just venting. I am not expecting advice or anything. nothing will help me anyway. i am so close to giving up. i feel like if i tell my parents everything they'll be crushed and stressed out at work and won't be able to concentrate and all they'll be able to think about is if their daughter is okay at that minute and if she committed suicide while they were away and they'll blame themselve. they'll think neither of them spend enough time with me (they do), they'll blame the divorce (it's not the divorce), my dad will think it's because he got remarried and had a baby (it's not). it's not anyone's fault but mine but they'll carry all the horrible feelings I have already experienced for so long now. I don't want them to feel it too. if I don't tell anyone, I am so sure I'm going to die. i'm so tired and I can't do this much longer. everything is so fucking draining and I can't do it. lately i have been deleting online accounts and throwing away old journals and pictures and cherrished belongings. i don't know why. maybe it's because i'm leaving soon and it helps me get used to the feeling of myself not being here anymore. i'm scared of what will happen after I die. I won't be surprised if I end up in hell.