Looking for advice

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by mmd, Nov 18, 2009.

  1. mmd

    mmd Member

    Hi there,

    I'm in a strange, lonely place tonight.

    First, let me begin by saying, I'm afraid I'm going to hurt myself soon. I used to do it a lot, and lately the urge has been unavoidable. I was going to go back to therapy, but slept through my intake. Sleeping, music and pot are really the only things that make me feel decent these days. I try to lose myself in work and friends but they only seem to make me feel worse about myself -- I hate my writing, and I hate my friends, because I only feel like they are judging me lately. People I've known for years, and I feel like lately they've been condescending, intrusive, judgmental and self-righteous.

    My boyfriend and I are living long distance till I finish school next semester, and it's killing me. He was my life, my partner, my teammate, and now we fight and don't understand each other. Tonight, I started crying because I missed him, and he told me he's tired of hearing me cry, that we've had discussion after discussion of how I need to be more upbeat (which is true). I want to insert positive energy into our relationship, he is the only thing I love and I want to hang onto him with all that I have, but it is killing me to keep faking cute voices on the phone to make him think it's all okay. He can't handle hearing me cry anymore, he can't even handle hearing me talk about school or work related stresses, because it brings us down too much when we're only talking on the phone.

    My dad might be going to jail soon. He's a drunk, and he's lived with my mom my whole life, but he lives in the basement. Comes home drunk, every day, goes in the basement, doesn't talk to anyone. But he's my father. I know him, kind of, in a way. He used to take me outside to look at the stars and teach me constellations, at least he did a few times. He used to be a really great drummer. But he's a drunk, and even two smart pretty daughters weren't enough to make him stop drinking. How the hell am I supposed to focus on getting my degree and making something of myself, when I am the spawn of such an evil, heartless person? The money he spends on alcohol is revolting, and his recent DUI might result in jailtime since he never renewed his license when it got revoked more than a decade ago. I'm scared I'll never know my father, but, I don't know how much I want to know him.

    I want to cut so badly. I want to feel some hurt that's not internal, because it is an escape. I have been unable to fall asleep without sleeping pills for about 6 months now, and when I try to just lay down, I just get so, so depressed. My head becomes a mess of what I'm doing with my life, how I feel, how others feel about me, how I feel about others, how I pride myself on my skills but they haven't amounted to much of anything, and I'm at the bottom of the barrel for my grades and college. It's so easy for me to look at what I have and say it's meaningless. I used to find comfort in my close group of friends, but they don't think I should be with my boyfriend so it's made for a very, very lonely situation. I try to make new friends at school, but I just feel awkward and desperate about it.

    If I lose my boyfriend, I don't know what I'll have. My best friends from home tell me they love me and that they are there for me, but they say things that get under my skin and eat at me for days. I constantly think about their value judgments of me, what they're thinking of me......I must remind myself it doesn't matter, they will love me regardless and the warmth is there beneath the immediate, shallow, present-tense surface.....

    I've read through these forums a bit, and I am amazed at how hopeful and encouraging people can be. Many of us writing here have been through difficult, painful, torturous times, and those times are enough to make you want to throw in the towel and give up. But we can't, because, we don't know what our lives could throw us if we stick it out....who knows?

    I don't want to end my life. I just want to end the anger, the rage, the hurt, the depression. But lately, those things ARE my life. The love, the warmth, feel distant and falsified. I can fake love so easily, that I never know when it is real anymore. Friends are not supporting me, they are ignoring my emails or messages because, I assume, they're tired of me. Tired of my "drama." But don't they understand, can't ANYONE understand, what living in a house of family lies for 18 years will to you? My father, the one who's supposed to look out for you, was there on paper but not at all in spirit or even reality, and now I'm struggling with relationships of my own and I just don't want them to die. I don't want my life to be empty, or full of fake love...I just want to know that what I feel is legitimate, that my pain and my suffering are not of my own invention. Am I choosing to keep myself miserable by crying about missing my boyfriend? Am I choosing to keep myself miserable by worrying about what my friends think? Some may say yes, surely my boyfriend does, but I cannot help these thoughts. They drive me crazy. They drive me mad. I want to slit my arms and legs in all kinds of ways, I want my body to match my head.

    I'm 21 now, lived on my own since college, lived in great cities, and I've found a wonderful guy who loves me no matter what. There was a point in my life where none of that would've even seemed remotely possible, and yet, I've made something of a life. But the anger, the depression.....they're getting too much for him to deal with, and despite my efforts to build my life past my bad habits THEY'RE STILL THERE and the urge to cut is suddenly here too.

    I don't know.....I don't know.....I just want to sleep without pills and not feel so fucking angry. Any advice or words of encouragement or anything, really, anything, reflecting on my situation, would be greatly appreciated....remember the rule of threes....should you offer something good to the world, it will come to you in threefold in time.....
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 18, 2009
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hear your struggle Your father is sick Hopefully the court will see that and order him into treatment of some sort. You need to only worry about you and your happiness. You need therapy as well for your depression to get your pain resolved. Can you talk with a school councillor a therapist there Maybe call your GP and talk with he or she and get on some antidepressants to help you stay upbeat not so down. You are seperate from your family now away from all trauma so try to fix you now try to get help for you. Let the court worry about your dad even if he goes to jail it will be time for him to sober up and maybe face his life. Please take time now to get some support for you so your life can be happier.
  3. morgan

    morgan Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you came here tonight because there are a lot of supportive people who are waiting to help you. You sound like an amazing person and I'm sorry about your dad and your boyfriend. Hopefully they'll see how amazing you are, too.
    I know that every day brings a stronger urge to hurt yourself. I've been there. Trust me, once you give in its like starting back at day one. You don't want to fall down that hole after you've made it so long without having to resort to that.
    Please message me if you need to talk.
  4. sucidalgirl99

    sucidalgirl99 Well-Known Member

    I can relate to you a lot dear. Feel me to PM me if you'd like.