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Looking for advice, or answers, something

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by vanish, Sep 8, 2010.

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  1. vanish

    vanish Member

    Hello, this is my first post and i joined this forum many 30 minutes ago because ive been suicidal all summer and im running out of places/ people to go to for help.
    Some background about me, im a 21 guy in college. All my life ive had suicidal issues, when i was 6 and 12 i saw a therapist, but eventually got over it myself. But this last time it got really bad while i was away for school. I had been dating the same girl since i graduated high school (2 1/2 years) would have been 3 years in 20 days, you could say she was my first real love, we had plans for our future together and have talked seriously about marriage, needless to say i was very happy with our relationship. But while i was away i became extremely introverted and cynical about everything, my depression got really bad. I eventually pushed her away to the point where we would talk maybe once a week. When i was about to come home for the summer i got excited because i would be able to actually see her vs over the phone and convinced myself that it would make things better. Well i had found out once i got home that she had gotten drunk and had sex with another guy. A mutual friend had to be the one to tell me because she couldnt stop crying to tell me the truth. I was heart broken, and after a few weeks i decided that i wanted to try and work it out with her and see if i could get past it. Well she didn't think it would work, she constantly kept saying she would never be able to forgive herself. She then proceed to date this other guy and i havent spoken to her since i found that out. She was my best friend and after being gone for school i didnt have many other friends.
    So this whole situation has made things worse, my parents sent me to the doctor and he prescribed me lexapro (anti-depressant). ive been on it for about a month (this summer has flown by, i dont even remember August) and i do feel different but it isnt going to take away my problems.
    I decided a week ago that i didnt want to feel this way anymore, im cynical, introverted, miserable, heartbroken, lonely, and feel like nothing is worth any sort of effort. When i sat in bed at night i would cry myself to sleep all summer, my emotions would just go into a spiral and id freak out. The only thing i could think about that would calm me down was killing myself, oh how much better it felt to imagine it just being over. Over this week ive thought seriously about it, after calling the suicide hotline and talking to them and crying to myself about killing myself, it all of a sudden stopped. I wrote letters to my ex, my parents, and my one friend that was there for me when i had no one else. They are sealed up in envelops just waiting to be mailed or put in my pocket. I feel so much better than i have in months, i dont cry anymore, i dont worry (which is one of my problems) i just feel calm about killing myself, in fact i cant wait to, almost the excitement of going on a epic vacation. I'm not sure how im going to do it yet, probably some sort of overdose, the internet makes it very easy to find a combination of drugs that will kill you quietly.
    I'm not sad, im not angry, im full of regret and done with it, i can finally be at peace with myself. "To die would be an awfully big adventure" i love Petter Pan.
    But to the point of this post, im confused about my feelings in the past few days. The summer is almost over and im going to go back away for school, this has me half excited. I dont want to live anymore but part of me wants to stick around and go back to school. hell if all else fails i can just overdose up there anyway. does anybody who feels like ending their life have these thoughts of going on with their life? it could be fun but i dont think its going to be everything i imagine.

    :hamtaro: -all while i was typing i couldn't help but laugh at this because it reminds me of my ex's dog, a welsh corgi, most adorable dog ever!

    Thanks for reading, and thanks for any replies.
  2. sdcg76

    sdcg76 Member

    Hello and welcome to SF! First up yes I myself battle with the demons everyday about whether to live or die, it's hard however I am still here so it must not be my time, nor yours! Secondly I too was on lexapro and zoloft and from what I heard meds take awhile to 'take effect' so to speak. And I'm with you all the way, they aren't a magic pill to vanish all your problems away. Have you tried counseling too? That may help too along with the meds, whatever you feel is best for you! And last and certainly not least definatly go back to school and be happy and proud, hold your head up high! That is the main thing out of all the crazy, messed up s**t in my life that keeps me going is my grauation (3/6/11!!!!) If you want to PM me I'm here, take care!
  3. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    Im exactly the same. One moment im happy and planning on going back to college then university and the next moment i crash and all i can think about is my death. It has been getting worse lately so i think its inevitable, the constant ups and downs are starting to send me crazy. Iv even started to get paranoid again after i thought i was over it. Im going to the doctors to see if he can help but sometimes im not sure and just feel like im wasting his time.
    Im sorry i havnt really got any advise except the same as sdcg76, try counciling if you think it will help or get your meds changed if you dont feel they are helping. I just wanted you to know you are not alone and i hope you continue to post and feel better.
  4. vanish

    vanish Member

    Ive thought about going to counseling, but I'm not sure what all they'd be able to tell me. When i go to school ill make an appointment with their counselors and see what happens. i just don't know if its worth the effort to even go back to school. Ive already written my letters to everyone i love explaining why. I look down on myself for all of this, which makes it even more hopeless. I just dont see the importance of staying here and ive lost all hope in humanity. But i might as well enjoy today even though ill be alone for all of it. sorry if this sounds like a rant, i wanted to reply but i dont really know what to say anymore
  5. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    You are young, and lots of good things can still happen. She may return to you, or you will find someone who will make you laugh and love again.
    Hang in there, hun!:hugtackles:
  6. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hun, I just want to ask you if you are doing better.
  7. vanish

    vanish Member

    hey flowing, things are ok i guess, I'm still here but i feel no difference in my attitude. I really don't want to be alive anymore. Everyday is hollow, i don't get any sort of joy out of anything, all i think about is my ex. I feel like there is something missing in me, something very important, almost like my will to live is gone. I'm just waiting for the night things become to unbearable and i just get it over with. I imagine that moment every morning. I cant get up in the morning, i cry for about 10-15 min until i remember that I've written my letters and that i can go whenever i want, its the only thing that calms me down. I haven't been on here lately because i stayed the night over a friends house thinking being away from my normal bed would help but it doesn't. I am %100 miserable, i figure ive lived a good life
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Vanish,
    Break ups are tough.. When my ex and me broke up I cried at night for a year..I was hospitalized like four times that first year..Suicide isn't the answer.. Making new friends helps alot..Your still young and will find someone else..Especially at college.. The people there are more mature..Don't give up hope.. Go to college and have fun.. Put the past behind you..
  9. vanish

    vanish Member

    thank all of you for responding, its really funny how much comments from people i dont know can make me feel better. ive been on the phone with the suicide hotline a few times today and was lucky enough to get someone who was the perfect person i needed to talk to to get out of bed. So its 230 and im just now starting my day, but at least its starting. I feel good now so im going to keep this short, as i want to do things. Ill post again if i go bad later (probably will) Thank you all <3:biggrin:
  10. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    I am glad that you found someone on suicide hot line to talk to. Heartbreak is the worse thing a person could go through. Thank God, that in about a year most people have gone through it. Some longer, some less. But, it does get better. I know you hate to hear this, but time will heal your wounds.
    It will get better. You may get bad days in between, but in a a couple of years you will wonder why you wanted to end your life over a girl.
    Here for you.
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