looks like im stuck....

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by White Dove, Jul 20, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Stuck here with all of you for a few months at least.... im dying and i cant stop that so i might as well spend my last few months here with all of you , that is unless you want me to leave then i can do that also...

    Well , i went to my doc today and he run some more tests and stuff and my cancer has spread again to more organs this time.. Looks as if i cant win for losing... Chemo and radiation at this point is useless.. so my plan is to go to town in a day or two and see about this hospice and what it is all about and see if they will accept me seeing as how i dont have any insurance...

    Perhaps they can at least give me some type of motre powerfull pain pills.. Doc gave me something else today that has me feeling kind of weird at the moment but at least this cancer pain is begining to ease up some...

    Next thing i plan on doing is sending a short kind letter email type to my current minister telling him whats going on in my life with this cancer , why i have been feeling suicidal , why i have been depressed , why i did not take the lords supper was because i felt like taking my life .... I dont know if he will believe me or not but it is the truth and rather he believes me or not at least it will be out in the open with the congregation there... and if they ask me to leave well i will kindly leave with no questions asked.. it is not like i will be here much more longer anyhow..

    As for the Daltons.. ( thanks castlyes for the info ) they know where i live at and my contact info and if they had truly deeply cared for me then they would have called to at least have seen how i was doing but since they did not then i know they really do not care so i am just going to let that go... I cant make them love me .. i cant make anyone love me and frankly i would and do not blame them.. I think at the hour of my death i will contact my lawyer and have a simple small letter or note stating im sorry for the wrong done to the both of you and end it at that .. and let my lawyer give it to them after i have passed away.. like they do with reading wills , sort of?? this way they will know that i am sorry and they would not have to face me except unless they come to see me in my casket...

    As to my family.. i plan on telling them in a few days and letting them know about my soon death that can not be stopped.. all this time that i wanted to kill myself i just did not realize just how preaciouse life is , but now that i am facing an imminent death and no way to avoide that at my age of 35 it gets to me... It makes you think , really think about just how much good life is and im not talking about the pain and hardship cause God knows i have had mine and continue to struggle with it but we live on avarge 80 years and i only got a few months and will not even make it half of what the avarge is...

    as to those online here , i feel i have lost a dear friend from here because he could not understand me and thought i was to weird for him to help , but if he reads these words , i want you to know that those personal emails really helped me rather you believed it or not.. and the night you sent me those pretty pictures of canada was a night that i had already taken a few....... and was going to finish taking more but then you said you were sorry i was feeling kind of low and sent me that pretty photo.. you kept me alive that night rather you believe it or not.. you did help me.. i feel; i have lost you now as a friend but wanted you to know that you are still a friend to me in my heart , even though we may never speak again.. i love you and i really mean that...

    And to those online here that have pmed me you have helped me in more ways then you could ever know.. all those that replied and pmed me , i thank you and love you from the bottom of my heart...

    Well sorry if this is way to long.. i have battled with depression for way too long but i imagine that my pain will be taken away when i am in Jesus arms but until then , i hope i can be here to chat with all you for a little while.. i have so much to gain and that is a home in heaven if God will accept me and my broken heart.. i cant do much anymore and i cant correct or make things right with some but i can offer my love to him and hope and pray he can accept it...
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad you are with us for a longer period of time WD. Your plans sound like something you should do. I hope it all works out and people understand where you are coming from. Take care the best way you can. :hug:
  3. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Glad your staying here for longer. Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk. I hope there able to prolong your life with the cancer you have.
  4. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    thanks mystic..for the kind reply..

    the med he gave me is called Nexavar .

    it has helped prolong life to others and may help me live up to 10 more months and that would mean i may get to see christmas this year and maybe new years... But the Lord will know when or if that happens or if he decides to take me sooner...

    i went to see about hospice care today and have a appointment with one of the workers this wednesday so hopefully they can help give me something to help with this pain... again i want to say thanks to everyone that has been a friend and helped me through this depression.. i know theres no doubt in my mind that as my days get shorter for me my depression may increase but i know that i have a loving family right here online that fully understands my pain.. love you all.
  5. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you are saying sweetheart, and I know that if the Lord takes you, you will be with Him in Paradise. Enjoy the time you have, but look forward to the future, because you will be with God who will heal your ailing body and comfort your soul. It's scary, because you don't know exactly what to expect, but know that it will be infinitely better than anything you have ever experienced here on Earth. You are so brave. With some special people, God can't stand to be away from them for too long, so He takes them to Heaven sooner than most. People here will grieve for you terribly, but you will be at peace with the Lord.
  6. Cybrsk8r

    Cybrsk8r Well-Known Member

    Glad you are going to be with us a while longer. You've touched and helped a lot of people here. I hope the new pain med works out. :hug:
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Lets hope you can stay with us for much longer then Christmas and new year.
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