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Looking but not believing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BillB, Oct 28, 2006.

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  1. BillB

    BillB Guest

    Hi. I'm looking to commit suicide. Not tonight, but sometime over next few weeks, as I need to get some things sorted first.

    I made a series of 3 attempts 10 years ago, I did some therapy and "got better". I did some counselling 5 years ago and have started again last month. I've started anti-depressants again, and they allow me to be functioning, but they haven't changed my core feelings.

    My feelings are mixed. Partly I'm in anguish, partly I'm liberated, partly I'm consumed with guilt, partly I've just run out of energy. But through all of this, most of all I just want peace.

    My counsellor is doing a great job of making me think about options. But I'm just not interested in going on. I think I've just run out of life and the will to live. An analogy maybe is (although I'm 46) when someone retires, and within weeks they've gone.

    I don't have any strength left and I'm trying to make my final weeks happy for my partner.

    I know this forum is pro-life, so worth asking the question. What reasons are there to go on? Does there just come a time when it's time to go?

  2. joeysephine

    joeysephine Well-Known Member

    reasons to go on is that you dont know whats going to happen in the future, and im sure that you would really want to know deep down, like whats going to happen with your family, whos going to get married next, whos going to have a baby next, for me a family or friend thing like that is the best in the world, wouldnt you like to see it?
  3. BillB

    BillB Guest

    Hi & thanks for the reply. I understand and appreciate the sentiment.

    But that's what people said last for a "normal" reasontime. I wasn't motivated then, but somehow I got things "back together" and have had lots of positive experiences in the 10 years since, with positive relationships.

    Does that now make a difference to me, having had the benefit of that? Frankly, no. I don't regret it and I'm grateful to have experienced it. But now, it's all one big deja vu, and I can absolutely positively say that it doesn't make a difference.

    I can't distinguish between accidentally dying for a "normal" reason, and getting on with it and getting it done. The consequences are exactly the same afterwards. People's feelings may be different, but nothing factual will have changed.

  4. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    The difference between an 'accident' and a suicide attepmt is that with the suicide attempt people are going to continually ask Why. Why did this happen? Whose fault was it? Was there something I could do to stop him? And people will feel guilty. They will blame themself for your death because they didnt stop you. You might say there is nothing they could do but there will always be that "what if" factor. Your family love you and need you in your life. Whats made it so bad that you cant look forward to your future?
  5. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    There are always reasons to go on hun......when depression takes hold it makes your site of life and interests and judgement...very foggy...maybe try and keep taking your anti-depressants and maybe see if they can up the dose and combine another with it...I am on 2 different anti-depressants and for the first 2 months I didn't notice a difference then...the depression slowly lessened.....but it doesn't take it all away though...you need therapy and maybe a day program that area mental health has...you must go to appointments, take your meds, try and correct your thinking when you think something negative, try and grasp the logic along with it too, and say for example "I missed my appointment, I won't be able to get another one for a few weeks, I am stupid and worthless" then say hey wait...this isn't true, people make mistakes....I'll just have to make another ne...

    You have to keep busy...try hobbies, friends...search your soul and find out what you like and what you'd like to try in life...things you'd always thought was cool or you'd always wanted to try, and when you keep busy, and do your program good, treat yourself....keep possitive, keep reminding yourself to be and just like the negative things we have automatically thought as life went on....brainwashes us that...we're stupid, worthless, can't do things right, might as well give up and so on...we heard those things and thought them so many times it's automatic...snap...negative..and it makes you feel bad and worse then before and the negativity just grabs you along with the depression.....

    There are reasons to live.....you can get with your therapist and find out together once your stablized what you like, what you want.....and ect....

    If you EVER need to talk...please know I am always here for you no matter what, ok sweetie? take care and I am here for you........PM me or my MSN: painNsiolence@hotmail.com and my Yahoo: tha_cross_woman@yahoo.com

    Sending you some hugs too! :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :handinhan

    ~With love and care,
  6. BillB

    BillB Guest


    Bad day today and I've finally decided the method and the date.

    Just need to finish preparations, and confirm my decision.

  7. IReallyTried

    IReallyTried Member

    You sound quite determined. I'm not sure if anyone can persuade you otherwise, but I do make one plea. Make peace with everyone you love. Tell your partner and your family than you love them more than anything (even if you don't). Try to cushion the blow as much as possible. It will be like no other thing that has ever pained your loved ones. They will never recover. I'm not trying to guilt you to stop, just try to be considerate.
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