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Looking for someone to talk to.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by iron_sky, Aug 17, 2016.

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  1. iron_sky

    iron_sky New Member

    Hi all,

    I've just arrived at this site and I'm hoping this is a good place to get things off my chest and hopefully get a sane, third party outlook on my situation.

    Just lately, suicidal thoughts have been crossing my mind to the point where I'm starting to get worried about myself. I am not an urgent case, which is why I'm posting on here instead of contacting a helpline where there are people in much greater need than I am, but I still feel I need to speak to someone about how I'm feeling in case it gets worse. To make things clear, right now I don't think I have any intentions of harming myself, but I'm feeling trapped and suicidal thoughts keep crossing my mind as a potential way out.

    So here is my story. I've been in a relationship for the past four years, and for the past year my partner and I have been engaged. The thing is, I no longer love him, and despite constantly telling myself I will break it off with him, more and more things have happened that have felt like shackles trapping me even further into the relationship. Right now, we're engaged, we've already booked and paid a lot of money out for the wedding, and we're also living together. It feels far too late to break things off now. But the wedding and the money aside, I most of all feel I can't break up with him because I can't stand the thought of hurting him. He's in love with me and he tells me often that I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him. He's so happy and excited for the future, and I can't bear the thought of ending all that and leaving him broken hearted, especially as I've suffered heartbreak myself and I know how much it hurts. Essentially, I'm giving up my own happiness for someone else, and while I keep telling myself that I owe it to myself to be happy, I just can't do it at his expense, especially not as he's been, in every other sense, the perfect man to me.

    For a while, I kind of accepted my situation and settled for it, and this is when I let myself get more trapped into the relationship. When I started dating my current partner, I had just been cheated on and spent a long time hung up on my ex. For a long time (I'm talking up until a year or so ago) I was still in love with my ex, but due to how he hurt me I didn't want to go back to that relationship. So I accepted the fact that I couldn't change my feelings for him and, seeing how my current partner was so happy, I settled for wanting to make him happy and decided that, even though I didn't love him, I still cared for him a lot and he's a great friend. I know our relationship is basically a scam and I'm living a lie, and I feel so cruel and guilty over it, but I can't bring myself to hurt him with the truth.

    In the past year, someone new entered my life that made me realise that maybe there is another chance at love for me. At first I thought it was just an insignificant crush and tried to ignore it, but when it became clear that he had feelings for me, I think I've fallen in love with him. My fiancé and I have since moved away from the place where "New Guy" was living, but I saw him again recently and it has thrown me into turmoil all over again. I want to see if there's a chance with him, a chance at love, but of course, the thought of breaking up with my fiancé is also tearing me apart. I don't want to be the reason for his hurt, and at the same time, the thought of never knowing what I could have with the New Guy is driving me crazy.

    So, rather than hurting my fiancé by leaving him for another man, or staying trapped in this relationship, thoughts of a permanent way out have been crossing my mind. I can't talk to anyone about these suicidal thoughts because I don't want my friends or fiancé to view me as a sick person who needs to be watched or babysat, and if it ever got back to my mum, she would be ill herself with worry. I just need some words of advice from someone with a cool head and some third party perspective, because I honestly don't know what I'm doing with my life and I'm afraid that I'll eventually become overwhelmed and these thoughts will get more serious.

    Thank you to anyone for taking the time to read this. I really do feel like an awful, silly person.
  2. curtis

    curtis Active Member

    hi there and welcome to the forum, I am glad to see you seeking advice. to do with this situation from my perspective I think that you should find some way to break away I know that this man loves you and is probably going to be heartbroke if you leave him but giving him happiness at the expense of yours isn't a good way to live. also these thoughts are happening because of this I think you should maybe have a chat with your fiancé about this and he will understand.

    lastly I want to say that if these thoughts persist you should really see a doctor as these thoughts can spiral out of control if you don't talk to someone about them. hope this helped in some way
  3. srhx

    srhx Member

    Hi there. My advice would be to go with your instinct and break things off while you still can. You aren't a bad person for feeling the way that you do, but if you stay with someone you don't truly want to be with, it'll only cause problems for the both of you. Trust me, it'll hurt him more if you go through with the wedding and he finds out your feelings aren't genuine later down the road.
    Deety likes this.
  4. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I think that you should not continue to live a lie. The longer you lead your fiance on the more you will hurt him. I don't think you need to tell him about the other guy but I do think you need to be honest and say that you aren't 100% happy in this relationship and that you stayed in it so long in order not to hurt him. It is possible to love someone and not be in love with them. At this point there is nothing you can do that won't hurt him but honesty is usually the best policy. You should speak up before time runs out and you end up "trapped" in a marriage you don't want.

    I think you should talk to him about your suicidal feelings as well. This way he can see just how devasting this situation is for you as well as him. I dated someone for many years and I was in love with him and he didn't feel the same. I was heartbroken and cried, cursed him, and everything but to this day he is still there for me helping me with my depression. Breaking up is so hard to go through but I am so grateful that he didn't lead me on for years and in the end we are still cool. I think the same can happen for you and your fiance. Good luck.
    moxman likes this.
  5. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    My ex did to me exactly what the OP is talking about and it ruined my life and is the main reason I'm going to kill myself soon. Here's to hoping he's stronger than I am.
  6. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    @MyCatWillMissMe I am very sorry to hear that the break up is so hard to handle. Do you think you can stick around a little longer and let us help you through it? Are you seeing a therapist now? I hope if you feel like you are going to act on those thoughts that you will go somewhere and get help.
  7. Deety

    Deety SF Supporter

    This may be blunt, but trust me, your fiance does not want to have his whole life be a lie. Tell him now and give him the option of finding real love without being shackled (through marriage and potentially future children) to someone who is not honest or genuine with him.
    For yourself, I wonder if you need some time by yourself rather than leaping into a relationship with "new guy". Having a four year relationship with someone whilst in love with your ex for (at least) three of these years does not sound healthy. I would suggest the fourth option of leaving your fiance and taking some time by yourself while working through any issues you have with a therapist.
    All the best, take care.
    lightning05 likes this.
  8. I personally think that you should do things in an honest, but very gentle and careful way. Do you have anyone in your life that you trust enough to talk through these things with? If so, I'd say you should definitely seek out their advice on this as well. If not, that's okay too. I just think it'd be best if you were honest with your current fiance about your feelings. It wouldn't be good for either of you for him to be living a life that isn't true, and for you to be depressed because of that. I don't think you're an awful person though - everyone goes through difficult and stressful times.

    I also think that you should wait before pursuing the other person. If that happens too soon, it could make things more stressful for everyone involved.

    In any event, I hope it works out for you and everyone involved for the best
    lightning05 likes this.
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