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looking for some advice

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ConfusedGirl18, Jul 30, 2010.

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  1. ConfusedGirl18

    ConfusedGirl18 Account Closed

    not really sure where else i can go to ask this without anyone reacting the wrong way.

    im thinking of killing myself to keep myself in control of what happens to me.

    im 18, from england, and university is supposed to be starting in september. im a lesbian, but ive been living in denial these past few months after i met an amazing guy online. we decided to have a long distance relationship. i fell for his personality, and was selfish and thought it could be a permanant thing. i've had doubts the whole time, and in every way hes a perfect match for me, and i was happy to call him my boyfriend. its just hes a he, and i didnt want to face reality.

    4 days ago i found out i have a brain tumor. im having surgery next week, and expecting a course of chemotherapy afterwards. i didnt tell my boyfriend, i hadnt come to terms with it myself and didnt want even more fussing going on. instead, i broke up with him yesterday, for what i think are the right reasons that i cant pretend to be a normal hetero woman and ive not been fair on him at all.

    the other reasons are its not fair for him to be commited to someone hes only known a few months, that is now fighting cancer. i dont want him to have to deal with this, i want him to be able to be happy with someone that isnt sick like i am and can give him everything he needs. i was also terrified if i told him and he wanted to support me, that id get too dependant on him and hed get sick of the burden of me.

    i know, im selfish, and stupid, and never know what i want, and change my mind a lot, and part of me thinks i deserve to get cancer for hurting him like i have done. but i dont know if i should have told him all this or not. i dont know if i should have said i have cancer, and that if i think i wont make a full recovery, that i want to end my life on my own terms.

    i dont know if i should tell him everything. i dont know if i should be thinking of killing myself. i dont know if i should be asking any of this on here. i just dont know what to do.
  2. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member


    Personally, I think you do the right thing. If you aren't happy, I don't think he could be :(.

    If he knew that you were suffering from cancer it might have really got to him. Knowing someone over the internet and then suddenly they just won't be there one day.

    It's ok to be gay :). And as far as I hear, you'll probly get to meet a whole lot of different people in Uni.

    If I was in your shoes, I'd be thinking of suicide. But then again that isn't really a change :laugh:. All I'd be doing is changing gender and having cancer(the latter being quite a big thing though :unsure:).

    How bad is the cancer?
  3. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    I will tell you a crazy story XD

    My gf was told by her doctors that she will basically die any moment after like 3 months lol. She was all locked inside and shit. She had heart problems, like the veins would not give enough blood flow.
    Basically I took her with all my heart and she started getting better and better. 3 years have now pasted and she is not even seeing her heart specialists anymore. Her heart rarely ever hurts.

    Ok the following is personally my opinion, but I am no specialist on guys and I
    am pretty crazy myself haha

    I would tell him everything, because If I was him and I felt that this is true love. Then I would turn the world around. Plus I always thought that its very cruel to lie to your loved one just to protect him or something. World is a cruel place and you are not saving anyone too much trouble really, at least if you die he will have this experience to make him stronger. Unless you think he will die from hearing it I would tell him.
  4. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Im so sorry for your situation. Im praying for you. I think you should tell your friend he may want to help and will be helpful to you at this time. I think you are a brave and good person to spare feelings,but he may WANT to help and you both may benefit. I pray with all my heart and soul you get well soon!!!! We are here for you ALWAYS!!!! Things will improve. Try to keep your friend in your life I think you will both be helped....

    Write me please,

  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Confusedgirl and welcome to SF. I'm sorry to hear that you have a brain tumor. Chemotherapy can be awful and leave you feeling very weak, because they are powerful drugs. I hope that you will make a full recovery and I hope that you don't consider suicide as an option. Please don't give up. :hug:
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