I don't know what to do. i never know what to do.
A little background on me: I'm 30 and after diagnosed with a chronic llness I counsciously decided to zero my social life; this was when I was 20. not having friends nor enjoyng sociality was hard but not so much. I managed quite easily. After all, it was my decision, and I think it was the best thing I had to do stay with myself (the only one I trusted apart my nearest relatives), neither having responsabilities with friends.
Have to say I never had close friends neither before.
In my youth too, I was always a bit afraid with people; I always had the tendency to avoid people and thought they could harm me more than give me something good. Not that I was clearly "sociophobic", but it was the tendency. I had the tendency to limit all the situations I thought I could appear ridicolous.
Then it happened that last year I was hospitalized for my chronic disease; it was after years I literally did not do nothing for the illness, but this is another history. The doctor in the hospital advised me (really obliged me) to consult an analyst so that I began a route with his support.
The analyst advised me to do something, as I could be helped doing something to recover a bit of social life and to forget my suicidal tendencies. So I found a "course" and I was one of 18 people, 18 new people to know and 18 new people to "restart" as they did not know nothing about me.
It seemed the right solution: I had good moments at the course and above all I knew a good, nice, friendly person. Beware both of us are males so it's not a "love affair", it's just a friendship, or what I considered something near "true friendship" affair.
In few months we discovered many common points, also something different you know everything is different, but we shared the same age, we both shared a little bit of social particularity, I thought we both have a type of intelligency and irony many people just can't grab.
I literally adore him, don't know if he had never adored me, but this friendship was really good, the best I ever had for sure. At the point I told him almost everything about me, something only my closest relative know, and he also told (before me) many things about him.
So what happened the course finished. We continued to see each other (usually there were also someone else, but sometimes not), and, although something always happens when you see for much times in the week a person, something unconvenient that you could have avoided to do, everything seemed definitely good. We chatted online each day, just to say hallo how are you today, too. That nice things I suppose you can do with a friend.
I was so happy, I found a friend. I found that special friend I could always call and I would always allowed to be called, that friend to tell everything, our fears, anxiety, to share our happiness, and so on. After ten years I thought it was nice, I thought there are also superb people out there and I would always thanked my luckyness to have found him.
Really, it was true happiness.
But sometimes the world ends to warn you you'd better not illude yourself. And this was the case. July was the last month we spent that way. August was terrible. Last time I see him was August the 3, one month ago, cause I called him and request him; but I already noticed something changed. He became cold. Never contacted me anymore, and when I called him on chat, his answers appeared to be... How can I describe them? Cold, so cold. As I was disturbing him. I am sensible, and easily find when I notice something change.
I asked two or three times what was happening, and asked information if I had done something bad. I am sincere, he already told me in the previous months that some aspects of my attitude were not good and he warned me, I agreed and absolutely tried to do my best to tune myself in the optimum way.
You know I lacked "relation" and "friednship" training for 10 years and probably I needed time to express my feelings at best. But he always assured me there wasn't a no-no problem and not so unforgiveable about me.
But I felt responsible for this just because he was so special for me. When I began the course I didn't expect myself to find friends. But after finding 1, I wanted to keep it strong in my hand and continue our life, when possible, together.
He said that August was not a good month for him, but it wasn't my fault. It could be the case. But the fact is now he never calls me. I feel embarassed whan I call him and I can't find the courage to ask him how is he doing, or to go out sometime. I'm thinking I'm losing him cause he definitely wants to lose me, but don't want to tell it to me, perhaps because he can't take that rule. Yes he says it's not my fault and attempt to assure me about, but I'm sure, I have the tendency to believe to my perceptions, I perceive he... don't know, perhaps he is hating me. He hates me and I hate the life and this world.
I can't describe all the things happened in those months narrowed our relationship but believe me that there were so much important for me. Something I found really special.
Now everything is reduced to be a "being afraid to say a word" thing and you suppose it's better to forget about it and come back to the old habits.
But it's hard. Until you don't know a good friend, you don't know what it happens when you lack him. That was the case before in my 20s.
I'm sad and again, much, much depressed.
Don't have the willingness to do nothing, just in the depression way.
I feel empty, my heart feels empty, and sad, 24h/24.
Can't think about nothing else. Again I'm wondering what's the sense. I lost respect for everything as noone can reach that closeness that sense and feeling of true friendship. This is true desperation in fact.
Still I consider him a great person and the worst thing is I consider myself responsible of everything could be happened and took to this situation, and that way consider myself useless and my life absolutely not worth to be lived.
A little background on me: I'm 30 and after diagnosed with a chronic llness I counsciously decided to zero my social life; this was when I was 20. not having friends nor enjoyng sociality was hard but not so much. I managed quite easily. After all, it was my decision, and I think it was the best thing I had to do stay with myself (the only one I trusted apart my nearest relatives), neither having responsabilities with friends.
Have to say I never had close friends neither before.
In my youth too, I was always a bit afraid with people; I always had the tendency to avoid people and thought they could harm me more than give me something good. Not that I was clearly "sociophobic", but it was the tendency. I had the tendency to limit all the situations I thought I could appear ridicolous.
Then it happened that last year I was hospitalized for my chronic disease; it was after years I literally did not do nothing for the illness, but this is another history. The doctor in the hospital advised me (really obliged me) to consult an analyst so that I began a route with his support.
The analyst advised me to do something, as I could be helped doing something to recover a bit of social life and to forget my suicidal tendencies. So I found a "course" and I was one of 18 people, 18 new people to know and 18 new people to "restart" as they did not know nothing about me.
It seemed the right solution: I had good moments at the course and above all I knew a good, nice, friendly person. Beware both of us are males so it's not a "love affair", it's just a friendship, or what I considered something near "true friendship" affair.
In few months we discovered many common points, also something different you know everything is different, but we shared the same age, we both shared a little bit of social particularity, I thought we both have a type of intelligency and irony many people just can't grab.
I literally adore him, don't know if he had never adored me, but this friendship was really good, the best I ever had for sure. At the point I told him almost everything about me, something only my closest relative know, and he also told (before me) many things about him.
So what happened the course finished. We continued to see each other (usually there were also someone else, but sometimes not), and, although something always happens when you see for much times in the week a person, something unconvenient that you could have avoided to do, everything seemed definitely good. We chatted online each day, just to say hallo how are you today, too. That nice things I suppose you can do with a friend.
I was so happy, I found a friend. I found that special friend I could always call and I would always allowed to be called, that friend to tell everything, our fears, anxiety, to share our happiness, and so on. After ten years I thought it was nice, I thought there are also superb people out there and I would always thanked my luckyness to have found him.
Really, it was true happiness.
But sometimes the world ends to warn you you'd better not illude yourself. And this was the case. July was the last month we spent that way. August was terrible. Last time I see him was August the 3, one month ago, cause I called him and request him; but I already noticed something changed. He became cold. Never contacted me anymore, and when I called him on chat, his answers appeared to be... How can I describe them? Cold, so cold. As I was disturbing him. I am sensible, and easily find when I notice something change.
I asked two or three times what was happening, and asked information if I had done something bad. I am sincere, he already told me in the previous months that some aspects of my attitude were not good and he warned me, I agreed and absolutely tried to do my best to tune myself in the optimum way.
You know I lacked "relation" and "friednship" training for 10 years and probably I needed time to express my feelings at best. But he always assured me there wasn't a no-no problem and not so unforgiveable about me.
But I felt responsible for this just because he was so special for me. When I began the course I didn't expect myself to find friends. But after finding 1, I wanted to keep it strong in my hand and continue our life, when possible, together.
He said that August was not a good month for him, but it wasn't my fault. It could be the case. But the fact is now he never calls me. I feel embarassed whan I call him and I can't find the courage to ask him how is he doing, or to go out sometime. I'm thinking I'm losing him cause he definitely wants to lose me, but don't want to tell it to me, perhaps because he can't take that rule. Yes he says it's not my fault and attempt to assure me about, but I'm sure, I have the tendency to believe to my perceptions, I perceive he... don't know, perhaps he is hating me. He hates me and I hate the life and this world.
I can't describe all the things happened in those months narrowed our relationship but believe me that there were so much important for me. Something I found really special.
Now everything is reduced to be a "being afraid to say a word" thing and you suppose it's better to forget about it and come back to the old habits.
But it's hard. Until you don't know a good friend, you don't know what it happens when you lack him. That was the case before in my 20s.
I'm sad and again, much, much depressed.
Don't have the willingness to do nothing, just in the depression way.
I feel empty, my heart feels empty, and sad, 24h/24.
Can't think about nothing else. Again I'm wondering what's the sense. I lost respect for everything as noone can reach that closeness that sense and feeling of true friendship. This is true desperation in fact.
Still I consider him a great person and the worst thing is I consider myself responsible of everything could be happened and took to this situation, and that way consider myself useless and my life absolutely not worth to be lived.
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