Losing Control

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by notwanting2live, Jul 24, 2008.

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  1. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    :sad: Im feeling as if I am going to lose control soon. Ive done so well and Ive got a new job and everything. But all the negative thoughts that i suffer with are getting stronger, and suicide thoughts are in my head. I dont want to act them out so much now. But i can see if i dont contain them, and dont stay in control i will end up attempting, and will make sure that i succedd. I dont want this to happen, as Ive never felt this positive, or in control before, but Im losing it. I havent drank for 3 1/2 weeks, but each day the craving is getting stronger. I am likely to drink before the week ends, and i dont want to becuase it makes me very impulsive, and i usually attempt to end my life each time. I am self harming alot more, and I am using aersols, to stop me losing control, although this is eventually gonna make me lose control. I dont no what to do, my counsellor is not back for another week 1/2 but i dont think i can survive that long. I have the option to speak to someone else, who has seen my case n stuff, but i have not been able to develop the connection, so i feel uncomfortable. Im losing control completely, but im really confused because Im loving my job, and everything is going kind of ok [some problems but dealing with them through SH] so Im really confused about what is happening to me. Does anyone have any sugestions, to help me get through the next week as im finding it really hard. Please help me, Im at my last wits end. I cant talk to my friends or family, as they will worry about me and i dont want that, as it aint fair, as i should be under control now. I dont no its just getting to me so much. :sad:
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    My only suggestion is to realize that things are not all black and white..we lose some 'control' or feel worse and then we can feel better...about the covering therapist...speak to him/her...although you do not know him/her that well, as least s/he will be a source of support until your other therapist returns..also, go into chat or ask ppl you know to contact you so that you have another source of safety...and please continue to post so that we know how you are doing...big hugs, J
     
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I think you should go to the hospital. But you would have to let your boss know the truth. So we need to come up with another way. You said you can see another therapist, Is there any reason you don't want to go that route. How about your doctor, can they squeeze you in? It sounds like that is going to be a damned if you do or damned if you don't situation. I would start with the therapist and let them know you have a new job and you are feeling pretty proud That you have found something you like to do. Let Her/Him know you are having some of your old thoughts and are there any coping skills you can use to make them back off. I will hold you in my thoughts and hope you get the help you deserve...:chopper:
     
  4. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    Re: Losing Control - its even worse now

    I cant talk to my boss about it, becuase if they new that i have been sectioned, and that i am starting to get really bad thoughts then i would be sacked, and probably re-assessed and i dont want that, its the best job ive ever had, and i do enjoy it, well not so much recently, but you no what i mean. they cant no that i have been sectioned, as once you hve been sectioned, to deal with the elderly, and to give them medication, you have to be mentally right [like not depressed] this is becuase half the meds in the cupbords could possible kill me if i take them, as they are really powerful stuf. I would never even think about taking them, as i care too much for the residents, and they need them to stay alive, and sane as possible. but they may not believe that, i dont no if i believe that anymores, becuase one day i could easily just crack and ill be at work with all these pills. so the hospital is out of the option, i am feeling worse and worse each day, and so much more unsafe each day

    its not that I dont want to see her, but its just ive built up trust with the one i usually see, and ive only recently started doing that. I dont want to waste other peoples time, and I have told her this. My counsellor does not want to see me so Im not fussed, obviously she didnt say this, but im guessing thats why she trying to push me to another shrink, aint it?

    yeh sure my doctor would squeeze me in. Im ment to be seeing him every 3 weeks for assessment, to see if I need to go to the nuthouse hospital again. this is why I dont want to go there. cause everyone will just prejudge me, and think that is the ony option. I havent seen my doctor in about 7 weeks, because last time i was sectioned, i refused him to see me, as i didnt want others to get involved.

    I want to speak to the new counsellor but like i have already said, I have already had 1 CPN so i dont want to mess with some one else, and yeh I am proud about my new job, but already when Im there, im now starting to think that even the residents who i work with, hate me, and that I am making there last few years/months/days even worse, just for myu living. I also think of how bad im being, considering that they've thought through the war, and most of them have illnesses that there is no cure [dementia, parkinson etc] and they are stil fighting to live, and theres me wanting to die, when they think i have a future ahead of me when i cant see that. My thoughts never left, and Im starting to get really worried about them, as they are actually getting worse. Im starting to freak out. I drank [alot] last night and it helped me so much, as It blocked all of the pain for a little while, until i cut and took some tablets. I havent been to hospital as it werent serious, but im suffering today.

    this quote is from sad eyes, and im not expecting everything to be black and white, but my family do. they seem to think just because i have a job, and im acting happy that im not going to screw up, and also that all my confidence is up and self esteem and shit like that. [sorry for language]. Im finding it so happy to 'lean' on my family, when they seem to think that ive got everything together. I asked my mum when i got out of hospital, i asked her that when she got the phone call from the police saying i was getting refferred to **. ******* mental hospital, was she shocked. Do you no what she said which hurt me so much. [becuase i have been admitted to hospital so many times before this, my parents were always so pissed off wid me.] she responded that she was happy. becuase at least i had a mental illness, and that i would be able to go on meds and get better, and that its not becuase of stuff that has happened to me, and that she aint got emotional difficulties. i was crying by this time. I cant tell my pyshc. this becuase she will say my mum was in shock or something like that, and defend her. I dont want people to defend her, like they do all the time, sorry to say but the day i came out after being told im not mentally ill, and that i just have issues with the past present and future, and my self, that my mum cried and siad oh great i just have a really fucked up daughter. That made me hurt so much more as well. I no this should really be in a different thread and not one that i started origianlly but i think this is all connected. My mum wants me to get better, and stop wasting her time. this is the whole point i dont want to keep on messing everyones lives up inc. mine. but i cant help it. at the moment i am feeling really reallyt suicidal, and all i think of is that i have nothing to live for or anything, and that im better of dead. I am also getting voices back in my head, these are what did go, but my shrink [my las one - CAMHS] said they aint voices, its you just turning against yourself. but they dont no what its like when i have a really bad episode when i black out from being me, i cant explain it properly, but they are getting more reaccurent and i just cant deal with it. my mates wants me to get better so i can go out drinking with them again without ruining their night by ending up in the cells, or in hospital from ODing, and I dont want to live like that either, but thats how i feel at the time, and im starting to go insane, becuase i cant deal with so much stuff.
    well thats all ive got to say for now. thank you for taking your time to read and reply. thank you.
     
  5. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry that you are so far down. It's a hard place to be, full of hopelessness and helplessness, an unsafe place. I've been there and still look over the edge of the hole a lot. Being in that place quickly becomes addictive. I've had this feeling sometimes that I feel comfortable when I'm suicidal because I know the place. Kind of distorted crazy thinking for someone who's not there. It's hard to break free of the addiction. One book I read was called The Suicidal Trance. It takes a ton of hard work, a lot of tears, a lot of help from counselors and therapists, some help from meds, and along the way there are BIG bumps in the road. But - always the "but" - there is a road that leads out of the place we're in. And sometimes we have to overlook things others say and do. They probably want to help, but they've never been where you are. Do what you know is right for you. Don't get off the road onto detours for too long at a stretch. The right road is out there. Hope you find it.
     
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