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losing focus

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by diafwcc, Feb 8, 2009.

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  1. diafwcc

    diafwcc Member

    i just want to start off by saying that i read quite a few posts in these forums before creating my own topic, and i feel ashamed of my current state because i'm not dealing with anything as bad as most people that post here... but that doesn't change how i feel.

    I'm 19 years old and in my first year of college. I have an anxiety disorder and I have suffered from chronic depression intermittently since I was 13 years old. I have low self-esteem and very little sense of self worth. I picked a major that I hate and am currently on my way to simply flunking out of school (already on academic probation). I lie to people that are close to me and tell them that I am doing fine in school, it's easier for them not to know and I don't care to tell them. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and I hate that because I feel like I have no purpose.

    I used to think all I would need in life was enough to make me happy. The problem is, nothing makes me happy any more. I joined several student organizations at the beginning of first semester, but dropped out after a couple of weeks when i realized that it was making me more anxious than happy. I tried (unsuccessfully) to have a relationship first semester, and am failing once again this semester. I have friends, and sometimes I feel better when I hang out with them... but sometimes they just depress and/or bore me even more

    The last time I was truly happy was 2 years ago, before my last relationship ended. I was shattered when it ended and I don't think I ever fully recovered, for a long time after it I was withdrawn and distant with a lot of people, and even now when I thought I was over it, it seems to still be following me. I have hooked up with a couple girls in the 2 years since then, but at 19 i'm still a virgin (which may seem like nothing to some of you, but personally i wish that had changed by the end of high school at least) My mother is about to get divorced from her second marraige, further re-inforcing the idea that love is a falsification and I will never have it.

    I was ok with all of this for the past month or so because, like I mentioned, I had met a girl that I was really into. We have been hanging out together for almost a month now, and she is one of the coolest people I've ever met. There is definitely a spark/chemistry/whatever you want to call it between us and we get along great, so for a while my mood was brightening. I told myself, "forget about all the other stuff, if you can make this work, maybe life isn't so bad after all." Hinging your happiness on one thing doesn't seem very smart, I know, but it is what I needed to tell myself to get out of the rut I was in.

    And it worked for a while, I have really been enjoying myself the last couple of weeks. Of course, I've also been smoking a lot of weed and drinking occasionally so maybe that has colored the situation a bit for me. But when I hang out with her I am genuinely happy, and she usually seems happy too. The problem is that, now that I am pretty sure it's time to "make a move" or something similar to let her know my intentions, anxiety is eating at me like disease. I sat with her and a friend at a pizza place last night for 20 minutes and could not think of a single thing to say to her (never used to have any trouble thinking of things to talk about w/ her), didn't say anything at all for that matter. I don't know how to approach the situation, it's been so long since I've had an opportunity like this, with somebody I really am into. This was my last bastion of happiness on the planet, and if I screw things up with this girl (though it is starting to feel like when to me now) I don't know if I will be able to take it. I fear that being rejected here will take me back to where I was 2 years ago, and I can't go back to that place... it's taken me too long to get back to where I feel like I can do something about that feeling. I want so badly to be physically intimate with her, but too much fear grips me to the point that I feel like there is no reason any girl would be interested in me.

    I don't know where else to turn, nothing makes me happy and I'm too embarrassed to talk to any of my friends or family, no matter how close to me, about this because my problems seem so stupid (not to mention anyone who knows me personally will unavoidably have bias in their advice). I know it is dumb that I can't do a better job of dealing with this on my own, but I feel like a failure and if anybody has some advice for me I would appreciate it. Suicide is not the answer to my problems, but lately I have been thinking that it would certainly make them all go away. I'm running out of reasons to keep getting up in the morning (technically, the afternoon - i suffer from insomnia and rarely wake up before 2 pm now)

    (if you actually read all of this, thank you)
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 8, 2009
  2. tendenCs_89

    tendenCs_89 Well-Known Member

    hey and welcome to SF
    I think I can relate to quite a lot of what you say, even though Im 2 years younger than you, I deal with a lot of the same kind of stuff. I have anxiety as well, and I have to say that you should never think that this horrible affliction is inferior in any way to most of the people's problems on here. It is a bitter cycle of over-analysis, constant fear, and no self worth (for me anyway, it might be worse/better for you) I guess something that helps my anxiety is therapy, and calming techniques are good as well. Try and focus your energy on small things, then larger, then larger of what you want to achieve or improve. Your still young and your whole life is ahead of you, so Id try not to be too worried about whats happening to you, (which is quite hypocritical of me to say).
    I mean as an extreme and frankly unrealistic scenario, you could stop the major you are doing, and take some drastic action to achieve what you want. Sounds crazy but tbh is your 19 i reckon you could getaway with it, seeing as it will only drop you back about a year or 2.
    With the girl thing, I know how you feel Im only comfortable around girls I have no interest in whatsoever. But if you do have a spark then youve got to realise and say to yourself that "she likes me because of me", so hopefully that means you can try and stop desperately trying to keep it going well.
    As for the sex thing, try not to worry about it, is she does really like you, she wont care that its your first time (in fact quite a few girls are inta that Ive heard).
    But yeah, to summarise, i guess try and get some therapy. Try and think about what annoys you/creates insecurity and solve it taking simple steps.
    Try not to worry about pleasing your girl so much, as she must like you for who you are.
    Also maybe lay off the weed a bit (again hypocritical of me to say :D )
    Take care and PM me anytime you want
  3. Seerbrum

    Seerbrum Well-Known Member

    Hmmm sounds like your just out of Focus... on purpose.

    If you aren't comfortable with yourself, you can't achieve much of anything. A sad truth I've only realized.

    Work on your schooling, go out with that girl and force yourself to touch her hand, sit as close as you can (but not on her lap mind you).

    And making someone else your last bastion of happiness... A VERY BAD IDEA. I've done it twice now and both times it nearly killed me.

    There's a very shitty saying I hate it, but it always rings true "You can't love some one else, if you don't first love yourself."

    I'm not trying to be hard on you dude, just take it from a guy with experience, you need to wake up one day and decide what you want, what you need, and what needs to be done so you can enjoy YOUR LIFE.

    A lot of anxiety can go away once you feel comfortable with yourself*. And no matter what happens in the end, if you can get your life on track, your life in a place you want it to be, then you're better off no matter what happens.

    *(so I'm told, I've never expereince anything but contempt for my life but... digressions).
  4. diafwcc

    diafwcc Member

    thanks both of you.

    tendenCs- i was seeing a therapist last semester, it definitely helped me. my anxiety was much worse last semester and some of the things he taught me have helped. idk how much more it could help me though, it's all a matter of whether i can apply what he's been telling me now (though i did see him again last week). thanks for the additional advice, i'll remember that.

    Seerbrum- your advice didn't come off as too hard, i was in a crappy mood last night and you're absolutely right, i try to remind myself of things like that when i feel down but sometimes it doesn't really help. i'm feeling more optimistic about things right now, hopefully i can make some small progress this week.
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