Losing friends

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by each day a nightmare, Sep 3, 2011.

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  1. I don't know what to do. i never know what to do.

    A little background on me: I'm 30 and after diagnosed with a chronic llness I counsciously decided to zero my social life; this was when I was 20. not having friends nor enjoyng sociality was hard but not so much. I managed quite easily. After all, it was my decision, and I think it was the best thing I had to do stay with myself (the only one I trusted apart my nearest relatives), neither having responsabilities with friends.

    Have to say I never had close friends neither before.
    In my youth too, I was always a bit afraid with people; I always had the tendency to avoid people and thought they could harm me more than give me something good. Not that I was clearly "sociophobic", but it was the tendency. I had the tendency to limit all the situations I thought I could appear ridicolous.

    Then it happened that last year I was hospitalized for my chronic disease; it was after years I literally did not do nothing for the illness, but this is another history. The doctor in the hospital advised me (really obliged me) to consult an analyst so that I began a route with his support.

    The analyst advised me to do something, as I could be helped doing something to recover a bit of social life and to forget my suicidal tendencies. So I found a "course" and I was one of 18 people, 18 new people to know and 18 new people to "restart" as they did not know nothing about me.

    It seemed the right solution: I had good moments at the course and above all I knew a good, nice, friendly person. Beware both of us are males so it's not a "love affair", it's just a friendship, or what I considered something near "true friendship" affair.

    In few months we discovered many common points, also something different you know everything is different, but we shared the same age, we both shared a little bit of social particularity, I thought we both have a type of intelligency and irony many people just can't grab.

    I literally adore him, don't know if he had never adored me, but this friendship was really good, the best I ever had for sure. At the point I told him almost everything about me, something only my closest relative know, and he also told (before me) many things about him.

    So what happened the course finished. We continued to see each other (usually there were also someone else, but sometimes not), and, although something always happens when you see for much times in the week a person, something unconvenient that you could have avoided to do, everything seemed definitely good. We chatted online each day, just to say hallo how are you today, too. That nice things I suppose you can do with a friend.

    I was so happy, I found a friend. I found that special friend I could always call and I would always allowed to be called, that friend to tell everything, our fears, anxiety, to share our happiness, and so on. After ten years I thought it was nice, I thought there are also superb people out there and I would always thanked my luckyness to have found him.

    Really, it was true happiness.

    But sometimes the world ends to warn you you'd better not illude yourself. And this was the case. July was the last month we spent that way. August was terrible. Last time I see him was August the 3, one month ago, cause I called him and request him; but I already noticed something changed. He became cold. Never contacted me anymore, and when I called him on chat, his answers appeared to be... How can I describe them? Cold, so cold. As I was disturbing him. I am sensible, and easily find when I notice something change.

    I asked two or three times what was happening, and asked information if I had done something bad. I am sincere, he already told me in the previous months that some aspects of my attitude were not good and he warned me, I agreed and absolutely tried to do my best to tune myself in the optimum way.
    You know I lacked "relation" and "friednship" training for 10 years and probably I needed time to express my feelings at best. But he always assured me there wasn't a no-no problem and not so unforgiveable about me.

    But I felt responsible for this just because he was so special for me. When I began the course I didn't expect myself to find friends. But after finding 1, I wanted to keep it strong in my hand and continue our life, when possible, together.

    He said that August was not a good month for him, but it wasn't my fault. It could be the case. But the fact is now he never calls me. I feel embarassed whan I call him and I can't find the courage to ask him how is he doing, or to go out sometime. I'm thinking I'm losing him cause he definitely wants to lose me, but don't want to tell it to me, perhaps because he can't take that rule. Yes he says it's not my fault and attempt to assure me about, but I'm sure, I have the tendency to believe to my perceptions, I perceive he... don't know, perhaps he is hating me. He hates me and I hate the life and this world.

    I can't describe all the things happened in those months narrowed our relationship but believe me that there were so much important for me. Something I found really special.

    Now everything is reduced to be a "being afraid to say a word" thing and you suppose it's better to forget about it and come back to the old habits.

    But it's hard. Until you don't know a good friend, you don't know what it happens when you lack him. That was the case before in my 20s.

    I'm sad and again, much, much depressed.
    Don't have the willingness to do nothing, just in the depression way.
    I feel empty, my heart feels empty, and sad, 24h/24.
    Can't think about nothing else. Again I'm wondering what's the sense. I lost respect for everything as noone can reach that closeness that sense and feeling of true friendship. This is true desperation in fact.

    Still I consider him a great person and the worst thing is I consider myself responsible of everything could be happened and took to this situation, and that way consider myself useless and my life absolutely not worth to be lived.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 3, 2011
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I wish the friendship had lasted. :hug: Kind regards...Mr. A
  3. Degenerate Escapist

    Degenerate Escapist Well-Known Member

    What was so particular about him socially if you don't mind me asking? Maybe that has some relevance as to why he's not acting as friendly toward you.

    It's important to remember there are other great people out there who are worth getting to know. Friends are easy, but good friends are hard to find. It's true there are a lot of ignorant people out there, but if you're observant you should be able to sift through the bad ones. Be nice and people will often treat you the same. Friendship is an important thing, and I find it hard to go without having someone there.

    You've gone a long time without friends, and now that you've lost a good one, you must be feeling horrible. It's hard. I've lost a bunch for different reasons. Things change. People change.

    I hope you don't give up on life. Your friend might need you one day. You'll find other people you admire and share things with. And you can overcome your social problems in time.
  4. DesertWolf

    DesertWolf Active Member

    Look I’ll be honest with you, keep in mind that I don’t want to be rude, I would like to help you, and tell you what did you wrong in my opinion. I have some very good, true friend, with some of them we know each other for 12 years, so I think I know some things about friendship :)

    When I read this, I was waiting to the point where you realise you’re gay :) You’re writing about him as he would be a god, or at least a perfect human being. I think you were much more dependant on him and rely on him what a friendship can stand.

    You wrote that: now that you lost him, you consider yourself useless and your life worthless. That’s too much. Look, friends can give you help, a LOT of help, but friends are not for giving the meaning of a life. Friends can give you a lot of help solving your problems… but they can’t solve them, it must be done by you.

    Male-male friendships are usually not so close friendships. Yes, you can get help from them, etc. but usually between a male-male, deep emotions are only discussed if there is a VERY good reason. Rarely, and only between really close friends.

    If someone expects too much from a friend, yes, it can be very uncomfortable, bothersome and sooner or later the „friend” will try to escape from the burden he didn’t wanted. You expected way too much from this friendship. I personally, never call someone a real true friend before a friendship of 5 years! In 5 years, most people who do you think they are friends disappear, and only the true friends remains.

    But don’t feel sad, friendship works the same way as girls: there are a lot of disappointment, but if you find the true one, it will make worth of all the trying! ;)

    And of course, this is just my own opinion, you were in that situation, so you must decide if I’m true or not… just that’s what I feel about what you wrote. And don’t give up, there are probably a lot of people with whom you can be real friends :)

    I wish you good luck, strength, and lots of friends :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 5, 2011
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