Losing control of self-harm SA urges. *trigger*

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by feathers, Sep 9, 2011.

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  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I have urges/a need to be raped. The first week I ever switched it was really strong and really difficult to resist. I needed the feeling of helplessness so much that I considered going against every safety guideline women should follow on nights out etc. in order to stay safe from sexual predators.

    At first I could dampen these urges by convincing one of my friend's alters (two, actually. Fred and Francis) to properly rape me (to wait 'til I genuinely didn't want it and then force me). It seemed to work for a while but it's building up again. It's becoming not enough for someone I know and trust to do it. Also it's obviously a bit fake because the alters in question could be stopped by my friend if ever he deemed it necessary. So it'd always be like role-playing for him and it would never be genuine. Not to mention the fact I have a close relationship with him and I am attracted to him and am sleeping with him anyway. It just isn't real.

    It's not a simply rape fantasy like a lot of people seem to fantasize about. I don't want to role play. I want the actual danger. I get so jealous when I hear of people who are abused or raped because I want it so badly. I don't even care if my potential attacker is young or attractive. In fact I find myself attracted to the Hollyoaks character Silas Blissett who is 60 years old, just because he is a serial killer/preys on young women and I wish I was being abused by someone like that. I dreamed once that I was in hell and being raped by an old-ish man and despite the dream being traumatising for Jodi, I loved it.

    It's becoming an addiction, something I need, something I can not resist. If it's been a while since the last time I was 'raped' by one of the alters it builds up really bad and I get temptations to do what I can to actually get raped by someone for real. I know this is stupid and a rapist might kill me etc. but it's something I want/need really badly. I don't have a therapist at the minute (we saw a cognitive behavioural therapist on 31st but since it was therapy intended for 'short term depression' it really was no good for us, and the therapist recognised that) so I'm left to struggle with this. It's not something I can fight against either; because I want it so badly. The longer it goes on the more likely I am to try to get what I want. And I don't see what's bad about it as long as I don't end up dead or damaged beyond repair. It doesn't psychologically damage me as far as I can see. I get the genuine feeling of being raped during but afterwards I'm always fine.

    I don't even know why I have these urges. I've never been raped in my life (other than by the alters in question if that even counts) so I'm not recreating abusive situations that I've been in before.

    I don't know what to do. I need this to stop. But the health service won't f*cking help me.

    Soph xxx
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Do not play with fire and keep yourself safe...why wont the health service help you? Hoping that you are OK
     
  3. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I don't know why they won't help. The psychiatrist I see seems determined to be right that what is wrong with us is mild to moderate recurrent depressive disorder. But with that diagnosis he is saying I don't even exist so how am I meant to get help for this? :(

    Soph xxx
     
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    What have you told him in regards to what you are experiencing?
     
  5. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    We've told him all sorts of what we're going through. Jodi told him of mine and Aaron's existence last time she saw him and that she saw HIM in the shadows and he told her to kill herself. She told him about her extremely elated moods for like 2 months and extremely depressed moods for like 5 months every year. He says all of this is just 'mild to moderate recurrent depressive disorder' and he just wants to pawn us off into CBT or something.

    Saw our GP today. Getting referred to a different psychiatrist. Hopefully she will be better.

    Soph xxx
     
  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hopefully that will be much better for you and Jodi. You must be as honest as you can. I have no idea what it is like having different personalities within you but I do know what it is like to see shadows and voices etc. Hope things go well.
     
  7. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    Please be careful, fantasies of this nature can easily lead to a nightmare.

    Take gentle care of yourself.
     
  8. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Putting this here as a reference for the difference between safe rape fantasies and rape fantasies as a form of self harm. Which may explain also why I put this thread here instead of anywhere else.

     
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