Looking for reasons I guess

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Joe0845, Nov 11, 2013.

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  1. Joe0845

    Joe0845 New Member

    Well, I just figured I would google suicide forums and just try to hear from other people. I guess giving something a shot to maybe change my mind is a good start.

    For starters, I'm 23 the doctor and friends and family all think its extremely odd I would want to commit suicide. I'm really attractive and I'm in very good shape. I have an okay job, I have a nice car and a motorcycle so I have some toys. But I just can't find happiness. I've had suicidal thoughts since elementary school and I understand the roots of my thoughts and what lead me to become this way. It's why I work out. I became muscle dysmorphic in hopes of becoming happier. And lately I've been missing the gym a lot and eating really bad which is making everything even worse for me. But honestly all I want to do is just sleep and never wake up. I have no energy or motivation to do anything.

    My one goal in life has always just been to be happily married to a woman who loves me and treats me with respect. Have a great family together. Raise good kids who become model citizens. But people are just disgusting everywhere you go. You don't really see people do acts of kindness or show love to one another. It's as if I see my dream being crushed in front of my eyes everyday. These girls I have dated have just used me, cheated on me and taken advantage of my kind and forgiving heart. I would love to think it gets better soon, but I people just don't care. They all want to just live in the moment and have fun at whatever cost. And that's why high school students commit suicide because people had their fun by picking on them. I'm not a drinker, I don't do drugs. And most people unfortunately do one or the other and usually at an addictive level.

    The family physician believes it's a chemical imbalance and that medication can fix it. They've put me on so many different medications, and the only thing that changes, is for the worse (splitting headaches, mood swings, etc). But I don't believe any medicine can change a persons perspective on the world. Part of the problem is, im not all year round depressed. So I could say, yes the medication is working, then feel suicidal a week later. Last year I was borderline hospitalized. My parents signed a waiver to take me home. Went to a therapist for a while and I was able to tell him what my triggers are, my roots and what not. All he could say is that there was nothing he could do to help and that most of the patients are just very confused and don't understand it.

    I feel as if the world would move on just fine without me. The only ones who would miss me are my immediate family. I have no imprint left here, nothing will change with or without me.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Joe welcome to SF. You seem to see only the negative in people when there are so many many people who give their lives to help others. Look at the disasters all the people that pool together to help the ones hit rebuild their is good people I hope you do find a person with such aheart of kindness and compassion I am sorry the meds are not helping you with depression have you tried other routes to help it i know you said exercise helps. and eating well. Maybe just reaching out here will help too you will see the kindness from others here and realize that not all people are out to harm hugs toyou
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi Joe. you wrote: "But people are just disgusting everywhere you go. You don't really see people do acts of kindness or show love to one another. " There are really good people out there. A great way to meet them is to volunteer doing something that interests you. eg I volunteered for an arts program that helps low income kids. I volunteered to help people who needed help with a very specific thing I am good at. These people could never have gotten the help otherwise. They could not have afforded it. I did meet some great people who had a good social conscience. Some became good friends. Others became dear loved ones. Many of the people I met are caring kind and have a great social conscience. Its the best way I know of for a person to meet some good loving caring people and also to feel feel useful and needed.
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