Looking forward to the future

[aoeu]

Well, my usual threads have attracted supportive responses, and those scare me, so I'm fleeing here.

I started looking forward to the future again today, for the first time in months. This might seem like a good thing... but it frankly hurts. Looking forward to the future generally involves me getting burned when I find disappointment.

Emotions I'm trying to avoid: hopelessness, panic, hope.

It would be easier to just be dead.

 

[chiaroscuro]

I stepped out into an open clearing in the middle of the forest during a storm. I laid down on the grass and let the rainfall soak me for a long time. I closed my eyes and focused on the drops hitting my face. The rain was warm and soft against my skin, like someone's tears. When I stood up, I noticed a heavy, calming euphoria had spread through my body. I arrived home in a trance. I rested in my old armchair, feeling the blood pulsing through my veins, counting out the beats of my heart between the crashes of thunder in the distance.

 

[Sammakko...]

Emotions I'm trying to avoid: hopelessness, panic, hope.

I try avoid all kind of feelings because there is no one feeling without another coming after it. I cannot handle even the first one...

 

[aoeu]

Old thread... Update: not looking forward to the future. Considering going off my meds so I can get desperate enough to off myself.

 

[bluegrey]

Managing your meds on your own, I have experienced will probably give you paralyzing withdrawals or other side effects. Please don't, okay?

I don't like to fall into a hopeful mindset because it makes my inevitable depressive episodes more severe. I just like to maintain a state without extremes- absolute despair or feeling like I've finally gotten it all under control.