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Looking forward to it..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Daijou, Sep 18, 2010.

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  1. Daijou

    Daijou Well-Known Member

    Why can't there just be a quick and painless way to do it..
    Why can't everyone I know just forget me so I know I'm not hurting anyone..
    Why do I always feel this way and never seem to escape it..

    I don't know what brought it this time, but I truly and honestly do want to end it all.
    I'm sitting here searching the internet for the perfect way, on the brink of tears because I know I'm not going to last much longer.
    I've got nothing to lose anymore. In fact, I eagerly look forward to what's waiting for me afterwards.

    I don't even know why I'm writing this.. maybe I want comfort in what might be my last few days here, or maybe I just want to know I wasn't always invisible.
    Whatever my reason, I hope I'm able to finally go through with it this time.. :(
  2. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    There's no easy way to die, in my mind, just like there's no easy way to live. Since I have to work either way, I might as well stay in it for the long haul.

    At least, that's what I tell myself...

  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sent you a message and here if you need some caring...J
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I ask myself those questions sometimes too...but then it passes..
    I hope you don't go through with it..hold on ok....
  5. Jodi

    Jodi Staff Alumni

    Hoping you made it safely through the night, and that we hear from you on how your doing ....people do care and things can be helped, please keep reaching out....
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    There is no quick and painless way to 'do it.' Death is an eventual part of life, and it's also the final part. There's no going back once death occurs, so please don't give up on life. What is making you feel this way?
  7. Daijou

    Daijou Well-Known Member

    I haven't done anything yet.. tried to keep myself away from the computer the last few days to see if that helped any.
    I'll try to keep strong, it's just getting harder and harder to avoid thinking about ending my life.

    I honestly don't know anymore, whenever I think I'm happy I just end up slipping back down again. My life isn't the worst, but it's certainly far from great. The people physically here are less than helpful to say the least though.. probably the reason I avoid them and never tell them what's going on with me. :/

    Thank you. I'll be sure to message you if I need someone.
  8. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Being somewhat computer-addicted, I find that getting away from it for a few days is a surefire way to change my thought process. Was it any easier when you weren't using it?
  9. Daijou

    Daijou Well-Known Member

    Getting away from it wasn't really all that helpful. It just meant that I couldn't look at things that would otherwise depress me more, which did calm my thoughts down a bit. But most of the people I talk to anymore are online since I've lost nearly all of my friends in real life, so staying offline makes me feel more lonesome. Probably the only reason it wasn't so bad this time is because I had an old friend visiting for the past week or so, so it wasn't like I had no one to converse with this entire time.
  10. SuicidalAgain

    SuicidalAgain Well-Known Member

    Please don't do it, you seem too nice and inteligent to die. Sure, this world can be very depressing and tiring and we want a rest from it all, but it can also be really pleasing at times.
    I've been feeling a bit down myself and sometimes I need to leave the computer, I feel like I'm unconscious when I'm sitting in this chair, so leaving means that I'm giving myself a bit more introspection. I guess sometimes it's all we need, to observe and understand what is going on with us, for that we must be quiet, to listen to our body and our thoughts but to separate them from ourselves, as if you were watching a depressing movie. It's not because no one else can see/feel what we see/feel that we know exactly what we're going through 100%. Hope it makes sense.
    Be strong :hug:
  11. Arch

    Arch Member

    When I become suicidal, I find the hardest part isn't doing it. I worry about other people, I'm constantly taking care of others, its part of my nature. A simple thought process that I go through is as follows:

    1. I play the scene in my head of whomever finds me, in whatever fashion I have died.
    -by doing this I begin to think how horrible it must be to discover something such as this.
    2. Next, I imagine the reactions of those close to me, or those who have done me wrong.
    -I realize that if I am purposely attempting to get a reaction from someone, it will make no difference once I am dead. I will not even be able to see their reaction, be it good or bad.
    -If this is the case, and I am trying to get a reaction, I'll realize that it is foolish to do so.
    3. Lastly I think about what is making me upset.
    -I do this one last, because generally speaking, thinking about the problem tends to make it more severe in my own head.
    -After going through what is currently making me upset, I pick out the problems that are temporary, and those that are not. I find solutions, real or imaginary, for the temporary problems.
    4. For those problems that I have that I can not solve on my own, or are seemingly permanent, I find a friend, one I can trust, and tell them everything.
    -If I already have a friend who I am talking to about it all, I'll simply restate my problems, if they are a true friend, they will understand.
    -By speaking my problems out loud, It lessens their severity, calming myself down and helping me to realize solutions.

    If all else fails, I have small tricks that help distract me until I have calmed down.
    -Lighting a candle and simply watching the flame flicker, playing with it in a non-dangerous way, or warming my hands by it help calm me down.
    -Calling somebody, it sounds overplayed and cliche, but it distracts you long enough to be calm, at least for the time being. You don't have to talk about your problems, I often say: Just talk to me about anything.
    -Working out, physical exercise will help release some of the pressure you feel built up inside of you. If you don't like to work out, maybe try to go for a walk instead.
    -Escape into your imagination. I personally have a very vivid imagination, so my mind tends to wander. I'll think of a happier memory, or create a story in my head. Drawing, taking pictures, singing, or expressing yourself in some other way usually helps.
    -Simply distracting myself. Finding some way to do something else. Working on something, cooking, taking care of my dog, anything to get my mind off of suicide, even if I'm broken down into tears.

    I found one of the most clever and easiest ways to kill myself. I set a date, a time, location, and how I would do it. I even convinced myself that It was fate for me to die on that day. The only reason I didn't do it, is because I called a friend right before it, and they simply asked me not to.
  12. Daijou

    Daijou Well-Known Member

    I did this one at the beginning of September. I knew I was going to be completely alone that day, so there wasn't much chance for someone to stop anything I would've done. I had even planned out exactly how I'd do it. The only thing that stopped me was just knowing that my mom and grandma would come home and find me. Under most circumstances, that wouldn't have stopped me, but that day they had traveled all the way down to Seattle to sign a legal document for the doctors to pull the plug on my uncle, who had been comatose for two months with no signs of recovery. I knew why they took the trip that day, and I didn't want them to come home after essentially seeing my uncle dead to finding my corpse.. two deaths in one day would've been too horrible for them.

    I've lost any real life friends I can truly trust, which is why I'm on a forum such as this. I've made a few friends over the internet, but very few ever want to talk anymore, and when we do it just seems like they're always busy doing something else at the same time. So I come to SF where I know people will at least listen to what I have to say and give me some sort of advice or support. And who knows? I might actually make some friends here eventually.
  13. Arch

    Arch Member

    I know exactly how you feel here. Its really hard for me to open up to people in person, almost downright impossible face-to-face. I tend to find friends on the internet and we often grow somewhat close, as close as two complete strangers can grow. Though more often then not, I find that once they lose the initial "New friend" interest, they become convienently more and more busy. Too busy to reply to texts, too busy to pick up the phone, etc, etc.

    I'm here to talk if you ever need to.
  14. Daijou

    Daijou Well-Known Member

    I think I could probably open up in person, it's just that the people I have to talk to aren't emotionally supportive, so I usually just keep to myself. The friends I made on the internet were through an online game. But having quit that a couple months back, it seems most of them don't even want to talk since I don't play it with them anymore. Then most of the ones that I really wanted to keep in my life ended up just disappearing as if I weren't worth keeping around.

    A few people from SF have offered themselves if I needed someone to talk to, and it's always nice to have options like that. But I'm incredibly shy, so making the initial contact or reaching out to them is a hard process for me to do. Although I did speak to someone yesterday for the first time in a one on one conversation, and as hard as it was to do, I'd like to be able to do that more in the future and maybe come out of my shell a little bit.
  15. Arch

    Arch Member

    Well if you think of anything I can do to help, just ask. Remember, it doesn't matter if you sound foolish, because we are on the internet, where everyone sounds foolish!
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