I'm not the type to act on impulse but I just wanted to share that I have been feeling really down for the last three months since my antidepressant, celexa, has lost its effect, and also because I don't know what else to do to find the source of my severe pain condition. I have been on celexa for about two years and a year on maximum dose. This coupled with my severe pain, lack of friends, poor family relationship, it really takes its toll. I don't find any meaning on things, find my job so shallow, its really hard to do something to take my mind away from the negativity because my energy is low and I feel so hopeless. I just think, why should I continue to endure all of these painful days, and years? It doesnt seem I will ever get to the bottom of my problem and if by any chance I do I would end up with a traumatized and damaged mind, body, and brain, I would not have a chance at having a decent life. The pain is so bad, its not just the intensity but how constant it is, I forgot how its like to live with no pain, such a long time ago. I look somewhat normal because I dont seem to show signs of the pain I suffer, just look really depressed so people dont know, and even my family forget what I "say" I'm going through. I think that since when this problem started I was already jaded and not very emotional, and consider that I am not, this is in part why I have endured, but I don't know. So this is in part why I am objectively considering death, I have an almost failproof plan already, I only have to take some steps to do it. I think it is the correct and rational thing to do, then sometimes I also think "what if all I need is this one treatment that could be found in this next appointment?" type of thing, but this is already so old, I think it is a cooping counter measure of hope that slowly loses its effect. I think the strongest thing holding me back is a fear of a worse afterlife even thou I consider myself an atheist, childhood indoctrination is still in my head and you cannot disprove it. So the thing is that even thou a part of me says there is little chance of it somehow my instinct will fuel its role of keeping me alive by placing a big value on that small chance, or something like that, I don't really know, but we all know that this area of the mind can be very confusing and difficult to understand. I am in the process of building my final conviction to make the decision to go thru with the plan. Right now I am actually looking for things that will convince me to chose death, I want to shape my mind and subconscious to accept it as a solution, which makes it seem irrational that I am writing this here since nobody is allowed to do such a thing, but then again, where can you actually find such things from other people when you are supposed to do so alone and in the evaluation of your own condition? Thanks for taking the time.