I haven't posted on here in a while, partially because I thought I was doing better, but I can't ignore the fact that that isn't true anymore. I feel completely alone in this world. My family try to be there for me but they just don't understand why I just can't seem to be happy. I'm still going to therapy and trying new medication in hopes that one day I'll get my depression under control, but it all seems so useless most days. The relationship between me and my boyfriend is so hot and cold. One day I could be with him and feel like I'm deeply cared for by him. Yet there's days where I won't hear from him at all for no reason whatsoever. It makes me feel like I'm not worth a simple phone call, or at the very least a facebook message. I'm at a loss when I think about what I should do; I care about him so much but some days it feels like I'm worthless to him. Every day it's a struggle to even get out of bed, I feel like I have nothing to live for. I have no job, no skills, I don't even have the heart to reach out to someone because I don't have any real friends anymore. If I disappeared no one would notice but my family, and it hurts. No one knows what goes on in my head anymore because the only constant thought in my mind is the fact I want to die. I don't know what to do anymore. I honestly just want to waste away to nothing and disappear completely. Right now I'm having an internal battle with myself because one part of me really wants to cut to feel better, another part wants to get stoned as fuck and let what happens, happen. My voice of "reason" isn't really making an appearance tonight, I've just lost the energy to care anymore.