I'm severely depressed and have been all my life. First suicide attempt was when I was 17, and there have been many in the years that followed. I'm now 23 with a great job, full benefits and all, my own office, and I work full-time for the government. I should be happy but I'm miserable. No matter what money I make or job I have, things I change or medications I take I'm always back in this hole. I'm bipolar, ptsd, border line personality and massively depressed. I live at home with my mother and just pay her rent because I'm so unstable that I always try to kill myself when I live alone because I suffer from sleep paralysis and hallucinations. I'm always checking my vehicle constantly because I think someones trying to steal it and I live in the suburbs with multiple government workers and police officers in my neighborhood. I've had hallucinations in the past of thieves breaking in and having me at gun point and there's literally no one there. It's hard to explain but I'm losing my mind and have seen spirits since I was 11 and am constantly battling what's real and what's not. I always try to keep my two cats near me to see if they react to what I see and hear. It's entirely random like banging on my door, etc. I'm just so sick of fighting to live normal and taking so many Damn pills to function. I have a pharmacy in my house of all the pills and the last time i overdosed I ended up waking up in the ICU 2 days later then was rushed to the ward and locked in a padded room and recorded. I have been in the ward multiple times for weeks at a time and usually lie to get out. As you probably already know I go through jobs quickly because most won't put up with me or I just quit going and end up in the hospital. I'm buried in dept with medical bills and student loans. And relationships with men are out of the question since no one wants to deal with me, not even my family. My mother is so sick of coming home and hiding all of my alcohol and cigarettes and pills because I'm always trying to end it. I'm in my office now with my door shut and I'm just crying uncontrollably. I hate waking up each morning to do anything and my therapist and psychiatrist don't believe I can handle full-time work and really want me on disability but I was once again denied. I've been thinking crazy things like driving off the highway, jumping off the roof of my building or pretending i have a gun since the police department is next door and there's always loads of officers in here and hoping they'd shoot me. I am just lonely and miserable and pray everyday to die. I don't see my future and when I'm at work I do nothing lately but sit in my office and look up ways to kill myself painlessly. I'm allowed to remote into my work computer and work from home sometimes but when I do I literally just lay motionless in bed with everything off for the entire day and don't work on anything. I'm constantly thinking negatively and horrible things about myself and am so stressed out I can feel my skull cracking and am light headed. I can't even sit and watch tv anymore I just don't enjoy anything at all and all of my friends are noticing my bad drinking problem. I drink to get blacked out and not remember and smoke so much in hope that I'll get cancer and die sooner. I actually got excited a few years ago when they found a best tumor, it doubled in size in a month so they freaked out and had it removed our was benign but began sprouting so they feared it was turning malignant. I just wish they would have left it in me. Wish I would have died from it now I just have an ugly scar. Surprised I haven't killed my liver with all the shit I do to it and the overdoses. Had another one recently and just threw everything up and didn't go to the er because I didn't want to be saved. Just don't know what I'm doing our why I should even try anymore like I never asked for this. I never asked for life and I think it's messed to not be able to take it because religion says it's not yours. Then why try and live and be a little show for God or whoever? Why go through so much pain and keep going? What's the reason and what's the reward? I was supposed to be aborted so why did my mother change her mind last minute? Why am I here I'm the black sheep of the family. My siblings are happy with their master degrees and fairytale lives. I just hate mine. They weren't raped at 17, or beaten like I was growing up. Everyone loves them. I just bury and bury and explode and I just want to end it all and stop failing at suicide. You know how embarrassing that is? I'm not important and I don't make the world a better place so why should I be here?