, doesn't offer a lot when I feel as though I am cracking up as I am not the person I used to be (outgoing, outspoken and fun to be around). I am not me anymore. I suppose underneath it all I am there somewhere. Think of your good points.
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