Losing faith in anyone truly caring at all

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LastChoice, Jan 11, 2014.

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  1. LastChoice

    LastChoice Member

    My life story is one that anyone who has experienced any drug addiction and a Family that put friends up to feeding their member a rope just waiting for them to hang themselves is enough to make anyone want to commit suicide. I have realized that I have been lied to and have been molded to fall into the hole I'm in now. Everyone around me smeared my name. Even my wife and she is gone and All I can do is blame myself for being so ignorant. I have come to realize that my marriage was all part of a plan to teach me a lesson. Sounds crazy doesn't it. That's what I keep asking myself is why. What I have been facing is enough to blow anyone's mind. My life story and what I have come to realize is enough to fill books although I can't gather myself to even think of writing books as I'm trying to recover from the disaster of a blow that has been dealt to me as I find myself scrambling on the canvas floor trying to gather myself to get back up. The only problem is there is no referee there to hold back the relentless opponents that keep swinging and kicking. I'm trying to be strong for my two children in prayer that the dust might eventually settle and maybe God might work a miracle in the end. Although, all hope is gone. I went to a hospital thinking that that might put an end to the games and harassment and all that did was make things worse. All my phone calls and internet usage are filtered through a third party it seems and I beg my wife or she is striving to be an ex that is, to put it to rest for her children and all she does is add fuel to the fire. I want nothing more than to be given a fair and honest chance at trying to turn my life around even though I have been smeared publicly. There has been so much invested to invade on my privacy and make my life a living hell that I cannot think of anything helping the situation than to just end my life. The only problem is that if I attempt it I want to make sure it is 100 percent because I don't want to have to go through what I know I would go through if I failed. All my dreams seem to have faded. I know that as I type this that there is someone filtering this and will let me know through their grapevine of telephonees that they caught this message. I have no privacy. I pray day in and day out that I actually have a God given chance to prove to my Children that they were the only people on this earth that gave me the strength to just keep going. The only thing I fear is the falsity of a future and I am just being led to a dead end or something even worse. I pray for someone to actually care and help and all I get are the same games. It's bad enough that I screwed up and am losing my wife, but to find out that I have been misled my whole life and my baggage was spread without me even knowing it is just putting me over the edge. I was run out of a job that I had hopes of being a lasting career as the friend that helped me get the job was one of the people that was in on the whole thing. I could go on and on but I do not know what to do anymore. I see no way out other than actually taking my life. The sad thing is is that is actually what people are wanting me to do. I'm sure that I'll just get back the same game playing that has been going on for such a long time but I figured this might be my only chance at getting some true compassion. My wife knows who I really wanted to be and who I strived for our family to be although, I now know that she never married me out of love but out of opportunity. She did everything she could to keep me from getting the family on the right path. Now I have lost my way and am on the verge of letting the count go to ten without even trying to get up. I actually began to plan suicide but I just don't want to give up on the what ifs with my children. They are the only thing in this life that is actually keeping me strong at all. If I told all that has been done to me no one would believe me anyway. I just do not know if I can endure anymore than I already have and I'm having a hard time believing it could get any better.
     
  2. LostInPain

    LostInPain Well-Known Member

    I'm in a similar position. My wife, who I loved with all my heart and soul, the one person in the world that I trusted implicitly, has revealed herself to have been using me. Her lies have led to my stepdaughters and her family (which has been like my own family for the last 12 years) turn against me. She has manipulated me so that I'm financially ruined and will not be able to recoup hardly anything from the divorce - so here I am at 55 with no family, no wife, no daughters, the clothes on my back and no money or equity to speak of. At best, I can look forward to being lonely and miserable for the rest of my life and ultimately becoming homeless when I'm unable to work any longer. To cap it off, I got terminated from my job when they found out I was looking for another position (the company is going bankrupt anyway). I've got a brother who loves me but is a thousand miles from here. A few good friends, but they're scattered across the world. All I ever wanted was to love and be loved. Is that so much to ask? I've been loyal, faithful, loving, attentive and all I've gotten out of it is kicks in the teeth. It's been about a month since my whole world started collapsing. I don't spend each day sobbing the way I did, but I don't have a more positive outlook on life either. I'm beginning to think that what will ultimately happen is that I'll try to make a go of things, find a new purpose in life, but that one day I'll just give up and end my life. Honestly, if I could receive a lethal injection right now I would take it. I hope I'm wrong, but with each passing day, I believe that I'm not I hope you have better luck than me. In fact, here's to hoping for the both of us, Last.
     
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