Hi all, I've just arrived at this site and I'm hoping this is a good place to get things off my chest and hopefully get a sane, third party outlook on my situation. Just lately, suicidal thoughts have been crossing my mind to the point where I'm starting to get worried about myself. I am not an urgent case, which is why I'm posting on here instead of contacting a helpline where there are people in much greater need than I am, but I still feel I need to speak to someone about how I'm feeling in case it gets worse. To make things clear, right now I don't think I have any intentions of harming myself, but I'm feeling trapped and suicidal thoughts keep crossing my mind as a potential way out. So here is my story. I've been in a relationship for the past four years, and for the past year my partner and I have been engaged. The thing is, I no longer love him, and despite constantly telling myself I will break it off with him, more and more things have happened that have felt like shackles trapping me even further into the relationship. Right now, we're engaged, we've already booked and paid a lot of money out for the wedding, and we're also living together. It feels far too late to break things off now. But the wedding and the money aside, I most of all feel I can't break up with him because I can't stand the thought of hurting him. He's in love with me and he tells me often that I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him. He's so happy and excited for the future, and I can't bear the thought of ending all that and leaving him broken hearted, especially as I've suffered heartbreak myself and I know how much it hurts. Essentially, I'm giving up my own happiness for someone else, and while I keep telling myself that I owe it to myself to be happy, I just can't do it at his expense, especially not as he's been, in every other sense, the perfect man to me. For a while, I kind of accepted my situation and settled for it, and this is when I let myself get more trapped into the relationship. When I started dating my current partner, I had just been cheated on and spent a long time hung up on my ex. For a long time (I'm talking up until a year or so ago) I was still in love with my ex, but due to how he hurt me I didn't want to go back to that relationship. So I accepted the fact that I couldn't change my feelings for him and, seeing how my current partner was so happy, I settled for wanting to make him happy and decided that, even though I didn't love him, I still cared for him a lot and he's a great friend. I know our relationship is basically a scam and I'm living a lie, and I feel so cruel and guilty over it, but I can't bring myself to hurt him with the truth. In the past year, someone new entered my life that made me realise that maybe there is another chance at love for me. At first I thought it was just an insignificant crush and tried to ignore it, but when it became clear that he had feelings for me, I think I've fallen in love with him. My fiancé and I have since moved away from the place where "New Guy" was living, but I saw him again recently and it has thrown me into turmoil all over again. I want to see if there's a chance with him, a chance at love, but of course, the thought of breaking up with my fiancé is also tearing me apart. I don't want to be the reason for his hurt, and at the same time, the thought of never knowing what I could have with the New Guy is driving me crazy. So, rather than hurting my fiancé by leaving him for another man, or staying trapped in this relationship, thoughts of a permanent way out have been crossing my mind. I can't talk to anyone about these suicidal thoughts because I don't want my friends or fiancé to view me as a sick person who needs to be watched or babysat, and if it ever got back to my mum, she would be ill herself with worry. I just need some words of advice from someone with a cool head and some third party perspective, because I honestly don't know what I'm doing with my life and I'm afraid that I'll eventually become overwhelmed and these thoughts will get more serious. Thank you to anyone for taking the time to read this. I really do feel like an awful, silly person.