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looking within

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Have you ever looked within yourself and realized you hate everything you are?! I mean really and truly hated who you are, I'm at that stage right now, I hate who I am. I hate the fact that I breathe, I hate the fact that I walk this earth, and I hate everything about myself. I just sat back and thought about it, I am what my mother used to tell me I was, whether people will sit here and say "no kelly, that's not true, thats not who you are, you are kind and sweet blah blah bla" RUBBISH!!! FILTH!!!! LIES!!!! I'm not nice and I'mnot kind. I'm everything SHE said I was. I'm worthless, I'm nothing, I'm a bitch. She's right and you know what all I can say to her is she created me, she manipulated my mind into the hateful person that I am today. She molded me into hating and into being vengeful, I modelled after her. I emulated her because she said that's how you should be. Trust no one, believe no one, don't let anyone in, shell yourself off into your world so no one can get in.

Well, my world is lonely, dark and isolated. I trust not many people, i only believe what i feel is believable and I hate everything that I am. I hate it all...I hate the fact that I'm cold and vicious. Sometimes I wish I couldn't speak so my viciousness and hate wouldn't escape, sometimes i wish i was stronger, sometimes i wish i didnt have to cut to feel better, or pop pointless pills to feel better, I just wish that I wasn't me because being me sucks. Being me hurts too much....


Staff Alumni
I know a little bit about self hate as well. I trully hate what Ive done with my life. I hate the fact Ive never finished a single thing Ive started (well almost). I hate the fact im so socially inept at times. I hate the fact I have to drink to numb my thoughts so I can carry on just living.

But Im trying to see the good points to my character, cause people say I actually have some, and Kells I think you need to do the same. I know for a fact you care about people, I know you can be a very creative person, and I know you can be a very loving person. Instead of examining yourself and looking for the faults, look at what YOU CAN DO, and the positive emotions you often display.


Im so sorry to hear ur in so much pain!

Try thinking of it this way. U can be who u want to be, do what u want to do. Nobody else has control over your life and how u chose to live it. If u dont like who u r, then change, become a person that u would enjoy being, become the kind of person u want to b friends with. Having said that, there r some things we cant change about ourselves and its those things we have to learn to accept. For some people it might take a bit longer than others, but just have hope that u will get there!

I hope that things turn around for u really soon and u start to see the kind and funny person that we see u as, and the amazing person that im sure Josh sees u as!

Take care! xoxo
Oh yeah, I can certainly relate to the self hate. Why do you think you are such a bad person? I'm sure you're not, and I'm not just saying it and I'm not lying to you.

I admit I don't know much about you, but I was watching a program the other day, a soap opera, would you believe! (I guess at times they can be educational... :rolleyes: ), and there was this woman, who had done an awfully lot of bad things, I mean, really bad. She was talking to this guy and she said she hated the person she has become, she is such a bad person and she wishes she could turn back time etc but the guy told her, "You are not a bad person, you have just done and chosen the wrong things". And, it's true. Just because you've done wrong doesn't automatically make you a bad person. The fact that you feel negatively towards the things you've done helps because a bad person would not think this, they wouldn't care!

NOW, I am NOT saying you've done wrong at all. Like I said, I don't know much about you. Likelihood is you HAVEN'T done anything wrong and the reason why you hate yourself and you're thinking so badly is because of what your mum has been saying to you. When people say things, we can end up believing them.

You are not worthless. You are not a bitch. You ARE something. You are important! You are! :hug:
Hun, I can so relate self hate. i do disagree with what you have said about yourself tho. I don't think your anything of those things wether you believe me or not.

I really have enjoyed talking to you today. Seriously i have. You make me laugh so much, especially on skype :tongue:

I care so much for you hun, Please stay safe.

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