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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RedBall, Jun 18, 2010.

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  1. RedBall

    RedBall Member

    Everything is getting hard for me. I feel sick all the time. I'm fat, ugly, not very clever and find life such at strugle all the time. I've been depressed for as long as I remember and hate myself for not killing myself 4 years ago when I had the chance. Part of the reason I think I didnt kill myself was so I could prove to myself that I would never amount to anything so I could then go kill myself.

    I'm so messed up that I cant even sort myself out to kill myself! Loser :-(
  2. fannin

    fannin Member

    Wish I could help. I'm damn low myself.

    Is this non-stop pain or were there remissions in the last four years? Any trigger or event like a break-up?
  3. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Wow, you have so much self-hatred. If you are smart enough to get on the internet, find this forum and post something so descriptive, then you are not giving yourself credit for your abilities. Many people cannot even do that and they consider themselves smart.
  4. RedBall

    RedBall Member

    I tried to keep myself busy to take my mind of wanting to kill myself but the things I was doing to keep busy were making me worse in the long run. Almost every day I hate myself for not killing myself. I used to get angry about it but now I feel tired. I feel like its time to accept what I've always known. If I was anything other than a looser I would not be in the place I am now.
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Redball. First of all, you are not a loser. Everyone goes through difficult times in their lives, it's just a part of life. What makes the difference, is how we deal with our problems. You shouldn't keep calling yourself a loser, because eventually you start believing it and it becomes difficult to pull yourself out of the rut that you're in. There must be some positive aspects about you Red.
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member


    You know I feel the same way about myself. I regret just not killing myself on my graduation day.

    As for not being clever, I think we are clever. We just are not as quick as some others. That kind of thing takes practice.

    You identified being fat and ugly, two things I can relate too as well. Why not fix them? The fat part is an easily...Ishmael fixable thing. There are many ways to lose fat. The ugly... well I am hoping that being not fat will make me feel better and maybe smile more or something to project happiness. I have been told that makes you attractive to the ladies.

    Why not join me. Lets make ourselves not ugly. I am on a 10 week regiment I just started. Join me, help me stay motivated.
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Re: Not

    Sounds like a great plan. :)
  8. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

  9. RedBall

    RedBall Member

    Thanks for the words of advice.

    I cant see how someone that has tried as hard as i have and failed as big as me can be anything other than a looser.

    I've tried to loose weight before, I lost 5" from my waist earlier this year, but I was still fat, and that was after months of hard work. And I dont think I was looseing the weight because I was healthy and feeling better, I think it was just part of my problems. Now i'm too tired to loose weight. Eating is the only thing I can do that is fun. I'm very lonely but I've been like this for so long i dont know how to let people in. Not that anyone wants to be friends with someone like me.

    I'm worried that I'll mess up killing myself and have to be alive for longer with even worse problems.
  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    have you had any professional help?...therapy, counceling, meds?
  11. RedBall

    RedBall Member

    Yeah i've had professional help a few times :-( I dont remember much about thoes times because I was in such a bad way.
  12. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    maybe they could help you if you try again?
  13. RedBall

    RedBall Member

    They didnt work the other times, and if I'm getting help I'm still going to be alive :-(
  14. monnie101

    monnie101 Member

    You have to find a therapist or doctor that you like. It's sometimes difficult to find good ones just as it's hard to find a good mechanic, good cop, etc. Hang in there. I wanted to kill myself many times too but something keeps holding me back. I keep thinking something has got to give. My life got a lot better when I got on disability. I'm so thankful for that.

    Do your best to hang in there. I'm a self-loather too. I'm not fat but I don't have much energy or ambition, so I'm going to join Planet Fitness gym. (The "we don't judge anyone" gym) They say exorcise helps kill depression. I have to try it. I have chronic fatigue syndrome and Fibromyalgia. I try to tell myself that there is always people worse off then me. There is always someone worse off then us.

    Hang in there RedBall. It's tough and life can be a cruel joke at times but it can have it's good moments too. If I could pick, I'd pick never to be born but I can't. Hope you feel better. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
  15. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I can relate to the getting fat part.. I gave away all my skinny clothes because I no I have no motivation to get that skinnt again.. I have just accepted the fact that I am fat and always will be..I agree that dailey excercise helps with the depression.. If you don't feel up to it then at least go for a long walk dailey..
  16. RedBall

    RedBall Member

    I know what your are trying to say but it does not feel that easy. I had to stop going to the gym because I needed the money for other things. I walk for about an hour each day and I want to go jogging, but I find it hard to get the motivation up. The park near me is a good place to jog but lots of people go there and they are experienced jogers and it just makes me feel worse. I hate the summer because everyone is out in tshits and I dont like to go out :-( I cant stand another summer like this.

    I've accepted this is who I am so now I want it to end.
  17. monnie101

    monnie101 Member

    Have you heard of this website called meetup? It's really great. I wish I had registered there a long time ago. It is at www.meetup.com

    You can find all kinds of groups including depression groups. You can find groups to join for people trying to start out exorcizing and people trying to lose weight. I recently bought a motorcycle and was seeking new good friends. Well it took some time for me to have the guts to join but I'm so glad I joined the motorcycle group and went on 2 meets already. Everyone was so nice and friendly. They even really wanted to go to bike weekend but I don't have the money. Next I'm going to join a depression group and a beginner exorcise group. People help each other in it from what I read.

    At least go to the site and register, make your profile and look around. They have a group to join for everything! It has helped me some. Helped me find much better friends then the ones from my rough neighborhood that drank too much and did too many drugs.
  18. RedBall

    RedBall Member

    Thanks for the suggestion of joining a group, but I'm not very good at doing things like that :-( I prefer to be by myself at the moment. I don't see why people are going to start likeing me now after years of being hated.

    I'm not being ungrateful for the support that people are giving me here. I just feel beyond help. I'm so messed up at the moment that I cant even think straight enough to try and kill myself. I'm beyond help :-( Sorry if i sound selfish. I dont mean to be.:shy:
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