Hello, this is my first post and i joined this forum many 30 minutes ago because ive been suicidal all summer and im running out of places/ people to go to for help. Some background about me, im a 21 guy in college. All my life ive had suicidal issues, when i was 6 and 12 i saw a therapist, but eventually got over it myself. But this last time it got really bad while i was away for school. I had been dating the same girl since i graduated high school (2 1/2 years) would have been 3 years in 20 days, you could say she was my first real love, we had plans for our future together and have talked seriously about marriage, needless to say i was very happy with our relationship. But while i was away i became extremely introverted and cynical about everything, my depression got really bad. I eventually pushed her away to the point where we would talk maybe once a week. When i was about to come home for the summer i got excited because i would be able to actually see her vs over the phone and convinced myself that it would make things better. Well i had found out once i got home that she had gotten drunk and had sex with another guy. A mutual friend had to be the one to tell me because she couldnt stop crying to tell me the truth. I was heart broken, and after a few weeks i decided that i wanted to try and work it out with her and see if i could get past it. Well she didn't think it would work, she constantly kept saying she would never be able to forgive herself. She then proceed to date this other guy and i havent spoken to her since i found that out. She was my best friend and after being gone for school i didnt have many other friends. So this whole situation has made things worse, my parents sent me to the doctor and he prescribed me lexapro (anti-depressant). ive been on it for about a month (this summer has flown by, i dont even remember August) and i do feel different but it isnt going to take away my problems. I decided a week ago that i didnt want to feel this way anymore, im cynical, introverted, miserable, heartbroken, lonely, and feel like nothing is worth any sort of effort. When i sat in bed at night i would cry myself to sleep all summer, my emotions would just go into a spiral and id freak out. The only thing i could think about that would calm me down was killing myself, oh how much better it felt to imagine it just being over. Over this week ive thought seriously about it, after calling the suicide hotline and talking to them and crying to myself about killing myself, it all of a sudden stopped. I wrote letters to my ex, my parents, and my one friend that was there for me when i had no one else. They are sealed up in envelops just waiting to be mailed or put in my pocket. I feel so much better than i have in months, i dont cry anymore, i dont worry (which is one of my problems) i just feel calm about killing myself, in fact i cant wait to, almost the excitement of going on a epic vacation. I'm not sure how im going to do it yet, probably some sort of overdose, the internet makes it very easy to find a combination of drugs that will kill you quietly. I'm not sad, im not angry, im full of regret and done with it, i can finally be at peace with myself. "To die would be an awfully big adventure" i love Petter Pan. But to the point of this post, im confused about my feelings in the past few days. The summer is almost over and im going to go back away for school, this has me half excited. I dont want to live anymore but part of me wants to stick around and go back to school. hell if all else fails i can just overdose up there anyway. does anybody who feels like ending their life have these thoughts of going on with their life? it could be fun but i dont think its going to be everything i imagine. :hamtaro: -all while i was typing i couldn't help but laugh at this because it reminds me of my ex's dog, a welsh corgi, most adorable dog ever! Thanks for reading, and thanks for any replies.