Looks are everything, i want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HItomorrow, Apr 28, 2011.

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  1. HItomorrow

    HItomorrow Member

    It's been 2 months since the last time i left my home which i can't even call a home, i'm so broke i don't even have a place to live in. And of top of that i'm not good looking enough, it's very hard to live not being a 9 or a 10 on a 1-10 scale. Why did i have to be born? Being poor and not perfect looking, i can't stand it.
    And after years of living in misery i have developed a shitty personality too, i can't stand myself.

    I want to press a button and disappear.It's not so easy, why is life so unfair? Not even granting you a painless and instantaneus death?

    I could stand being poor...but i can't stand not having perfect looks.How can you stand it? A perfect looking guy/girl can have everything in life, it makes me want to cry.

    To make things worse, to improve your looks you need plastic surgery,to get plastic surgery you need money.

    And how the fuck someone is supposed to have money? Lucky those guys having a normal-rich family.I was born from a pig and a dog, fuck my dad even left me with my mother alone.And she couldn't find a way to make money. Wasn't abortion a better option?

    It's so painful, i had to write something.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    look around. there's no such thing as perfect. are you talking about hollywood stars. they get maybe a 2 from me, as most are so shallow and cruel. it's what's in your heart that matters. you say you've developed a bad personality. you can change that. doesn't require any money at all. go for it.
  3. HItomorrow

    HItomorrow Member

    What's in my heart? In my heart there's only pain, so if i can't count on my looks what shoud i count upon? My personality? i don't have one, i don't know how to develope one, after years of being fucked up how do i change that?.

    I'm so selfish and selfcentered i can't do anything, i hate everything, i hate the unfairness.

    I wish i could change myself, i wish i could be social, i wish i could have hopes.
    I don't have dreams, if i had one i know it would never become true.

    I can't stand the thought of living a MEDIOCRE existence at best(If i really work hard, because now i'm at the botton) my worth is less than a worm.

    I'm scared of everything, i'm scared of reality.I'm lonely.
  4. wednesday

    wednesday Member

    I agree that it's not fair that some people are gorgeous and everything seems to fall in their laps and some are not so gorgeous (by the twisted media scale anyway) and they have to work harder and not get as much attention.

    One consolation is that looks don't last, and now that I'm getting older I've found that the ones who depended on their looks for their happiness are even more miserable as it fades, and the lucky ones are the ones who learned to get by and enjoy their lives and relationships without that crutch.

    There is something beautiful about everybody. The only ugly people I see are the ones who hurt other people on purpose and I think they're dispicable to look at no matter what they look like on the outside.

    Feel better.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You can change it is hard but doable you need help a councillor a psychologist maybe some meds but you can change looks are nothing you will learn that in time You can change call your doctor get on meds and get some referrals to councilling to help you okay. hugs
  6. HItomorrow

    HItomorrow Member

    I've tried, meds aren't working a psycologist isn't working. Maybe she was a bad one?
    5 months and i only became worse.

    If looks don't matter then why do i lust beautiful women?
  7. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    You think you have it bad? I was born with a circular birth mark on my eye lid.
    I am cursed, like who honestly has a birthmark on their face that is an almost perfect circle.
  8. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    I have to answer this .Im very very good looking .I have no faults to see ,but I put on weight which Im now losing .
    If I tried to have plastic surgery there would be nothing to change ,I swear.
    I am alone .
    I have NO ONE in my life .I am chronically ill ,no one cares
    I have no friends ,none .
    My family beat me
    My exs raped me and beat me almost to death .
    So you think then ,being good looking is everything
    Thing again and dont be so shallow or so ridiculous .
    I dont mean to be mean ,Im telling you good honest truth .
    Its the unattractive ppl have it best ,.
    I was bullied all through my life ,I mean in school collge ,work
    If I had been terrible looking ,no one would have bothered trying to upset me
    and Im single and all the unattractive folk are married
  9. SuperMoon

    SuperMoon Active Member

    I understand how you feel.
    People don't want to accept it or pretend the world's not like that.
    Even well-meaning people unintentionally treat people differently based on their looks (and I'm just talking a/b looks, not going deeper re: ethnic differences, deformities, etc.)
    I used to have to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I was beautiful. I am beautiful because I was 'created'.
    It worked for awhile. It made me feel better knowing that I didn't have to rely on external validation like other people around me did.
    But, it's funny...with the onslaught of social networking sites, people posting up photos of themselves, people are always judging each other based on looks all the time.
    When you go on one profile and see someone get sooo many comments of how pretty, beautiful, or handsome they are and then another profile user has no one comment on their self-portraits, it's just really sad.
    And, because I have been so hurt/abused, I often feel angry and bitter which means I don't have a sweet disposition/personality. So, I know how you feel about that, too.
    So, I feel ya...but the trick is to find people who are deeper than this. And, if you can't right away, animals are always a blessing to have as companions. Not, like hoarding them or anything, haha...but just to remind you what love feels like.

    Re: Finding Psychologist/Psychiatrist
    Unfortunately, the first one you go to may not be the right one for you. If they were diligent, they should have suggested you try a different medication. I have had to go through several meds/combos, therapists to find the one that fits. We do have to be proactive about getting better help. Don't be discouraged because of one experience. Keep trying to find the right one.
  10. SuperMoon

    SuperMoon Active Member

    I'm so sorry you went through all that...it also seems that, on the other side, people want to destroy those who are considered "beautiful" and break their spirit. I hope you are getting help and finding ways to rebuild your spirit.
  11. HItomorrow

    HItomorrow Member

    You say you are very very good looking. You used very 2 times? Are you a victoria's secret model?
    Anyway if you are as good looking as you say and still not happy you're an exception. If you were that much good looking you just had to go outside and being approached by a lot of guys(girls have it easy) and chose the one for you.If loneliness was your problem.If money was your problem you could solve it by modeling.
    Unattractive people have it best?
    If i were ugly i would have already killed myself. But being unperfect it's painful.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 28, 2011
  12. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    I used very twice becos Im a bit drunk.I think you are not thinking this out.
    Not every one who is good looking can do modelling ,Im very small ,nowhere near a model size and I have big boobs another no no.
    You are fixated on the fact that good looks give you everything but they dont.
    Yeah Im not lying ,I have f all to prove here .Im good looking
    my life is far from perfect and when I go out I dont get approached hardly at all unless its miles away from whre I live
    being good looking doesnt stop ppl hating you beating you or raping you
    I dont have to prove myself to you anyway
    oh yeah girls have it easy
    I ddint have it easy when my face was being kicked in nor when i was being raped brutally when i was psychotic
    nor was i was abused as a child
    yeah life is perfect when your good looking
  13. Nick_K

    Nick_K Well-Known Member

    HItomorrow, it is clear that you are in a lot of pain. You use a number of words that indicate extremes: worthless, perfect, everything, only, etc. This sounds like black and white thinking. It's also very dangerous to assume happiness depends on just one thing. For every aspect of life that we could consider as "if only ...., then I would be happy," you can find miserable people who have everything you put in the blank. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has been shown to help with things like that. Does your current or most recent counselor/psychologist do CBT? If not it might help to find someone who does. Otherwise there is good information on CBT online and that would be better than nothing. Maybe you would respond better to taking care of yourself if it's too difficult to work with a professional.

    On looks, only a small percentage of the population are 9+ out of ten and yet most people are not living the miserable experience you implicate as the destiny of all us with sub-perfect looks. If you lust after beautiful women, is that the main thing in life? What if you had great looks and had a bunch of people with worse looks chasing you just for a shallow one night stand? I think for that reason it is better to be average. There are different tastes between people as well. I know that I am perceived as around a 3 by some people but at least an 8 by others.

    Really it's the pain that is the issue. We all want to escape pain. Except for masochists. I'm sorry that I don't really know what to do about that. I wouldn't be here if I did. I do know about pain though. Usually pain is a signal. Other times pain is a disorder that the emotional system creates too many false pain signals. Just trying to suggest some things to think about.
  14. HItomorrow

    HItomorrow Member

    You're right, these social networks are painful, that's why i'm not a part of them.

    You say you don't have to prove it to me, but you keep saying that you're good looking, you even shared details that there's nothing to change in you. Even if you can't be a model, you can: do porn,club promoter,singer,actress,work on tv,stripper,being a parasyte and live on your man shoulders, or simply get a job and being paid not for your real worth but because of your looks, you see? a whole new world opens up just because of your looks.
    You seem like an exception, your past made your personality,your personality attract the kind of people that fit it.

    I have bdd, i'm obsessed with looks, yes my psychologist did CBT, i don't know if she was doin it right or it just doesn't work on me. I feel so hopeless that the only thing i can do is spend my days on the internet.
  15. SuperMoon

    SuperMoon Active Member

    HItomorrow: Where do you think your bdd came from? How do you think it developed?
    I think Nick_K is right to remember to get out of the black and white thinking and "happiness" cannot be depended on only one thing.
  16. HItomorrow

    HItomorrow Member

    I guess from not being able to attract the opposite sex.
    Happiness is different for different people, some are happy playing an instrument,some are happy listening to music,being in a relationship,etc... for me it's my looks.
    The thing i want the most,but cannot obtain.
  17. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    hey, looks are definitely not everything. i know nothing in the world will convince you of that. it must be really a really difficult and empty life believing that and will only be harder as we age and looks fade. im getting that you actually think you look okay, just not as good as you would like to look. you see flaws in yourself and you hate them. you dont see life worth living if you have them. you think if you were better looking most if not all of your problems would go away and a world of opportunities would open up. i'm not surprised at all the ctb for bdd is not working. lemme guess, next theyre gonna start heavily medicating you for "bdd". i think your therapist needs to take different approach.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 29, 2011
  18. SuperMoon

    SuperMoon Active Member

    What do you think of the black/white thinking? IMHO, I think that is what you are engaging in; especially since you say you're 7-8 out of 10! That sounds pretty good, if you think about it "realistically" and not from a perfectionist eye.

    Have you considered that there are other factors besides your looks that cause the "inability" to attract the opposite sex? Many people are intimidated if someone is attractive or give off an unapproachable vibe, and I'm curious to know whether or not you even do the "hunting"/"approaching"??

    Don't you feel that people that undergo plastic surgery tend to end up looking "generic"?? I can't explain it but there's just something "fake" and lack of of "heart" when plastic surgery replaces the "originality".
    I'm not saying I have not considered it myself and if it is something you think would ease your struggle, then maybe that's something you could look into.
    They do have payment plans and even CareCredit, as long as your credit is okay.
    I'm not saying this is going to solve your issues or even agree with it but it just seems like you're stuck. And, if this is the "goal", then you can take one step at a time to achieve it. I can only wonder that perhaps in achieving this goal, you may still find yourself "dissatisfied", which in the end, would just reiterate this is an internal issue that cannot be fixed through external means.
  19. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    how do you define perfection? the old saying beauty in eyes of beholder is true..everyone is beautiful to someone. everyone has different tastes from music, people, food, holidays they like, clothes...the list is endless. you see yourself as imperfect but that does not mean that others do. do you really think looking perfect will get you everything you want, thats delusional. a perfect looking individual may not have the brains to even work in mcdonalds, and having perfect looks does not mean you can be a model. looks and perfection is all relative. you can seek perfection but you will never ever find it, it doesnt exist. i know some people i see as perfect, and they can be the most unhappy and non achieving people i have met. dont delude yourself that having perfect looks is the route to eternal happiness. change therapist, or try new meds.
  20. HItomorrow

    HItomorrow Member

    I stopped my therapy because i realized that it's useless for me. How can it work for someone who doesn't want for it to work. For me looks are everything, you're exatly right, CTB needs me to accept me for what/who i am and work on other things, but i cannot do that, i cannot accept the reality, i want to look better. Is there medication for BDD? that doesn't make sense to me, like someone who smokes, cigarettes make him feel better so he cannot stop.
    Looks give me hope,sometimes i think i'm the most beautiful guy on earth and i become superconfident, and i get a lot of attraction, other times i feel so average, i become so passive and small, i feel like i'll never be able to attract anyone.
    BDD gives me both happyness and despair, i'm depressed most of the time though(not only for bdd).
    So i crave for looks, i used to spend hours in front of mirrors, whenever outside, i was always looking for reflections (windows,mirrors). Now i hardly go outside, i'm scared, i can't accept not being insanely good looking.
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