looking for a reason.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by EisNayk, Jun 14, 2012.

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  1. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    at the moment I am looking for a reason to want to live. so far nothing I used to do that made me happy works anymore mainly because the empty hole in my heart and it seems to only get bigger every day. I feel a pain in my chest all the time at times it is so bad I curl up into a ball and cry. all this was triggered after my recent breakup. a girl i met in high school my very first love and was with her for seven years and one day she left me for another guy. this completely destroyed me emotional and physically I used to be pretty smart but now I have trouble concentrating or even going through normal everyday tasks and when you have been with only one person in your life for such a long time everything around does nothing but trigger painful memories and causes real physical shocks of pain you can feel. so far I have lost the will to live and even forget to eat even worse even if I remember I just do not feel like eating and most the time just do not. so at this point I feel like eventually I will die from lack of eating and starve over time. been looking for something to make me happy but nothing really works. I have been all over the internet and have tried pretty much every coping method I could find and also know that people normally die when coping methods < pain you feel. which is pretty much where I am now. but mostly I just sleep a lot and just do not eat.

    on a side note seeing as I still have a few months before my like of nutrition actually kills me everyone should concentrate on this post looks like she only has about six minutes left. http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?116184-Todays-the-day
     
  2. yep

    yep Well-Known Member

    When people feel depressed they go through the same path, they find it difficult to eat, and sleep a lot, this is a normal reaction to not finding a solution to a problem. Have you accepted that she is not for you? I am sure you wouldn't leave a girlfriend of 7 years so it seems she was not that good after all, did you love her as much as thinking of marrying her? Well, if so she did a big favour to you by leaving you and saving you a lot of suffering for you and even your children. Now is time for you to recover, I am not asking you to "try" to eat, I am telling you you must eat, I dont care if you feel like eating or not. If you want to give yourself a chance to survive this temporal crisis then treat your body with respect and eat, so you body including your broken heart will recover more easily.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 14, 2012
  3. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    it has been like six months and the pain is unbearable at this point my lack of not wanting to eat no longer bothers me. for the pain in my chest is what keeps me from wanting to live. I figure even if I start to starve it takes a really long time for someone to die from that so I guess I am leaving things up to chance I still go out and hang out with friends and stuff even though I am in pain lot of my friends know I am feeling suicidal but I wear baggy clothes to hide the fact I am getting really skinny and loosing weight and starting to look unhealthy. in all honesty if the next few months stay the same hell as before then I am not sure if I can really withstand the torture. and she was my fiance. also since it will take months and I am still going out with friends I am hoping I will find something I will want to live for before things get too bad.
     
  4. ellorian

    ellorian Well-Known Member

    You explained that you have looked for coping mechanisms and tried those you have found but there are always more out there. Also I am wondering if you have done any reading about grief? That is (I think) what you are doing right now. We grieve for losses that are not just through death and she meant (and means) a lot to you. There is nothing I can say that will force you to eat but the previous poster is right that if you want to recover you need to eat. Without at least moderate nutrition our emotions are negatively affected. Without good nutrition our bodies and minds are starved of sustenance and we feel even worse. If, as you seem, you have dEcided to fight this depression and live then I definitely recommend fixing you nutrition. You deserve to heal.
     
  5. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    day 2 still unwilling to eat. if I can not find a reason to want to live in around 30 days or so I guess that would be it for me.
     
  6. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    day 3 still have not eaten but did consume some beer and alcohol.
     
  7. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    Day 4 the more I have to think about my life overall not just my relationship issue the less I want to turn back from starvation.
     
  8. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    Go to a strip club. That's what I would do.
     
  9. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    may I ask what do you do in a strip club?
     
  10. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    not interested in strip clubs never have been really.
     
  11. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni


    Depressants.
     
  12. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    day 5 will be writing out most of the full story of some of the relationship items that made me the way I am now some people keep asking about it so I will put it down for all to see instead of retelling it multiple times.
     
  13. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    It was at a mutual friends birthday party that we met for the first time. It was when we all started to sit down for a movie everyone started sitting on the couch and when those seats ran out we sat in front of the couch leaning back I happen to be sitting on the couch and she happened to sit down in front of me. At this time I did not even know her name and she had on this ridiculous pink fluffy hat. Randomly she put up her hand while facing forward she must have been stretching or something being the goof ball that I was I double high fived her. She turned and looked at me and smiled and I smiled back because I was just being goofy. She would put up her hands once in a while and I would do the same thing eventually after doing this it started to turn into a memorization game. 3 taps right hand 2 taps left and you would just keep the chain going adding one of your own at the end of each persons turn all this with out a single word being spoken not even knowing each others name playing games as if we had always been friends. After the movie was over we started talking and we introduced ourselves to each other. Exchanged phone numbers and all that and we became friends. After about 8 months of becoming extremely close friends she one day unexpectedly kissed me when we was both alone. At this time I was not interested in dating because I had seen many friends go through relationships like the changing of the weather I was not going to do that when I dated someone I wanted to be sure I actually loved them and would put a great amount of effort into the relationship as I would hope they would. So she kissed me and asked me out and I turned her down. About a week later she did it again and I turned her down again. This happened about seven times until one day we was at the pool and she asked me out again right after she kissed me. This was the first time she did this in public and so my reply is I just kissed her back no words just a kiss in return. She then had to ask if that meant yes or not and I just replied yes it means yes. I decided to accept her because she was only asking me out and doing on a pretty steady basis not giving up. From their we became even closer and closer for 6 years after that then on the 7th year things just started not working out as well even though I gave a lot of effort into trying to hold everything together and now 6 months after the end of the relationship I am starving myself to death because I have lost the one thing that meant everything to me. And because of this beginning of how we started you could never have started a relationship better or with such great romantic significance as this so no matter what even if someone else comes along I have realized compared to her they will only be second best and I could never do that to someone else. Knowing that I love another and be with someone else just does not feel right and I can never be happy now that she has left me. So this is where I am at a stand still and out of options.
     
  14. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    today is day 6 of starving myself to death.
     
  15. letmego3

    letmego3 Well-Known Member

    i can understand how you feel because just the way the relationship started and then developed you thought this was the one for you. But relationships like this break up all the time even after 20 years of being married people break up and get divorced stuff like this happens but some people then end up finding another relationship later on in life and maybe even go on to get married. Things can change for you, you will meet new people throughout life and find another relationship just as meaningful. You have to believe and have hope that someday you will meet someone else. For some it may take several relationships to find the right one. But you will eventually get there. At the moment you are struggling to cope with this relationship and i believe you need some help to find other coping methods other than starving yourself which is extreme. i hope you can find your inner strength to pull through this emotional turmoil and go get something to eat.
     
  16. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    the fact is I no longer trust anyone any more. also I am pretty sure I have lost any capacity to love as well. so for me it is simple I can no longer strive for my dream so my time is up I no longer need to be for there is nothing I need anymore.
     
  17. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni


    Starving is a painful and long drawn out ordeal - many of the poor in third world countries live that misery every day yet struggle to survive it. Other people, hence a need to trust others, is really not vital as long as we trust ourselves. I am affected only by "me," and not by the people who surround me. The lack of nourishment and the addition of a depressant (alcohol) can put you into a different state of mind. Twinkle (above) made some good points. I realize it's difficult and it feels hopeless... but it is also true that time heals all wounds. Some wounds can never heal, of course, but the pain can become more tolerable.
     
  18. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    well we will see if I give in to survival and do not really want to die or if I truly have lost all hope and hit game over. I choose this method because it will prove to myself whether my resolve to die is stronger than my will to survive.
     
  19. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    day 7 still the pain of starving is a tickle compared to the pain I feel from my broken heart.
     
  20. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    day 8 starting to feel some effects like feeling a little sick but other than that feel ok for the most part.
     
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