Looking for conviction

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by someguy24, Mar 17, 2014.

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  1. someguy24

    someguy24 Well-Known Member

    I'm not the type to act on impulse but I just wanted to share that I have been feeling really down for the last three months since my antidepressant, celexa, has lost its effect, and also because I don't know what else to do to find the source of my severe pain condition. I have been on celexa for about two years and a year on maximum dose. This coupled with my severe pain, lack of friends, poor family relationship, it really takes its toll. I don't find any meaning on things, find my job so shallow, its really hard to do something to take my mind away from the negativity because my energy is low and I feel so hopeless.

    I just think, why should I continue to endure all of these painful days, and years? It doesnt seem I will ever get to the bottom of my problem and if by any chance I do I would end up with a traumatized and damaged mind, body, and brain, I would not have a chance at having a decent life. The pain is so bad, its not just the intensity but how constant it is, I forgot how its like to live with no pain, such a long time ago. I look somewhat normal because I dont seem to show signs of the pain I suffer, just look really depressed so people dont know, and even my family forget what I "say" I'm going through.

    I think that since when this problem started I was already jaded and not very emotional, and consider that I am not, this is in part why I have endured, but I don't know. So this is in part why I am objectively considering death, I have an almost failproof plan already, I only have to take some steps to do it. I think it is the correct and rational thing to do, then sometimes I also think "what if all I need is this one treatment that could be found in this next appointment?" type of thing, but this is already so old, I think it is a cooping counter measure of hope that slowly loses its effect.

    I think the strongest thing holding me back is a fear of a worse afterlife even thou I consider myself an atheist, childhood indoctrination is still in my head and you cannot disprove it. So the thing is that even thou a part of me says there is little chance of it somehow my instinct will fuel its role of keeping me alive by placing a big value on that small chance, or something like that, I don't really know, but we all know that this area of the mind can be very confusing and difficult to understand.

    I am in the process of building my final conviction to make the decision to go thru with the plan. Right now I am actually looking for things that will convince me to chose death, I want to shape my mind and subconscious to accept it as a solution, which makes it seem irrational that I am writing this here since nobody is allowed to do such a thing, but then again, where can you actually find such things from other people when you are supposed to do so alone and in the evaluation of your own condition?

    Thanks for taking the time.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Someguy24, I read you post and I am so sorry that you are suffering. You need to speak to someone about your feelings and what you are going through. You are a strong person in that you posted what you are going through. You should never give up hope even though we think there in hope in the world left. I hope this helps, as you are not alone in suffering in the world. Please take care.
  3. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    Hi someguy24, I am sorry to hear of your pain and suffering. I have been on 40mg of celxa in the past and now it no longer does anything for me as well. I was able to consult with my doctor and switched to 20mg lexapro, which has been somewhat helpful. I have no idea why celexa quit working for me, but there are many others, consult with your doctor. I can not speak of your pain and plan, but I have found that there are always more options for relief. Medical and therapeutic relief. Doing this is extremely difficult but it has been worth it for me, it can be for you as well. I am hoping you will consider continuing to find/explore those as it can get better. Wishing you have better days.
  4. someguy24

    someguy24 Well-Known Member

    True, except I dont consider myself a strong person for posting here, but its so difficult for me to speak to someone, I mean to who will I speak? My mom is in the same boat, my dad is in like a different universe, and I have no siblings or friends. I went to a psychologist before but it didnt help, he just tried to convince me that all that I said and felt was not true.
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