I had someone ask why I was feeling depressed and I told them it was because I constantly screw everything up. Which is true. I guess the thing that gets to me the most is when I lose my best friend/FP. That's the only person I really trust in my life. I can't trust my family and never have. I can't really connect with them either so, I've always been closest to my best friend. I recently lost my best friend for a shit ton of reasons and won't go into that. I feel lost without her in my life. I'm not sure if it's for good or if it's just until I can get in a better place which honestly feels impossible at the moment. Of course there are moments when I feel like I'll get this figured out and all of a sudden lose all hope for the future. I wish I could talk to her and tell her I'm sorry for all of the bullshit and things will change. I need someone I can connect with and she's been that person since I've first become friends with her. Hopefully telling myself that she doesn't care is just a lie I'm telling myself. Honestly she was really the one who's been there for me when I needed someone to talk to. So, the fact that she never cared is a lie and why I keep telling myself different I don't know. Or even start to believe it for that matter. I wish I didn't do stupid shit to screw things up. Or even have these stupid BPD symptoms that ruin everything as well. I'm on medication again but, honestly don't think the lithium is helping. Maybe go back to the olanzapine. It'll make me gain weight but, that's something I'd put up with if it helps. I need to do some trauma therapy as well (not going into that either honestly not positive on what the trauma is at the moment). I have to have hope that I can get better and possibly get her friendship back. I also recently got back into DBT for the third time. Anyone else borderline and constantly lose their FP? I'm honestly tired of it. I told her I wasn't going to bother trying to find someone new to take her place in my life. Keep having people add me on Snapchat and it's not going to happen. Uninstalled it because getting on it anymore just reminds me that she's not there to talk to. I'll know if she ever adds me back and I probably won't reinstall it until then.