looking forward to life and suicidal thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Joyoflife, Sep 11, 2016.

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  1. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Member

    The thoughts fluttered around again yesterday. It feels very much out of my control. At least they weren't persistent. They happened when I was alone. I take Xanax up to 3 times a day, but pdoc prefers only 1. So I've been dropping the other two into one pill container. It got up to about 8 yesterday - nothing fatal as far as I know - and when I looked at it, <Mod Edit:Methods>I decided to separate them out.
    Later after a social function with colleagues, I was distracted with sadness and almost crashed my car by accident. I continued to drive and flash <Mod edit:Methods>" I got home. Relaxed on the couch. Saw the computer. <Mod edit:Methods>
    I was just talking and feeling how much I'm looking forward to football this weekend. A trip in November. I wish my brain would stop doing this to me. It's not at all cool.

    Partial Hospitalization Program starts tomorrow. Hoping it can help.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 11, 2016
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, well done for separating out your pills, I know how hard that can be when in distress. Sorry you are feeling so down.
    I hope the Partial Hospitalization Program helps some bit at least. You do not deserve to feel like this and remember it is not your fault.
    Is there anything specific making you feel this way and welcome to sf. Do you ave friends/family you could talk to?
    Please go easy on the xanax it is very addictive and you will run out and go into withdrawal.
  3. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Member

    Yes I'm talking to friends, family, therapist, etc. Sorry for talking methods. Funny I told a friend today I was suicidal and she said she had been in the past too and mentioned a method. It immediately triggered me. So I understand. Looking forward to tomorrow although a little scared and feeling somewhat...child-like?... for not fring able to handle it myself.
  4. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    @Joyoflife , Do you understand why we have suicidal thoughts? If you like I could explain it to you.

    Take Care
  5. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Member

    Thanks for the chat last night. It helped understand.
  6. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Member

    So I ended up inpatient after 3.5 days PHP. Said I was having suicidal thoughts too often. Made it pretty obvious it was a recommendation but if I said no it'd be involuntary. I get weird physical feelings as I type this. It was both a terrible experience, feeling as if I really lost all control, but also a very safe feeling and needed break.
    I've gone over a week without thoughts sometimes since my discharge. Right now it's been 5 days. Hoping they don't come back but know they might. Added stressors trigger it and I've got a lot. Hoping to check some off but I know others may add too.

    Anyway, that's my update.
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