Losing Battle

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Starrbaby235, May 1, 2014.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Starrbaby235

    Starrbaby235 Member

    I'm severely depressed and have been all my life. First suicide attempt was when I was 17, and there have been many in the years that followed. I'm now 23 with a great job, full benefits and all, my own office, and I work full-time for the government. I should be happy but I'm miserable. No matter what money I make or job I have, things I change or medications I take I'm always back in this hole. I'm bipolar, ptsd, border line personality and massively depressed. I live at home with my mother and just pay her rent because I'm so unstable that I always try to kill myself when I live alone because I suffer from sleep paralysis and hallucinations. I'm always checking my vehicle constantly because I think someones trying to steal it and I live in the suburbs with multiple government workers and police officers in my neighborhood. I've had hallucinations in the past of thieves breaking in and having me at gun point and there's literally no one there. It's hard to explain but I'm losing my mind and have seen spirits since I was 11 and am constantly battling what's real and what's not. I always try to keep my two cats near me to see if they react to what I see and hear. It's entirely random like banging on my door, etc. I'm just so sick of fighting to live normal and taking so many Damn pills to function. I have a pharmacy in my house of all the pills and the last time i overdosed I ended up waking up in the ICU 2 days later then was rushed to the ward and locked in a padded room and recorded. I have been in the ward multiple times for weeks at a time and usually lie to get out. As you probably already know I go through jobs quickly because most won't put up with me or I just quit going and end up in the hospital. I'm buried in dept with medical bills and student loans. And relationships with men are out of the question since no one wants to deal with me, not even my family. My mother is so sick of coming home and hiding all of my alcohol and cigarettes and pills because I'm always trying to end it. I'm in my office now with my door shut and I'm just crying uncontrollably. I hate waking up each morning to do anything and my therapist and psychiatrist don't believe I can handle full-time work and really want me on disability but I was once again denied. I've been thinking crazy things like driving off the highway, jumping off the roof of my building or pretending i have a gun since the police department is next door and there's always loads of officers in here and hoping they'd shoot me. I am just lonely and miserable and pray everyday to die. I don't see my future and when I'm at work I do nothing lately but sit in my office and look up ways to kill myself painlessly. I'm allowed to remote into my work computer and work from home sometimes but when I do I literally just lay motionless in bed with everything off for the entire day and don't work on anything. I'm constantly thinking negatively and horrible things about myself and am so stressed out I can feel my skull cracking and am light headed. I can't even sit and watch tv anymore I just don't enjoy anything at all and all of my friends are noticing my bad drinking problem. I drink to get blacked out and not remember and smoke so much in hope that I'll get cancer and die sooner. I actually got excited a few years ago when they found a best tumor, it doubled in size in a month so they freaked out and had it removed our was benign but began sprouting so they feared it was turning malignant. I just wish they would have left it in me. Wish I would have died from it now I just have an ugly scar. Surprised I haven't killed my liver with all the shit I do to it and the overdoses. Had another one recently and just threw everything up and didn't go to the er because I didn't want to be saved. Just don't know what I'm doing our why I should even try anymore like I never asked for this. I never asked for life and I think it's messed to not be able to take it because religion says it's not yours. Then why try and live and be a little show for God or whoever? Why go through so much pain and keep going? What's the reason and what's the reward? I was supposed to be aborted so why did my mother change her mind last minute? Why am I here I'm the black sheep of the family. My siblings are happy with their master degrees and fairytale lives. I just hate mine. They weren't raped at 17, or beaten like I was growing up. Everyone loves them. I just bury and bury and explode and I just want to end it all and stop failing at suicide. You know how embarrassing that is? I'm not important and I don't make the world a better place so why should I be here?
    Last edited by a moderator: May 1, 2014
  2. iicookieii

    iicookieii Active Member

    I'm sorry that you're in such pain right now, and I have no idea how it must feel to have hallucinations interfere with your everyday life.

    Do you think that it's the hallucinations that are causing the most turmoil in your life? Do you think if you could treat them your life would be inproved signifigantly?
  3. mark b

    mark b Well-Known Member

    Sorry you have such a lot to deak with.

    I wonder if a review of your meds might be a good starting point. If you have so many in store, this isnt always going to help, in case some may not be required any more.

    Do keep us updated please.
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Starrbaby235. Sorry to see you are having a hard time at the moment. Being hard on yourself is difficult and causes issues for you. You achieved a lot given the trauma you experienced when you were young but you need to deal with one day at a time. Perhaps reviewing you medication is the start you require and speaking to someone.

    Please keep posting here, so we can provide you the support you require. Remember you are not alone in your darkest moment. Remember your had the courage to post here and that's something positive to focus on. Just deal with one day at a time.
  5. Starrbaby235

    Starrbaby235 Member

    I feel that even if the hallucinations are gone I'll still be in this rut because the depression and everything else is still here.
  6. Starrbaby235

    Starrbaby235 Member

    My original psychiatrist is nothing but a pill pusher that always reschedules on me last minute and it takes months at a time to see her. So I'm trying to get in with a new psychiatrist at my therapists office but he has been out of patient or whatever you call it so he's getting in to patient but it's taking forever for both my insurer companies to give him the green light. Just because of the health insurances that I have and if I paid out if pocket he's $250/hr I believe. And that's way too much! I know I should probably look for someone else but this therapist I have at that office I've had four a few years and she had been the only one to really help me and I trust her so I trust her judgement when she says he'll be perfect for me. I'm at my office again, I was late today because I couldn't get out of bed and my truck is in the shop so I had to take my mother's car. I just feel like no one cares what's going on with me. She just cares about her rent money from me and my job just cares about what work I do for them. I can't even reach out to anyone and when I reach out to one of my best friends all she says is "idk what to tell you but change your routine and stop doing what you're doing." Which doesn't help at all. I'm just so stressed that my body is acting strange, like whenever I try to eat after a few bites I get very bad gas/heart burn and have to keep burping to feel a bit of relief. It lasted yesterday from lunch time until about midnight. So I haven't really been eating justa bites here and there twice a day. I was praying all morning that I wreck on the way to work.. just want to give up. In my office with the door shut again. No one knows and no one cares.
  7. Starrbaby235

    Starrbaby235 Member

    In my office again, I think my bosses are beginning to suspect. I have not been productive, social, or anything in the norm. I am usually bubbly and happy but haven't not been all last week or today. I spent my entire weekend in my bed sleeping. I didn't go anywhere or do anything besides feed my cats and change their litter box. Sometimes I wish I could just be a cat. Atleast be one of my cats, they're beyond spoiled and eat expensive foods, lots of moist treats, toys, vitamins, skin moisturizers, brushes etc they're always up to date on shots, physicals, etc. I just love them more than people, they don't judge me so I take care of them like children. Just wish I could be a cat and not worry about anything and just Sun bathe. My head boss added me as a friend in Facebook I think he's trying to find things, either looking for bad things to fire me or something else Idk. Just feel like my days are numbered here. When my mother dropped me off at work this morning she said "please don't quit today" she's referring to my job and can see that I'm spiraling down once again. I just sighed and walked in. I've lost 6lbs last week because I haven't been eating much so I'm back into the 90lbs Mark. Just not hungry, not happy, and not motivated. I want it to end so badly but religion gets in the way. I always get scared that moment before I black out when I think I'm really about to die. Then I wake up ashamed and disappointed.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.