While I don't remember each rule by heart I can understand that I can't be a nutter here. I'm looking for some real help so I'll be cool. I teach at a public school so I'm old enough to know that very few of these suicidal posts are unique so I won't pretend to be. I've had suicidal thoughts now and again since I was a kid but for the last two years they have been constant. I like to tell myself that I'm mature enough to handle things so I went to the doctor. Got plenty of meds and went to therapy too. Changed the meds up a few times but I ended up attempting still. This got me locked up for a long period. It was very unpleasant but I managed to get out eventually. I must confess here anonymously that I did lie to get out of it. I just couldn't stand being there anymore. I went back to my job and continued on. But the urge to exit remained for some reason. I really thought I had my feelings under control this time. I am certainly mature enough to know that I'm certainly not thinking straight so I'm at a point now where my mind is more clear and the side of me that wants to live is crying out to do just that. I want to get help that doesn't involve doctors or medication. I understand thats being very difficult but if anyone knows where I can find this, it has to be here. Thank you very much.