looking for support

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by anony, Mar 13, 2010.

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  1. anony

    anony Member

    Hi, I am trying to get in to see a psychiatrist, but it is a few weeks away. I guess I'm looking for some kind of support. I typed out this huge life story explaining all my problems, but deleted it as it was way too long. I became disillusioned with life long ago. Most will not agree with me on the reasons, but there is something very wrong with our world today. I count myself lucky when I look at myself among the spectrum of suffering that exists. And yet all I think about anymore is killing myself. I have health problems that doctors never could diagnose but make my life a living hell, many mental problems that make me unable to function but I've never seen a psychiatrist. I have an extreme drug problem that has made all my other problems a lot worse. I think I always used drugs to cope with the anxiety and depression I felt, but I have reached a point where I have a bad reaction to majority of them and my tolerance is so high with opiates that 20 hours out of the day I am suffering from discomfort despite taking large amounts. An obvious solution would be to stop taking drugs, but I think they are really the only small thing distracting me from ending it all. I really don't have it in me to deal with the physical withdrawal, let alone the psychological withdrawal. I know drug-use in themselves cause depression, cause inability to function, etc. But I had those problems beforehand as well so if I stop taking drugs, I think I'll feel worse for a long time. Maybe I could eventually get there, get on some sort of medication to treat my pre-existing mental conditions. I am still left with my health problems, which humiliate me and terrify me at the same time. I have gone through extensive testing three times now and they didn't find much. An MRI of my brain found something that they wanted me to get some appointment with this place an hour away, so they could check it out, but it was going to take a year to get in so I never made the appointment. Besides, some sort of brain problem wouldn't explain all my problems, I'd rather not go into detail. Now I know depression can cause psychosomatic symptoms, which seem very real, but, for reasons I'd rather not go into much detail with, I am certain it's not the case here. My latest symptom that occurred last year when I got sick for about a month, was double vision when looking at sharp visual contrasts, anything bright with a dark background. Anyway, I guess after re-typing this it's still pretty long. Basically, all these problems are huge hurdles in my life and it all just feels like too much to deal with. I'm 26 years old and I've never had a job in my life, my parents never taught me how to be a functional person, the only reason I'm not homeless is because my father is rich. But he just lets me live with him while we both slowly destroy ourselves. I pretty much know what I need to do to improve my life, I just don't think I'll do it. I've never completed anything in my life, I don't even bathe or brush my teeth anymore. I've tried to change my behavior a million times, never succeeding. Thanks if anyone responds, I appreciate any support I can get.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 13, 2010
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hi Anony,

    Welcome the forum.

    That post is fine in length. It held my attention (which not many things do), and if it can hold mine, it can hold others, so you did fine, don't worry about that.

    It sounds like life has been, and is a huge challenge to and for you.

    I'm really glad to hear that you are going to see a psych. I'm hopeful that s/he may be able to offer you some sort of support.

    Through my own ill health I have found that when my mental health problems are better managed, the physical health problems seem easier to cope with, so maybe if you can get to a better place mentally, the other problems might feel or seem more tolerable.

    I wonder if it might be worth making a spider diagram of the things in your life that feel too much to deal with. Then take the ones you view as most important and make other mini diagrams with things you can do in your life that can improve that situation- not necessarily solve it, just improve it somewhat. Sometimes having those things there can make them feel more manageable because its almost like having a plan.
     
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi, wow you sound a lot like me and my battle getting diagnosed with what they seem to think was MS but now they are not so sure, so I feel your pain on the physical issues as well as the mental.

    Regarding the mental that is great your going to see a doctor about all this, that is the first HUGE step to getting better.

    I am glad you found this place because I know you will be provided with the support you are looking for, I was and am.

    Don't feel too down on yourself about the drug thing, many of us have self medicated a lot before we got help for our condition.

    If you would like to talk in PM where it is more private you are welcome to send me a message and I will reply to you, we seem like we share a lot in common and could support each other on many levels.

    Welcome to SF! Bambi
     
  4. anony

    anony Member

    Thanks for the responses. I will try what you said Scum, about the diagram. I think you are right that dealing with mental problems will help to cope with the physical ones.
    Sorry to hear you are having trouble getting diagnosed too Bambi, I was also diagnosed with MS, but after testing they said I didn't really have it.

    And thanks for the welcome guys.
     
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