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Looking for clarity

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by WhenWordsLoseAllMeaning, Jul 7, 2008.

  1. WhenWordsLoseAllMeaning

    WhenWordsLoseAllMeaning Well-Known Member

    Hi all.

    Been a while since I posted on here but I remembered this place always gave rational advice so here I am again.

    I'm in my early 20s now and a lot more content with life. However, I am still really self concious and can be very irrational at times.

    Anyway... on to my rant. Currently I live in a house with 4 of my closest friends. I would say on the main it was ok and better than living at home because I don't get on with my dad very well. There is one quite big problem though.

    One of my friends is clinically depressed and has an eating disorder. I love her to bits and would do anything for her... but yesterday she really pushed me to the limits of my patience. I've known this girl for 7 years but since we lived together she has been a real struggle to live with and never confides in me anymore.

    Basically we were all in the living room having a meal. She hates the way I eat but I honestly can't help it, its just the way I eat. I was already in a bad mood because a friend was being rather annoying at the time, but thats not important. Anyway I was just quietly eating, I try to do this because I'm so self concious she is going to make a comment. I half expect it. Bout 5 mins in the comment comes, "you do realise thats not how you use a fork". Now someone please correct me if I sound out of order, but to me, someone of my age, that comment is highly belittling and pathetic. This was then followed by me saying shut up, because well, thats how I use a fork, I'm not 5 and I certainly can't change 20 years of using it that way.

    I must emphasise this is a build up of comments where this one was the most ludicrous. She always goes on that I "eat loud" and "don't chew properly and it makes her want to vomit" etc. and that I was "clearly not brought up normally." Maybe I shouldnt take such offence, but as I say, I'm really self concious as it is so don't like having attention drawn my way or being told I'm not normal. Its one of the worst things you can say to me, and she knows that.

    Someone please tell me I'm not losing it. I can't move out cos living at home is depressing. I want to know if anyone knows how I can combat this in a better way than just telling her to shut up and then eating my food in my room. I did later apologise for telling her to shut up to which, I think, the normal response would be dont worry about it and then a sorry of her own for making the comment... All I got was a "hmmm".

    She had been in an argumentative mood all day, she gets like that, but when she offended my other housemate he got a unprompted apology within 5 minutes. I didn't even get one after I had apologised. It makes me feel like she just doesnt value my friendship anymore. This is hard to accept because she has been through hard times this year and I stood by her, when she split up with her boyfriend (which is what tipped her over the edge). She is now kinda back together with him and he lives with us too... I have not once tried to ruin that for her because I want her to be happy... even though she has had to lie about the amount and who she slept with when they split up for 2 months. I dont agree with the deception but she is better with him so I let it go. I just wonder what I have to do to gain a little respect, because I don't think I get any for that, or for attempting to show an interest in her life or offering her support with her condition.

    I just want her to get better... but I don't want that to be at the expense of my own sanity, I am so self concious of myself and what I do because I'm not my biggest fan so incidents like this make me irrational and depressed. If anyone could maybe shead some light on how she might think, that would be good too, maybe then I could understand her a bit better and know what to say.

    Any questions please ask. I appreciate you reading this. Thanks.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Have you set down with her and told her how those comments make you feel? It really should not matter how you hold your fork. Imagine her reaction if you didn't use it :blink: As for how loud you eat-do you really eat overly loud? There is a mental illness that causes people to be hypersensitive to the sounds of chewing. It drives them crazy. Has she been friends with all your room mates as long as she has with you? Maybe she is taking you for granted out of familiarity. While you may apologize for something to a friend or acquaintance, you might not to someone you consider family.
  3. WhenWordsLoseAllMeaning

    WhenWordsLoseAllMeaning Well-Known Member

    I do think she is hypersensitive to it yeah. I don't think I'm paticulary louder than anyone else but I'm the only one she beats up on over it. She has known me longer than our other housemates yeah, apart from her boyfriend, which is about the same time, about 6 years. Although she has known the other two for around 5 and 3 years respectively.

    I do think she takes me for granted but how do I make her appreciate me more? I really have given up with it cos I've went back with my parents for days and come back, and its fine for a while... then it starts again.

    I do try to talk to her but she says she doesn't see why I need to, says I shouldn't make an issue out of nothing and that she hates long one to one talks. So I respect that and don't do it... I really miss how we used to be with each other, now I'm just waiting for the next argument or comment to happen. I don't want to lose her and I obviously live with her so not being friends is never an option, cos I've known her too long and consider her my friend for life.