Loosing The Battle!!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Stranger1, Feb 15, 2009.

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  1. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Let me start by saying I live two seperate lives, the one hear at the forum, and the one in real life:
    1) My first life is coming on here and trying to be strong and supportive for the members. I care about each and everyone of you...I don't like to see you suffering so I do what I can to try and help.
    2) my second life is the real world. I am at the point where I am finding it hard to keep my head above water. I am loosing my battle with my thoughts. Right now I am shaking and my thoughts are all garbled up. I have to keep going back and read what i'm writing to make sure I am making sence.
    I need to give credit where it's due. Andy has stood by my side since last November and has been there for me thru out all this. My other friends here have also been supportive and I appreciate it.
    I don't know how much longer I can live with this. I fight my suicidal thoughts on a dailey basis and they are starting to take over. I'm not taking care of myself, my hygeine has taken a shit, I only shave when I have to go out somewhere, I'm not eating right. This past week I have been trying to stick to the diet my doctor put me on because I am close to becoming diabetic due to all the weight I have put on.
    I have wanted to die every day for the last fifteen years and nothing I do helps to expedite it. I am lonely but refuse to get in another relationship because of my socialphobia and trust issues. I isolate myself in my bedroom for the last fifteen years. The only time I talk is when I am with my therapist our here on line. I live with my sister and she is my caregiver but I don't even talk to her. I have gotten good at hiding how i'm feeling from her so she has no clue that I have been suffering these last couple of months.
    I was suppose to go into the hospital a couple of weeks ago but couldn't. My augoriphobia, anxiety, and fear went thru the roof and I couldn't walk out the door. I ended up cutting myself to bring me back to reality. I had cancelled all my therapy sessions because I didn't know how long I would be in the hospital. I start seeing her again Wendsday. My fear was because the last time I was in there they came close to sending me to the state mental hospital where all the major whack jobs are. I won't let that happen, I would rather be dead than get sent there.
    I have had my method all these years but have only put a date in affect here recently. New Years was my time and I let some of you talk me out of it. I should have just gone ahead and did it. My suffering would be over!! I am getting closer and closer to setting a new date. I just don't think I can go on for much longer!!! This is no pity party, it is just facts!!! I don't have the strength to bullshit around with this...I don't know if there is any help left that can make me climb back up to where I was five months ago...I don't know what else to say. I think I have covered most of it. If I should do it here in the near future I want you all to know how much being here has helped me over the last year. It's probably the only thing that has kept me alive this long...Take care!!
     
  2. Clockwork Reality

    Clockwork Reality Well-Known Member

    Joe, I'm sorry that you're hurting so much. I wish that there was some "magic bullet" I could say that would take it all away, but unfortunately I'm just a man and don't have access to such things.

    All that I can offer is that you've been a continual source of inspiration to me. Of all the members here, you're the one that I've related to the most, simply because you've "been there, done that."

    That must surely mean something?

    I sent you a PM, hopefully that will help more.

    Feel better, Joe, you're a damn good man.:cool:
     
  3. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    isn't it ironic that we find it easy to dispense advice and help others but we cannot help ourselves? but heck thats life. It's always easy to give advice cos we are not in their situation :) but what you are doing is a noble thing and despite whats happenning to you, you still continue to support others and thats a real achievement. Kudos to you :)
     
  4. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    Hi :)

    I'm sorry you seem to be struggling with things. I don't know you, but I am here if you would like a friend and/or someone to talk to. It can be easy to get totally embroiled in helping other people at the cost of not finding the appropriate levels of care and support for YOURSELF. Perhaps a 'new' friend on here could help - somebody to listen to and support you? I am about regularly if you need someone (even though I am an old fogey lol).

    You take as good care as you can and I'll hopefully speak to you sometime soon.

    Ellie
     
  5. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Hey Stranger.
    I must say, im in excact position as you are.
    days away from making a date.
    Im loosing my battle, just like you do.
    And i hope that if you will find a way to cheat death one more time
    share it with me, if not, we will probbly meet at the after life.
     
  6. achtland

    achtland Member

    Don't leave us Joseph. I was close to doing it on New Year's Eve but then found this forum and each and every time you've been there for me. I know where you're going with trust issues, I have big ones myself (can't even trust my mother sometimes) but although I haven't known you long I do trust you. I think what you say comes from the heart and it isn't a cold one like a lot of people I know.
    :shipwreck:
     
  7. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Joseph,

    I very much doubt the medium of this internet forum can convey to you my honest and most sincere respect for you and the strength you've shown throughout your struggle. You've protected yourself from the onslaught of self- destructive urges for years - you are an inspiration to those of us that suffer similar afflictions.

    The slings and arrows you face daily are incredibly difficult to manage through without it detrimentally affecting your lifestyle and perception of life. I can only begin to imagine the constant torment assaulting your psyche. I would however, make a personal request that you reconsider your plans. Losing you would be a great blow to many people on this site - let alone all your friends and family in the real world.

    Have you tried expressing yourself through arts and crafts, writing, poetry, or banana art? There's also nothing wrong with escaping into the world of video games/movies should the alternative be suicide.

    Some books that have helped me struggle through dark patches have been - Kafka's The Trial
    Dostoyevkski's The Brothers Karamazov
    Fitzgerald's Tender Is The Night
    Hemingways The Sun Also Rises
    and my favorite above all others : Shelley's Frankenstein - she really captures depression well.

    :hug:

    You mean something great to a lot of people.

    Best,

    James.
     
  8. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    my friend

    there's no need to do this, no need to rush headlong into oblivion. i know how bad things can get for you, how you retreat in on yourself and hide your pain away from the world and those that care.
    remember when your grand daughter rushed into your arms and how that felt?
    there can be more times like that, even going down to the store can be turned into something more in time.
    maybe this is my fault, i should have made myself more available but we can change this joseph, we can work this out and turn this around.
    lets face it time we have and its free.
    i am not about to give up on you bud, your friendship is precious to me and i wil be selfish about that, and i know manda will feel the same.

    so, how are we going to try to sort this out?

    here's how we will start, when your ready pm me and we will work thru things one at a time, slowly and see if we can together work this out to suit my selfishness and your future, and you do have one bud, you have just lost sight of it.

    theres no rush, contact me when you are ready.

    i wont give up on you joseph and i wont allow you to give up on your self

    always your friend

    andy
     
  9. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Joseph,

    I for one am glad you are still here & didn't do anything at new year.

    I know things have been stressful for you lately & that's possibly contributed to how you are feeling right now. Would you not re-consider the hospital again? When you spoke about going all those weeks ago you were quite positive about it, unfortunately anxiety got the better of you. I'm not really sure about how things work in the US, but I'm guessing it would be better to go to hospital voluntarily as opposed to doing something drastic & then finding yourself detained against your will & then given timings etc possibly finding yourself in the state hospital.

    If the hospital is not an option then your therapist? She has helped in the past & perhaps getting back into the routine of seeing her again will be beneficial?

    We are all here for you too Joseph & we don't want to see you hurting.

    Take care, Claire xx
     
  10. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    joseph, my hero. .. now. you cannot go anywhere, you just can't. we won't let you- we are all here for you - and even though i '''pester you to death''' you know i think you are the greatest - and you are one of those who saved my life.

    and many others. i am so sorry you are so isolated, but just yesterday, we talked about things...things you were going to do for your health - and i know that one day you will not have to isolate yourself. ..

    pm me. i'll stay up all night. (hey. andy and i are in different time zones. we'll take shifts man. ok? ) don't make me come '''down there. .. right down the east coast'''' cause i'll sit right outside your front door and make sure you are alright. yeah, it's all crap sometimes joseph. but together - we can all - make it through. you are the best hun- and hero to many. pm me, talk to me - or i'll nag ya :hug::hug::hug:
     
  11. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    i a m not in a good headspace for any words joseph but wanted to send you a huge hug xx
     
  12. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Joseph, you were ready to go to the hospital awhile back and do whatever it took to live. Where is that tenacity now? Go to your session on Wednesday and if they feel you need to be hospitalized then do it. Is it possible to go somewhere besides the state hospital if you commit voluntarily?
     
  13. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    ...joseph, can't sleep - because i am thinking about you. hey . whatever goes on, we are here to see you through. .. . we are not giving up on you.

    check in - ok? let's talk about what's going on, ok? ((((hugs ))))) xx
     
  14. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Joseph...... I want to hug you soooo badly, take this away from you, you deserve so much more.
    I do uderstand exactly how you feel, I could so easily have written that post! I'm not sure what to say to make you feel better :(
    You said to me recently that we dont talk much anymore..... you are right. I will make much more of an effort to talk, please dont take it personally, I haven't talked to anyone much lately :hug:

    Whether you feel it or not, you are a very strong person Joseph and your understanding of people is phenomenal. I know I'm not alone when I say I totally respect and admire you!!

    Please be safe Joseph, whatever that takes, do it please :cry:
    I AM around if you want to talk. That is said a lot here at sf but I can't convey to you just how much I really mean it.

    Many, Many :hug: s sent your way, Lea :cheekkiss:
     
  15. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    i really wish i was there to give you the biggest hug right now. you deserve it so much. i really do wish i could take all your pain away and help you see how amazing a person you really are. you said that you'd be my friend for as long as i'd have you and i want you to be my friend always. i dont want to lose someone as amazing as you so whatever is going on you can always talk to me and we'll see it through.. right to the very very end when you know that things are going to be ok. :hug:

    please be safe and i really cannot convey into words how worried i am about such a great person as yourself
     
  16. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    Joseph hunny :hug:
    I just got home and I rushed on this site because I knew that you weren't doing too well.. I didn't know that it was this bad though hunny..
    You know you can talk to me any time about this stuff, please take advantage of that. I feel the same as you, please know that. :hug: I wouldn't be able to go on this site anymore if my Joseph wasn't on here, I wouldn't emotionally be able to hunny. Please don't think that that is meant to pressure you into staying, it isn't I promise, you should know that I'm not like that.
    You are a great and wonderful person. You offer so much love, and relationships aren't everything, I don't see why all guys think that they need a girlfriend or else they will have a horrible life. Live your life to the fullest, if your medication isnt working for anxiety then I would talk to your doctor. Please go to the hospital again, it's what's best for you hunny.

    I love you :hug:
    I hope you know that, and I hope that you know that I am ALWAYS going to be there for you. Always..

    Taylor :hug::cheekkiss:
     
  17. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I want to thank everyone of you.. Your support means alot to me, especially now that I am in such a darkplace..I feel as if part of my lifeforce has been stolen. I have lost what little emotion I had. I promise I will see my therapist tomorrow and tell her all!! I will listen to her advice!! I don't like this feeling.. I know part of it is because I lost it after my brother in laws funeral. When I got home All the emotions I had bottled up came rushing out and totally overwhelmed me. I thought for sure I was having another breakdown. It took a little over a week to at least regain some of my composure. I just feel so drained emotionally right now and don't know why. I keep coming up with possibilities but am not sure if they are what has caused this. I know it has been building since last November when I decided to end it all...I will keep trying that is the best I can manage right now!!! THANK YOU ALL AGAIN!!!
     
  18. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Joseph,

    It is really good to hear that you are going to keep trying. In the end, that is all we can do really. I just want to join the chorus of people and say what an asset you have been on this site! You have helped so many people on here by giving advice and telling your personal story. You've helped me a lot in a few posts. So for once, let us help you! I look forward to hearing from you again!

    Max
     
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