Loser. Evil.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kath123, Mar 17, 2011.

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  1. Kath123

    Kath123 Active Member

    I hate myself. And I'm scared. And I hate life. And I deserve all of it. Sometimes I want to keep trying. And sometimes I just want to die. Sometimes it changes by the minute. Is this the human condition, and then you die - either way? I am so goddamn awful. I don't feel human. I'm a joke. But maybe it's like this for everyone. It's so hard to get through the day. But life is hard. I don't know what else to say.
  2. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Kath -

    I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

    Sometimes life is tougher than other times and things happen that make it seem like its going to be impossible to continue on and people have thoughts of ending it all.

    But if you can exist and struggle through to the other side then things will start to become clearer and easier.

    I don't know why you feel awful about yourself, but please take care of you.

    you are worth it, take some time for you.
  3. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Hi Kath123
    I can empathize with how you are feeling, as can a lot of members, I'm sure. I know that won't be of much comfort for you, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone in the way you feel. I do not think you are a joke, I think you are someone who is struggling very much right now, and is need of some support. By the sounds of it you have a lot of self hate, and low self esteem.. is there any way you can look into starting therapy, to work through that? I'm almost certain that once you feel better about you, other things will start looking more positive. Keep posting here, and letting people support you and care about you.
    Take care :arms:
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    do you want to talk about why you feel so bad about yourself?

    I bet that you are much better than you think and that you deserve some love!
  5. Kath123

    Kath123 Active Member

    Thanks so much for the supportive replies. I couldn't reply at the time because I thought I was a psychopath and people saying that I'll feel better about myself or that I deserve anything made me feel more hopeless.

    My therapist says I have distorted thinking and I'm not evil or a psychopath. But I often feel evil. I can't think about anyone but myself and I hate myself. That, along with not liking or enjoying my life makes me want to die.

    I don't really want anything from life anymore. I just have to get through it as long as my parents are alive because I can't imagine their reaction to my suicide. Particularly my Mom. I've tried to force myself past that to kill myself, but I can't. Which means I'm stuck here.

    I'm 40 years old. I don't have friends. I am bad at my job. I feel like I've lived way past the point where my life had any meaning. I wish I'd died a long long time ago and I don't know why I'm here. I think I may have lung cancer from smoking so much and I hope it's true.

    I guess that's it in a nutshell.
  6. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    I tried to smoke so I would die of lung cancer, but my asthma got too bad and it was just making me miserable,so I had to quit. That was about 11 years ago. Just went and smoked a whole pack in a day though. :wallbash:
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