not really sure where else i can go to ask this without anyone reacting the wrong way. im thinking of killing myself to keep myself in control of what happens to me. im 18, from england, and university is supposed to be starting in september. im a lesbian, but ive been living in denial these past few months after i met an amazing guy online. we decided to have a long distance relationship. i fell for his personality, and was selfish and thought it could be a permanant thing. i've had doubts the whole time, and in every way hes a perfect match for me, and i was happy to call him my boyfriend. its just hes a he, and i didnt want to face reality. 4 days ago i found out i have a brain tumor. im having surgery next week, and expecting a course of chemotherapy afterwards. i didnt tell my boyfriend, i hadnt come to terms with it myself and didnt want even more fussing going on. instead, i broke up with him yesterday, for what i think are the right reasons that i cant pretend to be a normal hetero woman and ive not been fair on him at all. the other reasons are its not fair for him to be commited to someone hes only known a few months, that is now fighting cancer. i dont want him to have to deal with this, i want him to be able to be happy with someone that isnt sick like i am and can give him everything he needs. i was also terrified if i told him and he wanted to support me, that id get too dependant on him and hed get sick of the burden of me. i know, im selfish, and stupid, and never know what i want, and change my mind a lot, and part of me thinks i deserve to get cancer for hurting him like i have done. but i dont know if i should have told him all this or not. i dont know if i should have said i have cancer, and that if i think i wont make a full recovery, that i want to end my life on my own terms. i dont know if i should tell him everything. i dont know if i should be thinking of killing myself. i dont know if i should be asking any of this on here. i just dont know what to do.