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looking for strength

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SweetSurrender, Jan 4, 2008.

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  1. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    I'm finding it hard to move forward. I recently became very depressed/suicidal and needed to go to hospital, i am now on different anti-depressants (plus anti-psychotics) but that's it. My pdoc wanted to discharge me the first time i'd met her after 40mins and i have no therapist to talk to in order to try and move forward. So i'm just popping some pills.
    I have no lust for life, i'm simply waking up because my alarm rings. Its been 8wks since i was given these new drugs, i should be starting to feel better but actually because it is taking so long and there is no real prospect of being given more help i'm actually re-thinking suicide options. I'm not as suicidally active as i was before, but back then it was through pure desperation whereas now the thoughts are there because of the mundane pointlessness of it all. My problem is - i can't find the desire to live let alone move forward. Where do i find the strength to fight for my recovery? I used to have it...everytime i got knocked down i would give it my all to get back on my feet, it was important to me to do this. I was actually proud of my strength to survive such horrific depressive episodes. But now recovering...i simply can't be bothered to do it, i can't find the strength to fight again. I think the apathy is more frightening than the thoughts of suicide themselves.
    Also does anyone know how to deal with post-suicidal attempt stress? Every so often i get a flash back of the depression pain and it cripples me. I have a disocciate disorder which makes me feel as though i am 2 people, and i really need to find a way to soothe the part of me that is so hurt. I find this difficult as i can't connect with 'her'.
    Any suggestions or anything would help, even ways to show my pdoc how distressed i am, because she assumes i can manage on my own for reasons i cannot understand! I would just like to feel that spark that used to keep me going even during the worst episodes. I scared that this last bout used all my strength up and i don't know where to find more.
  2. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    Your stress and depression is going to go away. get busy helping others from now on in a field that you enjoy.
  3. einahpets08

    einahpets08 Member

    I know how you're feeling; sometimes it feels like there's no way to express or make another person understand exactly how difficult it is to cope day to day with depression.
    I know it's incredibly difficult and not the advice you most want to hear, but the best strength you can draw now is from yourself.
    A friend once had me sit down and write down ten positive qualities about myself and next to them ten things I could achieve or do with these qualities, realistically and soon. She didn't let me move until I'd completed that list.
    Give it a try; knowing that there are good things in you and the potential to achieve good can help give you the strength to continue.
    All the best.
  4. Oceans

    Oceans Well-Known Member

    hello sweetsurrender

    Struggling with depression is so difficult to say the least. I am also looking for strength as well. Sorry I can't anything more than I'm finding it hard to move forward so you are not alone although it feels like it. Einahpets has offer some good advice.

    good luck on your journey
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    It is hard finding the strength to fight over and over again. Remember that it is the depression making things so hard. It is not who you are. Are there things or people in your life worth fighting for? What would you say to someone else who was having the same struggle you are? Find someone you can communicate your feelings too. They can be in real life or online. Do not make any decisions that are life altering while depression has a hold on you.
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