lose lose situation

[brokenbutterfly27]

just venting. I am not expecting advice or anything. nothing will help me anyway.

i am so close to giving up. i feel like if i tell my parents everything they'll be crushed and stressed out at work and won't be able to concentrate and all they'll be able to think about is if their daughter is okay at that minute and if she committed suicide while they were away and they'll blame themselve. they'll think neither of them spend enough time with me (they do), they'll blame the divorce (it's not the divorce), my dad will think it's because he got remarried and had a baby (it's not). it's not anyone's fault but mine but they'll carry all the horrible feelings I have already experienced for so long now. I don't want them to feel it too.

if I don't tell anyone, I am so sure I'm going to die. i'm so tired and I can't do this much longer. everything is so fucking draining and I can't do it.
lately i have been deleting online accounts and throwing away old journals and pictures and cherrished belongings.
i don't know why. maybe it's because i'm leaving soon and it helps me get used to the feeling of myself not being here anymore.
i'm scared of what will happen after I die.
I won't be surprised if I end up in hell.

 

[brokenbutterfly27]

I know a train that comes at a specific time and tomorrow I am going to the tracks. I am hoping that there will not be any fences in the way. it's my way out.
i kind of wish someone would forcefully stop me because I don't trust myself. but that makes it seem like I'm too fucked up to know what I want and to stop myself. if I don't want to die and if I want someone to stop me and if I am consciously aware then why the fuck can't I stop myself?
goddamn.

 

[Spidy71]

You need to seek help straight away go to your doc get a therapist talk too your parents as im sure they rather you do that than end up dead as this will destroy them more.Dont jump in front of a train as you will just put another person in a crisis remeber people operate trains.You need to reach out to the people i mentioned and start letting them help you get better we do think we can get through these things alone but sometimes we doo need that helping hand to guide us.Keep venting here as you will also find support.Please take care and take this advivce

 

[youRprecious!]

butterfly - I 2nd spidy - you HAVE to let your parents know you're not happy - that's all you need say to start off the talking with...... let me tell you a story about my best friend and how she and her husband lost their son by doing what you've written there. They had no idea that anything was wrong - although there were a few health problems, they did not have a clue about his psych condition, what he was thinking, etc. because he would not tell them. He had some online friends, and tried to say a bit of stuff to thm, but nothing about his plans......

My friend still says: "if only we had known, if only he had said something, anything along the lines he was really feeling"..... because they would have stopped everything, jobs etc. - taken unpaid leave. Anything, rather than go through what they've been through.

Butterfly, you still have time. tomorrow hasn't come yet. It is not to late to reconsider, please, please do - just say to your mum or dad - "you might not like what I'm about to say, but I HAVE to say it" - and then that is all that is needed to break the ice. Don't worry they will think less of you or be upset, they will be a million times more so if you don't honey.