Let me start by saying I live two seperate lives, the one hear at the forum, and the one in real life: 1) My first life is coming on here and trying to be strong and supportive for the members. I care about each and everyone of you...I don't like to see you suffering so I do what I can to try and help. 2) my second life is the real world. I am at the point where I am finding it hard to keep my head above water. I am loosing my battle with my thoughts. Right now I am shaking and my thoughts are all garbled up. I have to keep going back and read what i'm writing to make sure I am making sence. I need to give credit where it's due. Andy has stood by my side since last November and has been there for me thru out all this. My other friends here have also been supportive and I appreciate it. I don't know how much longer I can live with this. I fight my suicidal thoughts on a dailey basis and they are starting to take over. I'm not taking care of myself, my hygeine has taken a shit, I only shave when I have to go out somewhere, I'm not eating right. This past week I have been trying to stick to the diet my doctor put me on because I am close to becoming diabetic due to all the weight I have put on. I have wanted to die every day for the last fifteen years and nothing I do helps to expedite it. I am lonely but refuse to get in another relationship because of my socialphobia and trust issues. I isolate myself in my bedroom for the last fifteen years. The only time I talk is when I am with my therapist our here on line. I live with my sister and she is my caregiver but I don't even talk to her. I have gotten good at hiding how i'm feeling from her so she has no clue that I have been suffering these last couple of months. I was suppose to go into the hospital a couple of weeks ago but couldn't. My augoriphobia, anxiety, and fear went thru the roof and I couldn't walk out the door. I ended up cutting myself to bring me back to reality. I had cancelled all my therapy sessions because I didn't know how long I would be in the hospital. I start seeing her again Wendsday. My fear was because the last time I was in there they came close to sending me to the state mental hospital where all the major whack jobs are. I won't let that happen, I would rather be dead than get sent there. I have had my method all these years but have only put a date in affect here recently. New Years was my time and I let some of you talk me out of it. I should have just gone ahead and did it. My suffering would be over!! I am getting closer and closer to setting a new date. I just don't think I can go on for much longer!!! This is no pity party, it is just facts!!! I don't have the strength to bullshit around with this...I don't know if there is any help left that can make me climb back up to where I was five months ago...I don't know what else to say. I think I have covered most of it. If I should do it here in the near future I want you all to know how much being here has helped me over the last year. It's probably the only thing that has kept me alive this long...Take care!!