Losing Control....(poss trig?)

Im not sure how much longer i can maintain control. I feel the most violent urges towards myself, i really want and need to cut, stab, maim at every limb of my body. Turn it into little fragmentations of human flesh and leave it soaking in puddles of blood. Im scared. Im not sure if these feelings and ideas are coming from my own head or somewhere else. Theyre gone for now, but they keep coming back..again and again Its confusing the hell out of me, i cant tell which are my visions of violence or if theyre coming from somewhere else. I cant fucking take this crap anymore. Not knowing when im gonna flip back in the pits of a fucking head case. Im getting better at coping with this bullshit and other such things. But im not sure how much longer i can keep fighting....im exhausted, i dont know what to do anymore.
I havent harmed my self for 18 months and have putting up the barrier against
suicidal urges...i cant do it anymore

 

That shit is the worse. The ugre of self mutilation and the release of pain through pain. Its emotional hurt that you can physicaly feel.
Have you gave in? I hope not. Keep strong. Its hard as fuck though.

 

I hope you didn't give in to the urges and thoughts and that you continue to keep fighting against them. It's quite a big achievement not to hurt yourself for 18 months, in my opinion. That's a great thing.
Please try thinking about how long you've managed without hurting yourself, tell yourself how great it would be if you could make that into a way longer period of time..
I hope you're feeling better by the time you read this..

 

Still here

Now i dont know why the fuck i am

Fuck, now im a hypocrite

 

I think that in a way everyone on this forum is a hypocrite, so don't beat yourself up over that... Everyone here wants the others to stay alive and fight while often people want to die themselves.

You may not be happy that you're still here but you don't know what the future can bring. Please keep fighting. It may be worth it in the end.

 

:dry:
From the seams of the soul of all people...We are all hypacrites.
Sayings things but not applying them to ones self, even though the statement involves you.
As of.
"I would never jump from a plane"
But the next morning go skydiving from...
Jetplane Number-Im a big fat fucking liar-25

What am I talking about?
I have a tendency to complicate things.
Your first post is most descriptive....do you write?

 

thanks guys, you are both right about that one.

yes perishable, i do write...prolifically in fact

 

Let me tell you something that is very powerful and can set you free from emotional struggle.

The trick to emotional freedom is to not fight against negative emotions. Instead, swirl around. See the emotions as something for you to look at, just like a movie. Something you can learn from. Don't let negativity overwhelm you. Making you think of stuff like self-mutilation, etc.

Just think of it right. What is it that makes you do harm to yourself? It's YOUR dependency of negative emotions. You seem to out of irrationality and no awareness convert it into... actions. Why? You tell me, that's the irrational part. But now you know, you become aware of it. And now you can work on it.

So what do you do? Set yourself free from it. And how? Just realize all those things what I just told you. They are emotions and just that. Don't take life so serious. You need to enjoy it!

Read these words VERY carefully: Don't let emotions take over you! Instead, YOU must lead. Beware, you are YOU. Beware you are THE bringer and taker of life. You are YOU!

I really hope you understand what I am saying. I understand where you are at, but please take the time to read my post through carefully.

Lotsa love

- Expedion

 

As do I.
Horror. (Perhaps a little too obvious I suppose :tongue.
I have no intention of publication, Just an in-depth outlet. You?

18 months is a nice full year and a half. *pat on the back*
Couragous if anything. What was there before that triggered the feeling to hound on you again?

Those words kind of contradict themselves in a homorous manner.
Generally, You live, you die. I find that solemn...Straight to the point, but serious. Then, also, it is hard to enjoy something normally, when your not so normal...Especially if there is nothing to 'enjoy'. Your advice is brillant and sheer...(simple, as so to say...again, straight to the point). But my mind is immensely-intensely complicated. (haha)... Help me.


What is there to enjoy?

 

I have asked myself that same question time and time again.
In the end the answer to that is different for every person. Some people find enjoyment in playing computer games, some in reading, some in making music, others in walking through nature. I guess everyone will have to find their own answer to that... :dunno: